


Hello Again

by zipplekink



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Break Up, Happy Ending, M/M, Pining, Singer Zayn, Song Writer Liam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-05 10:04:29
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 44,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5371244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zipplekink/pseuds/zipplekink
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>“Liam,” Zayn says softly into the receiver, the tears that had fallen the moment he heard Liam’s voice, choking him. It is supposed to be a comforting sound, it always has been, but now it feels like knifes sinking into his chest. “I’ve must of called a thousand times by now, and I know you’re ignoring me but Liam, please call me back. I don’t understand why you left me.”</i>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p>[Or, the one where Zayn and Liam breakup and the world is determined to bring them back together again.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! I have been taking forever to write this fic, so I figured I would post chapters at a time since I've been getting quite a lot of asks about it. [Not that I mind, I just feel bad I can't write this thing faster. I have three chapters written, and I don't reckon there will be quite much more to write. I'm thinking 4/5 chapters.]
> 
> I originally wrote this fic based off of Half A Heart, and then when the Ziam/Hello posts again, I decided to make it an Adele based fic. So most of the songs are Adele, though in the prologue I did put a little Infinity by 1D because I love pain. In the prologue, Love Song and Hello by Adele are mentioned.
> 
> ALSO, I have it tagged that there Z & L are in a relationship with others, but I tried to keep it as light as possible because I'm not quite comfortable writing them super romantic or sexual with other characters. But if you have any questions before you read, just send me a message on tumblr!

** March **

_Liam is all he can see, though the crowd is dark and there is a hundred or so people surrounding him. There is a slight smile on his face, cheeks bunched up as he crosses his arms and tilts his head up towards the stage with something in his eyes that Zayn feels is special for him._

_“Whenever I'm with you, I feel like I am home again.”_

_Zayn tightens his grip around the microphone, still a bit nervous from the rumor of some producer being here, though Zayn is pretty sure the rumor is just about Patrick, the owner of some club in London where the producers do go to find new artists._

_It is Liam’s presence though, that mutes those nerves out, calming him in a way Zayn thought only his touch could do. The way his heart thumps in his chest as he sings is a good feeling, one he has learned comes with being with Liam - from pouring his heart into his voice so Liam can hear how he feels._

_He hasn’t always been the best with sharing his feelings, but he feels confident in the fact that he can share his love for Liam well. He is stubborn about admitting it, the way Liam makes him feel, but Liam is the same - and they make it work._

_Liam watches on with a look like maybe he feels it too, the fuzzy feeling settling around in his chest cavity. He has always loved singing for people, comfortable with the stage and the people around him. But there is nothing quite like singing to him, especially when they are tangled together in the sheets of their bed, with Liam's cheek pressed against his chest, his voice soft as it whispers out the lyrics of whatever song Liam has requested that night._

_“However far away I will always love you,” he pours out, letting his eyes fall shut as he nears his lips closer to the microphone. When he opens them again to sing more, Liam mouths the words back, I will always love you too.._

 

Zayn remembers the first time he had laid his eyes on Liam, in a shotty club outside of town when his singing career had been nothing more than karaoke with Louis after too many cranberry vodkas. Liam had been wearing a simple blue button up, his hair sticking up around his head in different directions from running his fingers through it all night - eyes intent on Zayn on the stage. Zayn only knows the date because of Liam constantly reminding him, December 12th, 2010.

He remembers the first time he had heard Liam’s voice. It was a few nights later, after he had insisted Louis and him go back to that same club. His words had been muffled and hard to hear under the music, but Zayn had been entranced by them anyway, by the way his lips looked as they formed his words. Liam’s hair had been styled differently, swept over to the side. He had approached them, the corner of his lips quirked up as he said, “I was hoping you would come here again.”

That night was the first time Zayn had ever touched Liam’s skin. He remembers it just as clearly, Liam’s fingers wrapping around his wrist, sliding up the back of his shirt as they moved together. Liam’s lips had been gentle against his throat, his teeth not as much and Zayn had never wanted someone to mark up his skin as much as he had wanted  Liam to. Despite the drunken haze of the night, he remembers the moment Liam shifted his lips to Zayn’s, and the way he tasted of something sweet and too strong.

They had parted ways with Louis tugging him out of the club, interrupting the way he had been  slipping his hands underneath Liam’s shirt and whispering about how they should go somewhere else. Zayn had wanted to kick Louis, remembers being frustrated with him clearly, but thanking him the whole way home that he had at least allowed Zayn to stay long enough to give Liam his phone number.

Zayn remembers the first time Liam had referred to him as his boyfriend, though it hadn’t been something they discussed. They had known each other for a little less than six months but somehow their lives had tangled with one another and they were inseparable practically. It had been on the front steps of his childhood home, Liam’s hand on the his lower back and a woman with the same warm eyes as him in front of them.

He remembers the first time Liam had told him he loved him, when they were wrapped around each other on Liam’s bed, slightly stinky from being too tired to shower after painting Liam’s kitchen something calmer than bright orange. It had been quiet, against the back of Zayn’s neck where Liam’s lips were pressed. Zayn had listened, watching the way Liam’s fingers skated across the back of his own, too choked up to say it back.

It was not long after that moment that Liam first spoke of their future together. When they were taking a sneaky lunch break at the burger place behind the gym Liam worked at, and a little girl walked by and Liam said how he hoped one day they could adopt a little girl, but they should consider surrogacy because he had wanted her to have Zayn’s eyes -

And when they were at Harry’s flat and Liam had said, “When Zayn and I get married,” like it was nothing. So nonchalantly that Liam hadn’t even seemed to notice that he had said it, even though shock ripped through Zayn and was probably noticeable on his face by the way Harry laughed at him. The shock easily settled into his chest as a fuzzy comfort, and he knew then it was Liam who he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, suggesting they get an apartment together the next day.

And he remembers the first time they fought, but not what it was about. Liam had shook with anger, his face reddening and fists clenching before storming out of Zayn’s flat, leaving him in a room that for the first time since they had moved in, seemed much too large. Liam had come back in less than an hour later, with an apology and tropical starbursts and Coca Cola because they were Zayn’s favorite.

But it had been nothing like this last time, with Liam nearly impossible to understand. He doesn’t get upset often, about anything really. But when he does, he is jumbled words and aggravated noises, and the bit of alcohol he had while out with Niall, hadn’t helped. It had made his accent thicker, words harder to understand over the broken sobs that passed his lips.

But Zayn couldn’t miss the feeling in his words, the ones coated in pain, anger, desperation. Zayn knows his had been too, because that is how he felt. Desperate for Liam to know, understand, that distance didn’t have to mean the end of them, angry because it seemed so easy for Liam to give up before trying, and pained because he knew he was going to leave, and Liam wasn’t going to come with him.

_Zayn slips between Liam and the wall, just a small space so he can rest his shaking fingers on Liam’s belly in hope his touch is comforting enough to soothe the way Liam’s shoulders bracket with the wrecked noises passing his lips. But Liam flinches away instead, shaking his head like Zayn is something that needs to be avoided._

_“Li, listen to me. You can’t make me choose between my future and you. It doesn’t -”_

_“You can’t choose to leave me, Zayn.”_

Zayn curls his knees to his chest, trying to forget, because the memories pressing against his skull are threatening to break through it. Everywhere aches when thinking about Liam. The pain is almost unbearable, racking through his body when he remembers Liam’s palm slamming down against the wall a few inches away from him, like he couldn’t take the pain and frustration that had been building up inside of him at the thought that Zayn could leave him.

Guilt makes him feel sick because he should have tried harder to assure Liam he wasn’t, that leaving Liam would never be an option he would choose. He knows Liam needs to be reassured, he _knows_ that being left is a fear of Liam’s _,_ but he had just stayed quiet after that, molding himself into the wall with tight lips as he watched Liam’s place a hand over his reddened face.

_“If you’ve made up your mind, then go on. Go on if it is that easy for you.”_

And that is what hurts the worst, the memory of saying those things because he shouldn’t have. But Liam wasn’t supposed to turn around and head out the front door with only a small bit of hesitation. He wasn’t supposed to leave Zayn while Zayn was so desperate for Liam to understand that he would never leave him.

He had waited for Liam to walk back through that door, with a laugh and an apology so they could talk about how stupid they are because they are _Zayn and Liam_ , they can get through anything. Zayn is sure of it, though they haven’t had any fights that would really be considered anything other than bickering but _still_.

Liam didn’t come back, and Zayn spent the night pacing around until the pinks and oranges broke across the sky and Harry was calling, telling Zayn that Liam had showed up at Niall’s doorstep an hour before talking about how they had had a fight.

 _Liam_ _didn’t come back_ , and it has been two weeks. He didn’t come back for Zayn, but he came back for his things, nearly all of them gone when Zayn had gotten home from work. His shoes, most of his clothes, his schoolwork, leaving their room practically empty. No note, no goodbye - nothing.

"Stop thinking," Harry murmurs softly, tickling his fingers under Zayn's chin to pull him away from his thoughts. He flinches, still holding onto how rough Liam’s voice had been when he asked Zayn not to leave him, so unlike the normal tenderness Liam has for him. “C’mon babe, pull away from them.”

He sits in the smoke filled room, beside Harry who had been going on about something regarding work before he became lost in his thoughts. He can’t seem to focus on the words coming out of his best mate’s mouth and he does try, really. Zayn’s bones feel heavy, sinking him into the couch that still smells like Liam despite the heavy amount of Febreze he had sprayed on earlier that day. And every day for the past two weeks.

“You’re alright, mate,” Harry says, a lot closer to Zayn’s face than he had been a moment ago. He presses the end of the joint to Zayn’s lip and Zayn takes it between his fingers, letting the smoke burn his tongue. There is a slight frown on his face and worry in his eyes. “Do you want me to stay the night?”

Zayn shakes his head. It is better having Harry at his home than being alone, but having him here is just a reminder that Liam isn’t. That he is being pampered by his best friend because of the broken way his heart feels, and that when Harry leaves he will curl up with cold sheets and the faded smell of Liam.

“Don’t want Niall getting jealous on me,” Zayn jokes weakly, hoping his voice sounds as carefree as he needs it to sound.

“We will both be over here the instant you need us, yeah?”

Zayn doubts that, though he knows despite Niall’s loyalty to Liam, that Niall does care for him as a friend too. But he knows that Harry had dragged him over to the flat when he had gotten here, and that Niall had to leave because Zayn had been a mess, begging Niall to explain to him why Liam came home and took everything. To know why Liam was having such an easy time with all this.

“Okay, thanks Haz.”

Zayn curls up on the couch after he leaves, putting the joint out and curling around the ugly brown pillow that his mother had bought for him, shoving it into his chest like it will fill the hole that resides there. They had been fighting for weeks, Liam and him. And it all started after that night at the Funky Buddah, when Zayn poured out his feelings into the microphone and was offered a job deal in London, performing at some high end club where artists have been known to get signed.

And then a few days later, when the call from Los Angeles came, some guy who owned a studio and trying to make a name for himself asking if he could fly Zayn down there so they could work together after seeing his videos online. The videos Liam had posted one night with a giggling Zayn beside him, whispering to Zayn about how the whole world is going to fall in love with him but none of them will ever love him as much as Liam does.

His fingers shake as he presses in the number he has memorized into his keypad, no hope for anyone to answer, just hope that Liam’s inbox isn’t full and he can hear his voicemail again, the slow drawl of his voice when he says _Liam here, go ahead_.

“Liam,” Zayn says softly into the receiver, the tears that had fallen the moment he heard Liam’s voice, choking him. It is supposed to be a comforting sound, it always has been, but now it feels like knifes sinking into his chest. “I’ve must of called a thousand times by now, and I know you’re ignoring me but Liam, please call me back. I don’t understand why you left me.”

+*

Liam shifts underneath the shower, head bent in hopes that the warmth and pressure of the water will ease out the tension in his muscles. He feels sick, displaced, like his sternum is trying to fold in on itself. Angry, worse of all, because Zayn wasn’t supposed to tell him to leave. He wasn’t supposed to be able to choose between being with him and not being with him so easily.

It is hard not to answer his calls, but he knows it won’t change anything. And if Liam goes back, he will have to watch Zayn pack away for London or Los Angeles or wherever the fuck else he is planning on going without him. Liam had stopped keeping track of the job offers after Los Angeles, because that was too _far_ for his brain to comprehend and Zayn’s face had been lit up like a Christmas tree when he had told him about it.

“Y’alright in there, mate?”

Liam bends his head back, letting the water wash away the tears slipping past his cheeks as he clears his throat. “Yeah, m’okay.”

It goes quiet for a moment, but he knows Niall is still outside of the bathroom door. It is like he knows this time is worse, worse than the other times Liam has been left by someone, even though Niall and him haven’t talked about this time yet. He doesn’t want to, or he will have to confront the ache in his chest and the fact that Zayn is no longer there to wrap around him from behind.

He wishes he could have kissed Zayn one last time as his eyes close again, and he sees Zayn’s face waiting for him on the back of his eyelids. The ghost of his lips is on Liam’s now, the soft way they had slotted with his the morning before, before Zayn had talked on the phone with his mum about London, hidden in the bathroom like the walls weren’t thin enough for Liam to hear.

_“I can’t ask him to go with me, Mummy. He has a year left of school, just got the promotion he wanted -”_

“Well um,” Niall goes on, interrupting his thoughts. “I’m headed off to Harry’s, ring if you need me.”

Liam gives him a bit longer, to make sure Niall is gone before he steps out of the shower. His bones ache from his workout early, an attempt to distract himself but it had done little to soothe him. It had taken him forever to get his things out of the apartment this morning with the way pain crippled at him. The house had been a wreck, dishes piled up in the sink and the coffee pot still on though Zayn is usually good about making sure it is turned off before he leaves. The bed was still made the way Liam makes it, like Zayn hadn’t slept in it since the morning before their fight.

He hates Niall’s apartment, though he is thankful that Niall let him stay here on such short notice. It just - it isn’t home. It won’t ever feel like that without the scent of musky cologne and cigarettes filling the air, of the mess of artwork spread out on every surface and Zayn’s soft voice floating through the house. It won’t feel like home without the ink covered arms sliding around him from behind and that thick accent and adorable little giggle in his ear.

_“I like it,” Zayn says, squeezing Liam’s fingers where they are intertwined with his between them. There is a soft expression on his face as he looks around the master bedroom, just an empty room with tan carpeting and black, off-white colored walls but Zayn looks like he is looking at something amazing._

_“It’s ours,” Liam mutters, unable to take his eyes away from his boyfriend because he is something amazing to look at. “Well, we are renting but same thing.”_

_Zayn’s nose wrinkles as he knocks closer to Liam and pushes up on his tip toes. He curls a hand around the back of Liam’s head, dragging their lips together. “It’s home, babe.”_

Their home, the one Zayn was so willing to leave for some shot in the dark chance at getting signed.

Liam slumps down on the bed in Niall’s guest bedroom, tucking his face into his elbow and not bothering to change into anything. That is unfair, he knows. Zayn is wicked talented, Liam has always been amazed by the way goosebumps cover his skin whenever he listens to Zayn sing, or the way he can captivate an audience no matter who is in it. Liam had been so proud when his youtube blew up, the number of hits and thumbs up making Zayn’s face glow with a happiness that Liam felt too.

And he had been proud when that guy from London came up Zayn after his performance, a look of amazement on his face. He wants Zayn to be happy and follow his dreams but he can’t get rid of the ache in his chest because of it. That feeling of excitement for him died out quickly, a familiar fear taking over when Zayn talked about how great it would be to live in London, so easily forgetting Liam in his dreams of being there.

Liam’s phone ringing drags him away from his thoughts of Zayn decorating an apartment by himself and he pushes up for only a moment before he catches a glimpse of his contact photo, one of the both of them that Liam had taken at a picnic last year, with Zayn’s cheeks a bright shade of red from the sun and his hair loose and hanging in front of his forehead.

Liam buries his face into his elbow, hoping that the sobs in his chest will become less as the days pass.

** April **

“No, Saf. You can only have the two candies.”

Safaa looks up at him, clutching four candies in her fists, her eyes big and wide like she is five instead of twelve. “But I can’t choose.”

Zayn sighs, lips quirking up as he sees that bottom lip start to tremble. It is an act, he knows. One she doesn’t even have to go through because he knew when he said she could come with him that he was going to end up buying her whatever she wanted.

“Fine,” Zayn says, sliding an arm around her and tugging her away from the candy aisle before he ends up buying everything in it. “But you better not tell Mum.”

Safaa grins brightly, plopping the candy into the shopping cart. He is glad to have them around, his family who came to visit for the day. His mum is at his flat, cooking up a storm and Zayn swears it was Harry who had called them, because his mother hasn't stopped fretting about his well being since they arrived. Surprising him, and he hadn't had time to clean up his disaster of an apartment, though she hadn't nit-picked at him like she normally does, only patted his cheek and helped him tidy up.

He knows they know, since they hadn't asked where Liam was when they had arrived, and they had stopped asking about him a few weeks ago. Zayn knows he should have told them, but his throat tightens whenever he starts to.

“Thank you,” Safaa sings, leaning into his side as they push the shopping cart. “I will share them with you.”

Zayn wrinkles his nose around a laugh as they turn into the canned food aisle. He glances at the crumpled list in his hand, searching for some of the items his mother had scribbled down.

“Liam!” Safaa cries joyfully, ripping Zayn’s attention away from the canned food. It feels like his heart comes to a dead stop, smacking against his sternum as the name bangs against his ear drums.

Safaa takes off without hesitation, bounding through the aisle and Zayn doesn’t want to look but he can’t help it. His eyes find him immediately at the end, a small basket in his hand filled with tropical starbursts and Coca Cola.

“Liam,” Safaa says again, holding her arms out. He looks a bit hesitant, not looking in Zayn’s direction before he takes her into his arms, teeth moving rapidly against his bottom lip. Zayn pulls back some, considering going into the next aisle because Liam and Safaa have always been close, and he doesn’t know whether or not Safaa knows they have split but he can’t talk to Liam, and he doesn’t want to have to make Safaa avoid him too.

“I missed you too,” Zayn hears distinctly, the sound of Liam’s voice stabbing through his chest. Zayn had stopped calling once his voicemail had filled up, no longer being able to hear Liam’s voice but the recorded voicemail lady.

“Come ‘round for dinner. Reckon Mummy is making enough to feed you too.”

It is worse when he hears the sound of Liam’s laugh, though he has tugged himself to hide behind the shelves between the two aisles, only letting the end of the cart be seen enough so Safaa doesn’t think he has left her.

“I’m sorry love, but I can’t. Give your Mum a hug for me though, okay?”

Zayn can hear the sadness coating his words and he wants to go to Liam and tug him into his arms, but it is his fault the pain is there anyway and he has already tried to fix it. He isn’t going to beg for Liam to come back to him anymore.

“Alright,” Safaa goes on. It goes quiet for a moment and Zayn considers looking back down the aisle again when he hears his name mentioned.

“And how’s Zayn, yeah? Alright?”

Zayn huffs out an irritated sigh before he pushes the cart forward, only glancing at them a moment as he calls Safaa’s name. “C’mon babe. Gotta get going.”

He hears Safaa’s feet on the tile of the floor, but he avoids watching her so he doesn’t have to look at Liam again. He avoids looking at her as they go on, because he can feel her big eyes staring back at him and he doesn’t want to talk about it.

+*

“You’re okay.”

Liam huffs out an overwhelmed sound as the pain in his chest forms into something else, like panic the way it feels as if nails are gripping at his chest cavity. Niall clutches onto his cheeks, brows furrowed as he says it over and over again.

Liam sits on the bathroom floor, the cold tub digging into his back and he can’t catch his breath. His face feels swollen from crying and his throat tight and he doesn’t know when Niall got home, but he thought he could have a quick cry but now it is this huge ordeal, and it is only making him cry more.

“C’mon lad, you’re alright yeah?”

“I saw,” Liam huffs out, feeling his face contort. “I saw him and Saf today, man.”

Niall sighs softly, tilting Liam’s head up. There isn't a judgmental look on his face, but his brows furrow and he nibbles at his bottom lip like he isn't sure what to say.

“Come on. In the bed with ya, I'll get some tea, yeah?”

Liam feels like an overgrown toddler with the way Niall grips under his armpits to help him up, practically dragging him across the hall. “He didn't want to talk to me. And he stopped calling, Nialler -”

Niall sits him on the bed, an anxious look crossing his face. “You left him, mate. Can't expect him to beg you to come back for forever if you won't even listen to him do it.”

Liam only sighs before slumping down onto the bed and folding in on himself, grabbing for his comforter to tuck it up into his chest.

 

The next day, Liam wakes to the sound of his mother humming as she walks around his room, quietly picking up his things. She gives him a soft smile before padding over, sitting beside him as she warms a palm over his forehead.

“Sweetheart,” she murmurs, a concerned look in her eyes mixing with the normal warmth they hold. “Feeling okay?”

Liam nods, the tears making him feel like he is choking as he tugs the blanket up to his neck. “Did Niall call you?”

She nods, petting his hair gently. He has talked to her of course, but he hasn't been able to tell her about Zayn. She loves him to pieces, and Liam can't find it in him to admit he broke his heart.

“And Tricia,” Karen says quietly. She presses her palm to his cheek when his eyes clench closed, and Liam is thankful she doesn't ask why he hasn't told her.

“I messed up, Mummy.”

Karen just hums again before she presses a kiss to his forehead. “Sleep, right now. And then fix it, love.”

** May **

Zayn fidgets with his button up, watching the crowd around him. He hates this place, it is bigger and more crowded than the Funky Buddah. And more _expensive_. But Harry likes it, and he has been non stop nagging Zayn about going out again, getting Liam out of his system, because according to him it has been long enough since they broke up for him to start looking again.

Two months seem like nothing compared to four years and a half years, but Harry hushes him every time he tries to tell him that.

“Loosen up,” Harry says with a grin, elbowing him gently in the side. “Your writing can take a break this one night.”

He only sips at his drink instead of responding. He has filled notebooks with song lyrics, but he feels blocked even though he has a chest of emotions that he needs to spill out, unable to write more than a few lines at a time. It just feels weird, writing without Liam, who used to wrap himself around Zayn as he wrote, whispering ideas into his ear.

He blames Patrick, who has been constantly contacting him trying to persuade him to take the job in London. And Zayn wants to, but he feels attached to Wolver-Hampton, unable to make the choice of leaving.

“Come on,” Harry says, gentler this time. He cups Zayn’s elbow, nudging his head towards the group of bodies molded together on the dance floor. “Let's find someone to dance with.”

Zayn quirks up a brow. “What about Nialler?”

Harry shrugs, pulling him some more. “Just a dance, mate. He is probably dancing with someone too, I trust him. It is you who should be getting up to something naughty.”

Zayn shuffles behind him reluctantly. Harry is on a mission, and Zayn likes dancing, but the pit that has been in his gut for two months now grows at the idea of it.

It has been worse lately, that pit in his gut, as Liam has been trying to call him. He knows he should answer, he craves too but he can't. He is angry, spiteful, not wanting to hear what Liam has to say because he has just been able to get Liam out of his head for a little bit at a time, though it only makes him feel worse when he does think about him.

_I'm sorry for everything that I've done -_

He chugs some of his drink as everything around him gets darker, only a flash of speckled lights across the faces around him. Maybe he should find someone to distract him, to get rid of that chill that comes with sleeping in his bed alone every night.

The rest of Liam’s things have been boxed away and given to Harry, though he has made Harry promise not to give them back. Not yet.

Zayn does find someone, a hard body with lingering hands and a scruffy beard that scratches at his skin when he tilts his head to the side. He was given a name but it slips out of his mind easily, given the way his head spins and the music seems deafening in his ears. His heart thumps heavily in his chest when their hips press together, when the man’s teeth scrape against his skin.

He is seconds away from suggesting they leave when he has Harry’s voice in his ear, urgent as he tells them they need to go.

“Why?” Zayn mumbles, sliding his fingers under the man’s chin. There is a hesitancy in the man’s eyes as he glances from Zayn to Harry.

“Boyfriend?” The man asks, loosening the grip he has on Zayn's waist.

Zayn shakes his head as Harry yells, “no worse” over the music, finally able to tug him away from the man,

Zayn furrows his brows as he clings onto Harry, stumbling a bit from the quick way Harry tugs them towards the entrance, ignoring Zayn’s attempts at getting him to explain.

Harry's face is a bright red as they break outside, the cool air slapping against their skin. “Harry you said - hook up, hook up with someone and I’m _trying_.”

“No listen,” Harry huffs out, trying to tug Zayn forward again but Zayn stays rooted in the spot, a glare on his face as he stares at his best mate for an explanation. “You and Liam have been miserable as shit, so Niall and I decided to take you both out tonight. But apparently, Niall thought I said take Liam to this club here and -”

The words are jumbled and Zayn can't focus properly on anything other than Liam’s name, and miserable. “Liam's miserable?”

He laughs harshly as he repeats the words, wanting to roll his eyes but he feels as if he might be sick if he does. Harry grabs for him again, making a frustrated noise.

“Yeah, dude. Not the point, we just have to -”

“He isn't allowed to be miserable.”

Harry's face falls as he stops trying to tug Zayn forward, his head shaking quickly as he sees the fact that Zayn's eyes are starting to tear up. He blames the alcohol for the broken feeling quickly swallowing him up, and the fact that the whole time he was pressed against the other man, all he could think about was how he hadn't smelt like Liam.

“He isn't allowed,” Zayn repeats, fists clenching by his sides. He hadn't drank much, but the mix of emotion that surges through him makes him feel drunker. “He left me, ignored me. And if he regrets it well, it is too damn late. I get - he doesn't, I got it -”

He doesn't make sense because the words throbbing through his brain hurt. Liam left him so easily, showing how little he cares and it _hurts_. But attempt at words jumble past his lips anyway, not quieting when Harry pulls him to his chest and drags fingers through his hair.

“Go away.”

Zayn frowns at Harry’s words, but pushes closer to his best mate, wrapping his arms around him more as he muffles out a sob. Harry can’t push him away too -

“Zayn.”

Zayn flinches, tucking his face into Harry’s neck as the familiar voice hits his ears. He can't even stomach it and it makes him sick, how badly he has missed hearing his voice.

“We are leaving,” Harry says, voice stern and protective as he holds onto Zayn tighter.

“Come on, Li -”

“No, Niall, I want to say I'm sorry. Zayn -”

Zayn tugs from Harry’s grip, whipping around. He is so mad at Liam, and he feels cold all over when he takes him in, face contorted in pain and hands reaching out to him. He is skinnier than normal, cheeks hollowed and a shirt that normally clings to him hangs off of his shoulders. His hair is shaved almost completely, just a thin dusting of hair against his scalp like it had been a few years ago.

“No,” Zayn blurts, his mind racing with the million things he wants to say. The things he gave up trying to get Liam to listen to. “You're not allowed to be miserable.”

Liam’s brows furrow as his hands drop. Zayn is barely aware of Harry’s hands on his back, or the way Niall nibbles nervously at his bottom lip, standing close to Liam, or the people that filter out of the club, glancing at them with little interest before taking off down the street.

“You left _me_ , Liam,” Zayn goes on frantically, inching closer to Liam. He flinches at the sour way Zayn spits his name, and the sob gets stuck in Zayn’s throat because he fucking hates this. “And I would never leave you.”

“Come on,” Harry whispers in his ear softly, smoothing a palm down his spine like that would do anything to ease away the tension he feels. Liam just stares at him, lips parted like he wants to speak but Zayn doesn't want to hear it.

“Let's go, mate,” Niall says, squeezing himself between Zayn and Liam, and Zayn doesn't know how or when he had gotten so close to him. His whole body hurts from the way his chest is cracking and he feels a bit frantic, torn between wanting to bury his face into Liam’s chest for comfort and shoving him away.

“Zayn,” Liam begs desperately, reaching out before anyone can stop him to slide his palm against Zayn’s cheek. Like a fool, he leans into it, eyes clenching closed around his tears before Harry pushes Liam’s hand away. “Let me explain -”

“Stop calling me,” Zayn mutters before he sinks into Harry’s chest and turns away with him.

+*

Liam writes.

He writes until his hand aches and he has notebooks filled with scratchy handwriting from the way his fingers shaking around the pen. He feels achey, filled with regret because of Zayn’s words, the way pain had filled his face. Liam deserves it, but he can't rid the feeling in his chest because Zayn was going to leave him, he _knows_.

Zayn can deny it all he wants, but he still was going to leave.

But Liam realizes staying with him until he leaves would hurt less because now he has guilt mixed in with it, because he has never wanted to cause someone the pain he has felt after someone has left him. It is awful, gut wrenching and he did that to Zayn.

Smoke lingers in the air, from the cigarette burning out in the ashtray. He hadn’t smoked it, just needed the familiar smell of Zayn. And the pina colada starburst in his mouth, reminding him of their first real kiss, without anything in their systems to mute the way Zayn’s lips felt against his own.

They used to write together, and it is somewhat comforting to pour his pain out onto the paper, just not enough. The notebook is filled with songs they have written together, ones with happier feelings about love and being head over heels, dirtier lyrics that had been written before the notebook was discarded to the side of the bed. None of those like the ones he writes now, about missing someone and feeling broken inside.

_How many nights have you wished someone would stay? Lie awake only hoping they're okay_

Liam eyes the words written before reaching for his phone. He has tried to stop calling Zayn like he had asked, but he messes up sometimes, craving the sound of Zayn’s voice though his voicemail is his uncomfortable voice. He just needs to know Zayn is okay, even if that means getting over him or whatever he wants to do.

It doesn't ring, and Liam's stomach drops when he hears the recording.

“ _The number you have dialed has been disconnected or is no longer in service. Please check the number and dial again.”_

** June **

Zayn settles onto the worn out carpet, crossing his legs together as he stares around the empty room, taking in the blank walls and how quiet it seems.

The movers just left with all of his things and Zayn took it as his chance for alone time, to take in everything and say goodbye to his house, to say goodbye to all of the memories that still linger against the walls. He clutches onto a letter he had gotten in the post, unable to open it so far because of the scratchy handwriting on the envelope.

Zayn sighs, staring down at the crumpled envelope. His house isn't the only thing he has to say goodbye to, but he doesn't think he can. It has been three months and he hasn't managed to let go, but he hopes the move helps. A change of scenery, the right amount of stress to keep his mind busy and away from the thoughts that serve no purpose other than to cause him pain.

Zayn opens up the letter carefully, taking his time because his hands shake like mad and he doesn’t want to tear anything inside. There is no return address though he knows it would be Niall’s, and he recognizes the pieces of paper from the many notebooks him and Liam had torn through while writing.

He gulps as he unfolds, not feeling a pain in his chest. No, it just feels hollow, numb. An empty cavity settled between his armpits.

There are a few songs, scribbled titles at the top. Some of them are just a few paragraphs, the words somewhat hard to read like Liam’s hands have been shaking. He takes in the _times supposed to heal ya_ on the first page, and the _since you went away there's nothing left in mine_ on the second. The pain comes back with each word and he crumples the paper, shoving it into his pocket as he gets up and leaves his old house.

+*

Liam doesn't think anything of it, a blocked number calling him. He ignores it as he runs on the treadmill, clicking the round red button to end the call without a second thought.

It isn't until the voicemail comes through that he slows, brows furrowing as he listens. He stops as the familiar voice sounds through his headphones, and the message is barely over before Liam is taking off, forgetting to sign out like he is supposed to because there is no time.

_I'm sorry for calling, I just - I'm leaving and like, I don't know. It felt proper to say goodbye after I got your letter. I'm sorry we um, I'm sorry we couldn't work this out. Like you have no idea um - just, please know I miss you. I love you, Liam._

Liam runs, his legs aching but he ignores it. Rain pellets make it hard to see but he could find the way home with his eyes closed. Panic rushes adrenaline through him as he runs through the streets. He knew it was coming, when Zayn would leave this town behind and pursue his dreams, but no amount of time could ever prepare Liam for it.

Zayn can't leave - _he can't leave_. He admitted to missing him, they can work this out, they just need to stop being stubborn assholes and talk about it -

“Zayn,” Liam yells, fist coming in contact with the front door. He pounds on it a few times, leaning his ear against it to hear inside but the rain around him is too loud for him to hear anything. “Zayn, please -”

Liam knocks his forehead against the door, huffing out breathlessly as he eyes the stone of the steps. The steps that used to have a welcome mat where his feet are now standing on a pale outline.

He bangs his fist again, much weaker this time. He thought he had been number to it all, them being over. But the pain pours through him like an avalanche, worse than ever. “Zayn, please open up.”

It is useless and he knows that. Zayn is gone, he can tell by the blinds that are up enough for him to see the dark, empty living room.

 

"What happened to you?" Niall asks, brows furrowed but he grins as Liam shucks off his soaked boots, drops of water slipping off of him and pitter pattering on the ground. "Forget your truck?"

“He is gone.”

Niall's grin slips off of his face as he frowns for only a moment before realization crosses his face and he pushes up from the couch, looking just as panicky as Liam feels.

“He - he called me,” Liam chokes out. “To say goodbye but he already left.”

Niall jogs over to him, arms snaking around his broad shoulders before the sob breaks past his lips. He shakes with it, feeling frantic and needing Niall off of him so he can find out where Zayn is.

“Can you,” Liam starts, not pushing Niall away like he wants to. “Call Harry or summat -”

“I can't,” Niall mutters regretfully, pulling him closer. “You know I can't mate.”

Liam tucks his face into the curve of Niall’s neck, muffling the sobs that still sound deafening around him.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Adele - Don't You Remember, I Miss You, When We Were Young

**18 Months Later**

_"You know babe, I have always wanted to own a pub. Like my own pub, with a homey like feel, you know? Niall could bartend or summat. He’d be good at it."_

_Zayn glances up at Liam as he speaks, smiling softly as he drags his fingers against the scruff at his chin. His hair has fallen in front of his forehead, making him look soft with the sleepy look in his eyes. He is warm, always so warm that Zayn feels cold when he isn't pressed against him._

_"Yeah? That would be ace, babe."_

_Liam wrinkles his nose as he smiles, wrapping his arms tighter around Zayn as he scooches down the pillows. "Yeah, but I reckon I'm going to need a big venue or summat. Since you're going to be wicked famous - we'll need something to fill all of your fans, 'cause you're the only one I want to hire for entertainment."_

_Zayn chuckles softly, hand sliding up his cheek, his heart thumping with a feeling he still isn't used to, even after all of this time with Liam. It consumes him, floods his veins and aches in a way that feels good. "Oh, I'm in this future plan of yours?"_

_"Yeah," Liam answers immediately like it should be obvious. He rests his head back on the pillow as Zayn snuggles his against his chest. "Right next to me, always baby. Unless you collab with like, Justin Timberlake or summat and dump me after you hook up in the studio."_

_Zayn snorts, rubbing his palm over Liam's heart. "Nah babe. I'll ask you to join. Since you'll be there with me, writing my songs.”_

_“Hit songs,” Liam corrects, dragging his fingers through Zayn’s hair. “The world is going to fall in love with you, babe.”_

 

"To Payno!"

"To Payno!"

Liam flushes, raising his glass with the rest of them. They are a large crowd or at least, that is the way it seems, with their party taking up half of the room, which is quite small compared to the other bars around town. Niall had found this one a few weeks after Liam had moved to London and Liam fell in love with it, the dim lighting, the soft play of music - the homey way it feels with the cabin look, decorations similar to the ones his mother has decorated his family home with. The way the staff made sure to get to know everyone’s names and bits and pieces of their life.

They are huddled around a few small round tables, Niall and Harry sat at his, his boss Paddy and a few of his coworkers around them. His mother had come too, Geoff by her side and his sisters sat across from them. He had only gotten the news about his promotion yesterday, and he isn’t sure how they were able to afford the train here, but he practically cried when they showed up on his doorstep. The feeling had been in his chest, but he kept the tears back because he couldn’t have handled his mother crying in response.

“Congrats Li,” Sophia whispers in his ear, planting a kiss to his cheek. He smiles at her, curling an arm around her neck before raising his glass again. He embraces the noise and the craziness, because it helps him fight off the nagging part of his brain that reminds him that there is something missing around him. Like always, something feels off -

“Liam, c’mere,” Nialler laughs, curling an arm around Liam’s shoulders and tugging him away from Sophia without grace. “Now that you _own_ the place -”

“I don’t,” Liam corrects while rolling his eyes. They have been over this like, ten times. “Only Paddy’s assistant, dude.”

“Whatever.” Niall waves him off, grinning brightly just like he always does when they talk about this. “You’re still going to meet famous people, right? And if you -”

“Meet Selena, get her number for you,” Liam says before he can. “Got it, but I’m not doing it. I am barely off of Harry’s bad side, I’m not making it worse.”

Niall frowns at him, letting go of his shoulders before he crosses his arms over his chest and pretends to be put off. “Shit friend you are, mate.”

Liam snorts, tickling under Niall's chin. “You love me.”

“Yeah,” Niall huffs out. He nudges his head towards Harry, whose leaned back in his chair to chat with Geoff, eyes bright like he is intrigued by whatever Liam’s father is saying. “So does he, you know.”

Liam shrugs some. It isn't the same with Harry, or at least, it is still not as good as it had once been. It had been awkward for months, with Liam nagging about where Zayn went to, if Harry could be a middleman between them. It was unfair of him, he knows but -

Harry still sends him things from Zayn, he knows it is him. And he always gives Liam these soft looks like he understand why he needs Zayn to so desperately read the lyrics he has scribbled down some random night, late - always late, with nothing in his mind except how much he misses Zayn. It keeps him from sleeping, the way guilt and regret mix together and nag at his brain, telling him over and over again how this is _his_ dumb fault -

“David probably knows a few famous people,” Sophia pipes in, allowing Liam not to respond to Niall and to pull away from his thoughts. He falls into them so easily sometimes, it is more than annoying. “Since he has been in the industry for some time.”

Liam doesn't comment to that either. He doesn't know the lad, but since he is the one that got Paddy to hire him for their music night, as a favor for Sophia, he doesn't reckon the dude is as _in_ the industry as Sophia claims him to be. The only people in the industry that come to their venue are people using the place for events or to find a new artist, not usually for a job unless they _need_ a way into the industry.

Sophia squeezes his thigh under the table, rolling her eyes at him and he only grins lazily in response. “You just don't like him because his music is too fun for you.”

She leans on the table some towards Niall, jostling a few of the dishes in front of her and nudging her head in Liam’s direction. “Not the sap, this one. But you would be surprised by the music he listens to.”

Niall’s brows push together as he looks at Liam and Liam looks away, feeling his face burn in embarrassment.

“Mhm,” Sophia hums in amusement, turning back to him. “What is that one album you have like three of? ‘Cause you listen to it so much?”

Liam flushes even more, shrugging some though he knows exactly which album she is talking about. Well, it is an _EP_. One he had bought online, and he actually has ten copies. Just to support the artist, not because he listens to it _that_ much. He has put the songs on his iPod and the rest of the unopened copies sit in a box in his closet.

“Oh you know,” Sophia goes on, laughing at him some. It isn’t unkind, she doesn’t know that she shouldn’t be talking about it in front of Niall, or that Liam is embarrassed even though he shouldn’t be. “The one that sings the one like - _when will I see you again? You left with no goodbye?_ ”

“Oh I know that one,” Niall interrupts. His expression isn’t judgmental but knowing and he raises his brows at Liam. “Our Story or summat, yeah, Liam? Think Harry has a copy. Real sad stuff, mate.”

“That’s it,” Sophia giggles excitedly, leaning into Liam’s space and rubbing at his thigh. She presses her laugh to his cheek. “M’just messing with you, babe.”

Liam curls an arm around her shoulders, tugging her into his space and wishing she could fill that feeling of something missing around him. He decides to change the subject, because he feels like Niall’s eyes are burning a hole into the side of his face. “I don’t dislike David. I just don’t know him, Soph.”

“Tomorrow, love. We are going to lunch with him.”

Liam stills, frowning down at her. “I made plans with Niall remember? Home decorating. I can just meet him at the Wolf Den’s banquet the day after?”

Niall wrinkles his nose, snickering at him. Him and Harry had just bought a house about twenty minutes out of the city and it is exciting, and Liam has promised to help him shop for it, even though he has no clue where to start.

And he is excited too, to have Nialler closer to him. Because as much as he loves London more than he thought he would, he feels alone in the too big city. He had just needed to get out of Wolver-Hampton, get a change of scenery in hope to clear his mind but he is still waiting on that.

“Harry’s got summat to do tomorrow in the city, forget to tell ya. So no worries mate.” Niall gives him a mischievous grin, tapping his foot against his shin underneath the table because he knows Liam made plans with him just to get out of hanging out with Sophia and David.

Liam grabs Niall’s mug, narrowing his eyes at him as he swallows down the rest of the contents and kicking Niall back, making sure his foot is a little harder when it collides with Niall’s.

_+*_

_“This place sucks.”_

_Zayn bites around his grin, eyes glowing bright as he squeezes Liam’s fingers. He looks soft, his blond streaked hair fanning out across his forehead, cheeks tinged pink and lips swollen from this morning. “Yeah, it does a bit.”_

_Liam sighs, looking around the posh place. He had just wanted to take Zayn somewhere nice, spoil him a bit with the bonus he had gotten at Funky Buddah, but he hates this stuffy place and he has noticed Zayn wrinkling his nose at the menu, though he knows Zayn had been trying to be discreet in his distaste so Liam wouldn’t notice._

_“Just wanted to treat you nice, I reckon.”_

_Zayn’s expression warms as he scooches his chair closer to him, even though they are supposed to be sat across from each other like everyone else around them. It just isn’t their kind of place - their dates usually consist of empty take out cartons covering the table in Zayn’s living room, or fast food wrappers littering the floor in front of the passenger seat of Liam’s car because Zayn never gets only one sandwich._

_“You always treat me nice.”_

_“But I mean,” Liam sighs, shrugging some. He is awful with words, and it can be frustrating, the inability to properly explain himself. “Like, a proper date. Treat you -”_

_Zayn rolls his eyes though not unkindly, his palm coming to lay flat on Liam’s cheek. He smoothes his thumb against his skin before kissing him gently, just a quick brush of the lips. “I don’t care about that babe. You can treat me to McDonalds, and as long as you are there, it is automatically the best date ever.”_

_Liam pouts his lips, knowing Zayn means it. He hopes he does, he just wishes he could provide more things for him. Zayn always spoils him, having been a smarter man than him and knowing how to actually save money so he can do so._

_“Come on,” Zayn says softly, lips tugging up some. “Let’s go somewhere with a drive thru and then take me to the park so we can mess around like we are young -”_

_Liam huffs out a laugh, knocking his forehead against Zayn’s. It is amazing to him, how easily the other man can make him feel better. “We are young, babe. But deal, let’s get out of here.”_

 

“Don't look so grumpy,” Sophia says, her voice not unkind but a bit worried as she tickles her fingers underneath his chin. “Sleep last night?”

Liam shakes his head distractedly, rubbing his palms across his thighs. He is uncomfortable in the suit he is wearing, which is fancy and expensive and fitting for the restaurant they are in but he hates how stuffy it makes him feel, because he is uncomfortable in general already. There are chandeliers above them and old people with posh faces, silk looking table cloths and an orchestra playing in the background, so slowly and softly that he could fall asleep. He hates it here.

He hadn't slept well the night before, because after they had left the bar, Harry had passed on a package for him. A gift, for his promotion and it isn't the first time Zayn has reached out to him in the last year and a half, but it still makes his chest heavy with hope even though the other times never resulted in them talking again.

He glances at it on his wrist. It is all matte black, just like Liam had told him about always wanting, and expensive looking. Well, he knows it is expensive by the _Hublot_ printed above the hands. Normally he just gets a card, for his birthday or their anniversary, with a hand drawn cover and a quick scribbled ‘ _thinkin’ of you - Z_ ’ on the inside. They are all tucked in the box with his CDs and with the notebooks he writes his lyrics into before ripping them out and giving them Harry to send to Zayn.

“M’alright though,” Liam assures her, sliding his fingers over the watch as he rests his hands in his lap. He knows she won't press for details, because it is a part of this non relationship they have.

Which is why he likes it. It is easy with her, to not have to talk about it - think about it. Neither one of them are looking for anything more than just someone to take away the emptiness of their bed every now and then, to go on dates sometimes just to feel less lonely and he likes that. Likes her  - though he knows it won’t ever be anything other than platonic, the way he feels.

“Okay good, there he is.”

She stands before Liam can look up and search for the lad, but there is only one man other than the waiters walking through the tables. He wears a similar suit, though his isn't quite as old looking as Liam’s. And he is attractive, with his strong jaw covered in a coarse black beard, smooth dark skin and his eyes that are darker, but shine bright as they cross over Sophia.

He knows the look, the feeling behind it - the feeling him and Sophia try to forget about their hope of having again when they are with each other.

“Soph, it is so good to see you,” David greets, pulling Sophia into a hug. There is a flush high on her cheeks and Liam stands beside her, fidgeting a bit because he feels awkward and intrusive watching the way his dark brown eyes warm and soften when on her.

“You too,” Sophia murmurs, patting his cheek before she pulls away and curls an arm around Liam’s back. “David, this is my boyfriend, Liam.”

Liam hopes it isn't obvious, the confusion that takes over him as he glances at her before offering David his hand. That is a term she has rarely uses towards him because he is _not_ , though he plays the role sometimes when her family comes around for a visit. They are like his family, fretting constantly over them like they could shatter that easily if the wrong words are spoken.

“Oh yeah, Liam,” David greets, shaking his hand, giving him a toothy smile. “Soph talks about you all of the time. Thank you so much for talking to your boss for me.”

“It is no problem,” Liam promises, kindly. He shakes the man’s hand before taking his seat beside Sophia. It doesn’t get less awkward as he listens to them talking, nodding along every now and then because both of them keep glancing at him like they are expecting him to respond when they remember he is here, which isn’t often.

It is nice though, seeing the look that takes over Sophia’s expression as she catches up with David. Warm, with a light in her eyes Liam doesn’t think he has ever seen.

He is thankful when the waiter comes, though he cringes as he buys the cheapest meal - that still is a hefty price. His promotion to Paddy’s assistant included a huge pay raise, but Liam doesn’t think he will ever rid his frugal ways.

Liam runs his fingers over the watch again, remembering how Zayn used to always tease him about how large his savings were, yet he was always afraid to buy anything. And how he used to spoil him with gifts, or even necessities that Liam didn’t think were on the top of the list of necessary items to have. How they used to bicker over what they should buy for the house, even though Zayn comes from money and Liam had always had enough to spend on extra things here and there.

_“So you don’t think it is necessary for me to have a waffle maker, but you can have a razor?”_

_Liam stares at Zayn’s serious expression, brows furrowed and lips pouted. It only worsens when Liam laughs at him, but he can’t help it, cupping onto his belly with the force of his laughter._

_“It’s not funny,” Zayn murmurs, lips quirking up some as he grabs for the brim of Liam’s shirt, dragging him closer until Zayn’s back knocks against the shelf of waffle makers. His eyes are bright, playful, and it is hard for Liam not to press their lips together. “I can’t have a waffle maker, but I have to deal with you shaving your beard.”_

_Liam wrinkles his nose,tickling it across Zayn’s jaw as he nuzzles against him. “What is wrong with me shaving my beard, love?”_

_Zayn curls his arms around Liam’s back, uncaring that they are in the middle of a home good’s store as he tilts his head, his lips scraping against Liam’s bare cheek. “I hate it,” he murmurs, but Liam can feel the quirk of his lips against his skin. “I just like you a lot so I didn’t want to hurt your feelings.”_

_Liam chuckles, fingers scraping against Zayn’s jaw, which is covered in a thick beard, similar to the one Liam had shaved off this morning while Zayn had pouted at him through the mirror. He kisses him softly, whispering a quiet, ‘well, I love you’ against his lips._

“Liam.”

Liam pulls his attention away from the watch and his memories, smiling softly at David. He is thankful that he isn’t required to respond, because he isn’t quite sure what he is talking about. Something to do with music, the studio he had worked in, his _fiancee_ -

He feels Sophia stiffen beside him, her mouth going still around her bite of food for only a brief moment before she smiles softly at David. Liam slides his fingers over her shoulder and to her neck, rubbing a gentle circle at the nape of her neck as David reaches over the table, showing off the ring wrapped around his ring finger. The diamonds engraved into the band sparkle from the light in the chandelier above them, and it looks expensive, just like everything else about David.

“Oh it is lovely,” Sophia says, giving David a smile that Liam would think is genuine if he couldn’t feel the tension seeping through her. “We will have to meet him, right love?”

She looks at Liam and he nods awkwardly, shifting in his seat and wondering when the hell this luncheon will be over.

It gets worse when Sophia excuses herself for the loo a moment later, but he can’t tell her to stay when he notices the way her face burns red right before she takes off from the table. Liam’s eyes fall on David, who looks back at him and it is just _awkward_.

“Er,” Liam starts, cupping the back of his neck and raising his brows. “Congratulations, then.”

“Thanks,” David says, like he feels just as awkward as Liam. “Soph is a good girl, I’m glad she has someone like you.”

Liam smiles, grabbing for his fork so he can stab the food on his plate and fill his mouth so he doesn’t have to respond to that. David doesn’t seem to mind, or be aware that he is feeling awkward, as he leans back in his chair, eyes towards the direction Sophia just went in.

+*

_“Can I tell you something?”_

_Zayn rolls to his side, arm snaking over Liam’s waist like a habit as he tilts his head up towards the man. They haven’t been together long, and this is still something new - sharing a bed with one another, but Zayn already feels like he needs Liam wrapped behind him in order to fall asleep._

_“I don’t sleep very well.”_

_The moonlight from outside peeks through the curtains enough that Zayn can see the way his lips quirk up and the way the soft light reflects in his eyes. He looks soft, eyelashes fluttering against his cheekbones, full lips rubbing together before he speaks._

_“Toss and turn a bit, only really sleep for a few hours,” Liam goes on, trailing his fingers up Zayn’s spine absentmindedly. “Medicine was never really that helpful.”_

_Zayn frowns, shifting up his body more so he can drag his lips against Liam’s jaw. Liam’s palm cups the back of his head, shifting it so he can drag his smile against Zayn’s lips._

_“Guess I hadn’t found the right drug yet,” Liam murmurs softly, the amusement clear in his voice._

_“What?” Zayn snickers, gripping onto his shirt to urge him to roll over onto his side too so they can press chest to chest. Liam’s heart bangs steadily against his and it is soothing._

_“You,” Liam whispers quietly, cutting off the laugh Zayn has bubbling in his throat with a hard press of the lips._

 

Liam drags his feet across Sophia’s kitchen floor, dropping her bags onto the counter that separates the kitchen from the living room. They went shopping after the luncheon, something Sophia likes to do when she is down, and she had cried on the way back - but Liam had been too nervous to say anything about it, knowing she doesn’t like when others see her cry. He is the same way, even with Niall, who had stopped by this morning to make sure he is okay.

He hadn’t been, and he knew his best mate was probably aware of the way his eyes were red and swollen, but Liam was thankful that Niall hadn’t said anything about it.

Liam turns, resting his back against the counter and dragging her closer to pepper a kiss to her forehead. She is much smaller than him, and it had been strange at first, seeing as he had been so used to a body roughly the same size as his. Fingertips holding a strength that mirrors his own, a broader chest that lined up perfectly with his.

“Alright?” Liam murmurs, looking down at her. “Want me to stay?”

He never does and she never wants him to, but he offers anyway - just in case tonight is different. He prefers being restless at night by himself rather than worrying about waking up someone else beside him, and he knows tonight will be one of those nights again - sleepless.

“No,” Sophia says, pushing up on her toes to scrape a kiss across his lips. “I’ll just see you at the banquet tomorrow, yeah?”

Liam only squeezes her tighter, frowning. “Are you sure you want to go? You don’t have to y’know. David will be there -”

Sophia shakes her head, giving him a reassuring smile. His phone vibrates in his pocket but he ignores it, holding Sophia closer as she tries to pull away again so he can answer it.

Sophia pats his cheek, tilting her head some. “I’ll be okay, yeah? You try getting some sleep. I know tomorrow means something to you.” She rests a palm over his heart, looking at her fingers like indicating the ink underneath his shirt.

Liam nods, placing one more kiss on her cheek before he slinks away from her. He listens to her sniffle as he pads out, pulling out his cellphone to call back whoever had rung.

His chest grows heavy with what he thinks Sophia feels as he eyes the Missed Call: No Caller ID.

+*

“ _Your mum is adorable.”_

_Liam grins, hiding it against Zayn’s jaw as he drags the other man’s hands above his head, pressing them into the pillow with gentle fingers wrapped around his wrists. “She likes you.”_

_Zayn cranes his head backwards, farther into the Batman covered pillow behind him. Liam's childhood bed is a lot smaller than he remembers, which is why he had suggested lying on top of Zayn a few moments ago with a cheeky grin._

_“Yeah? Think so?” Zayn murmurs shyly. He has been nervous all day, fidgeting non-stop like he knew where Liam was bringing him, even though Liam had kept it a surprise. He has mentioned it here and there over the last few weeks, wanting to meet Liam’s parents, how important it was to him for Liam to meet his._

_Liam nods before slotting their lips together into a slow kiss, his tongue flicking out to chase Zayn’s. He moans quietly, though it sounds obscenely loud in the small room, and he knows it is only because he is too hyper aware of the fact that his sisters are on the other side of the wall behind the headboard of his bed._

_“Know so,” Liam breathes when he pulls back. Zayn's head tilts to the side automatically like he knows what is running through Liam’s head. They fall in sync with each other so easily, never needing to ask - always giving the other what it is they want without word, like their bodies are programmed to dance with each other._

_Liam licks at the tendons of his neck, scraping his teeth against his skin gently until Zayn is shivering beneath him, soft breaths escaping his parted lips._

_“Already planning the wedding.”_

_Zayn huffs out harshly, pressing his wrists against Liam’s palms, and even though Liam loosens his grip, Zayn doesn't move them away from where he has them pressed._

_“I'll give her me Mummy’s number. I'm sure she'll like to help.”_

_Liam huffs out a laugh, one that breaks off into a moan as Zayn’s leg curls around his waist, dragging their hips together and their conversation dies out to be replaced by whimpered moans and quiet encouragements._

 

“Hey Mummy,” Liam answers, hugging the phone to his shoulder as he does up the tie around his neck. He watches himself in the mirror as he does it up, feeling stuffy again but at least this time it is for work. Paddy had bought him the suit as a promotion gift, even though Liam is thankful enough for just being given the job.

_I miss you when the lights go out, it illuminates all of my doubts_ plays softly in the background of his apartment. A song he has listened to a thousand times over, but the soft of Zayn’s voice always tugs at his chest.

He can feel the pain coating every note, knows what Zayn’s face looked like as he sang it. Because he had that same pain, that same expression as he wrote the words down. He has watched Zayn pour his emotions into a microphone, face scrunched like he actually feels them and Liam never knew if he did or not until recently.

He wonders if Zayn had written it on a day like this, in December - when the pain feels the worst. The air too cold and crisp outside, flakes falling here and there, just like they had the night they met - exactly six years ago today.

“Love,” Karen greets back, her voice warm but a bit concerned. “I tried calling you last night, everything okay?”

“Mhm,” Liam murmurs. He can’t decide if it is a lie or the truth, because he feels over the moon because Zayn had called, but his heart heavy at the same time. He has replayed the voicemail Zayn left over and over again since leaving Sophia’s house the night before, so much so that he has the words and the way Zayn’s voice had sounded, soft spoken and vulnerable, ingrained into his brain.

_“Liam, I’ve been sitting here for hours now, phone in hand, torn about calling you. And you know, after all that debating, I don’t even know what I wanted to say. I just wanted to hear your voice, I guess.”_

It feels important, but Liam just can’t figure out why, and he is beating himself up about not answering the phone. First the watch and now the phone call all within the same week, the day before their anniversary, and it is making him debate whether or not he should beg Niall to get Harry to give him Zayn’s phone number and call him today, to tell him that today is just as important to him as it was when they were celebrating it still together.

Because as much as he regrets the last eighteen months, he would never regret the four years he had spent with Zayn, telling himself that approaching Zayn that night one of the best things he has ever done.

“Yeah, Mum,” Liam answers as he hears a knock sounding at the door. It is loud throughout the apartment and he frowns, tugging himself away from the mirror. “I’m sorry, just one of those days.”

“Aw sunshine, I know,” Karen coos gently. “I can come see you tomorrow, if you would like? You have your banquet tonight, is that right?”

_Liam, it is me._

Liam relaxes at the sound of Niall’s voice, but still frowning when he knocks louder, more urgent. He is not in the mood for whatever his best mate has to say, especially if it has anything to do with Liam not being upset today, just like he had done last year. “Yeah, and no, that is okay. I’ll be fine. But thank you, Mummy.”

“Okay, honey. Well, I called to tell you about who I saw yesterday,” Karen goes on, and Liam goes back on alert when he hears the caution in her voice. He frowns as he opens the door, not liking the way she pauses after she speaks.

“Who?”

Niall walks into his room, eyes wide and nervous as he nibbles on his bottom lip. His face is quite flushed and Liam furrows his eyes at him without greeting him, clutching the phone to his ear.

“Zayn came ‘round the house to visit. I think he wanted to see you,” Karen tells him at the same time as Niall blurts out whatever it is that is making him so nervous.

“Zayn is in London, dude.”

+*

_Zayn has always loved the way his fingers look spreading down Liam’s back, digging into the muscles wrapped around his shoulders and tickling down his spine. He loves the way Liam’s muscles flex under his palms when he arches back, legs shaking as Zayn cups his hands around his hips to keep them lifted, because Liam always loses a bit of himself like this, loose limbed and shivering across the sheets._

_He loves how the roughest touch feels so gentle coming from Liam, how Liam’s warmth soaks across his skin, even when they aren’t pressed completely together. He loves the bruises left behind, and the way Liam licks across them with an apologetic tongue, though Zayn swears he isn’t put off by them._

_He likes to watch Liam squirm across the sheets, head tilted back against the pillow and hands gripping at Zayn’s hips to get him to move faster, even though Zayn knows he loves the way he drags it out, dicking into him slow and steady._

_“Ah babe,” Liam moans softly, pleasure making his face contort. His lips part around a silent moan, prick heavy and leaking between his legs and Zayn doesn’t know where to look - his belly, which bunches and flexes, or his face, which reddens and contorts. He tries to take it all in, imprint it in his head for later - when Zayn is alone with a hand around himself, trying to tease Liam while he is in class._

_“Let me see you come, babe,” Zayn murmurs, ducking his head forward some to press a kiss to Liam’s parted lips. He has been with plenty of people before, but he swears no one feels as good as Liam -_

 

Large hands smooth across his chest, digging at his shoulders before sliding down his arms. Lips are gentle against his throat, pressing soft kisses that don’t mean much, but in the mirror Zayn can see the way the skin they touch is purpled from before.

He hates the marks, but he has never said anything about them, so he only lets him do his thing, warming his tongue over his skin like he knows he needs to apologize for them.

“Come on, we have to get ready,” he whispers in Zayn’s ear before curling his arms around Zayn’s shoulders and stitching their bodies together. His coarse beard tickles Zayn’s bare jaw, and he embraces it, rubbing back against it. It was one of the things that caught Zayn’s interest, how it can relieve Zayn’s need to feel it scratch against his skin.

Zayn turns, fingers sliding against his beard before dragging him down into a kiss. His lips are full, soft against his own and he likes kissing, but it never warms through him like he craves. “Don’t rush me, you’re the one that wanted to mess around when you should be getting ready.”

David grins, cupping Zayn’s cheeks as he wiggles his brows. He has been more touchy than normal today, and Zayn thinks it has something to do with the lunch date he had gone on the day before. With _her_ -

Not that he minds, since his heart is in this just as much as he knows David’s is. Barely.

“Your fault you’re irresistable,” David jokes before pulling away, laughing before he pads off towards Zayn’s bathroom.

Zayn watches the muscles in his back flex as he walks off, something uneasy settling in his belly before he turns back to the mirror to continue trying to get his hair to be somewhat tame. He likes David, likes being with him, likes how he warms his sheets and makes him laugh, but this last week, since they have returned to London, Zayn has been plagued by thoughts of Liam.

He always has them, but he can deal with them just fine. He can push them out or let David’s hands consume his thoughts instead. The ache he usually feels, hadn’t been consuming at first, when he settled into their rented apartment in Los Angeles. Until he realized how much he hated it there, how much he hated pretending like he could find a home other than Liam.

And it has been worse today, of all days - their anniversary.

He was going to send a card, like he had the year before, but he kind of wants to show up on Liam’s doorstep with a tongue full of apologies.

Zayn sighs, padding over to the wardrobe to pull out the suit he had bought for David’s banquet. He doesn’t remember how he met David, because David claims it to be at the Wolf Den, where Zayn had been working at the time. Zayn remembers the furniture store, where he had been trying to convince himself to actually fill up his empty flat.

It had only been two months later when Zayn agreed to go to Los Angeles with him, as David pursued a career that was more than just singing at music venues. Zayn lost his craving for it, and while he enjoyed messing around with David’s recording equipment, making his EP, when the offer came to him to create something more - something under an actual record label, Zayn couldn’t do it.

Zayn wrinkles his nose at himself as he pulls on the turtle neck, making sure it covers the marks on his throat before pulling his dress jacket over it.

+*

_He isn’t nervous, though he knows he should be. He can’t feel anything really, other than the numbness that has held him since he moved from Wolver-Hampton. He thought it would be the right step to take, to feel better, but it has only made him feel worse._

_The words replay in his head, and he can see the scratchy way Liam had written them on the back of his eyelids.. It took him some time to find the right way to pour them out, and he had cried for hours with Harry on the phone after he sang it for the first time._

_“I was so scared to face my fears, ‘cause nobody told me that you’d be here,” he sings, letting his eyes fall shut so he doesn’t have to look at the unfamiliar faces around him. It is his first night working here, and it doesn’t feel nearly as exciting as he had hoped it would. All he can think about is how Liam probably looked when he wrote down these lyrics. “And I swore you  moved overseas, that is what you said, when you left me.”_

 

The Wolf Den is just as he remembers it, though it has only been about six or seven months since he had left. The round tables are spaced around the room with silky white and red tablecloths, centerpieces that twinkle in the middle from the overhead lights. They are celebrating the new staff, David included, and Zayn remembers when they had done this for him too.

He has been looking for another job since he has returned to London, and he had been a bit bummed that David snatched up the position here before him, even though he knows Paddy would give him the job back if he asked for it. He just couldn’t do that to David, he had been _so_ excited after months of being turned away in Los Angeles. He is fine with money, from his savings and his parents, the surprising amount of EPs he has sold, but he needs to keep saving or he will run out.

Paddy hasn’t changed either, grumpy looking but bright when Zayn approaches where he speaks to David. David’s hand instinctively goes to his back, fingers digging into his dress coat as Zayn holds his hand out to Paddy.

It is a strange gesture but Zayn sinks into it, though unwilling to curl his arm around David too. It is rarely like this, them touching or even being around each other in public. When Zayn actually goes out with him, that is. Los Angeles had been days of alone time for Zayn, while David ran the scene. Not that he minded, he liked being alone while he recorded music he didn’t want David to hear, as long as he didn’t have to sleep alone too often.

“Paddy,” Zayn greets warmly, squeezing his old boss’s fingers.

“It is good to see you again,” Paddy goes on. “We will have to get together and you can tell me all about Los Angeles, yeah? Heard quite a lot of good things about you, son.”

Zayn warms, nodding. No one has understood why he couldn’t accept any deals, so he hates talking about it with anyone other than his Mum. David doesn’t understand, because he had tried to get deals and had been upset when Zayn turned them down so easily.

He assumed it was easy, but it hadn’t been. Just the right thing for Zayn to do.  

“Missed it here,” Zayn jokes, sipping at his champagne.

“You’re welcome anytime. Just walk right in, give a name. But you’re a _legend_ around here, Zayner. Pretty sure the staff couldn’t forget you.”

“A tough act to follow,” David adds, laughing some but it is clearly not genuine. He cups the back of Zayn’s head quickly before excusing himself, and Zayn doesn’t miss the hard set of his jaw before he takes off. Guilt curls itself into his belly as he looks away from the way his shoulders hunch forward as he takes off.

“Thanks for hiring him,” Zayn murmurs quietly once David is far enough that he can’t hear their conversation. He had been quite bummed about his lack of success in the States, and Zayn had been happy for him when he had gotten the job here, even if it isn’t anything like what he had been hoping for while in Los Angeles.

“If I knew you were headed home, I would have offered it to you,” Paddy assures him, nudging the top of his champagne glass at him and Zayn doesn’t bother correcting him that this isn’t his home. “He has a decent voice, I’ll give him that. But my assistant was the one that made the final decision.”

“Ronnie?” Zayn asks, frowning at him. Ronnie was miserable, always complaining about every act that came through the front doors. Too sad, too high pitched, too old sounding or not old enough. He said Zayn cried too much into the microphone, that he needed to calm down a bit before his neck veins actually break through his throat.  

“No, no,” Paddy laughs, clapping Zayn on the back and pulling him forward some. “New guy, bar tended for me for a bit before Ronnie quit. You will love him. Best decision I ever made hiring him. Well, second best, after hiring you.”

Zayn grins up at Paddy, laughing some. “Not a grump like Ronnie?”

“Sometimes,” Paddy laughs again, guiding him across the floor as Paddy searches for whoever it is he is looking for. “If you catch him on a bad day, but he has a heart of gold that one. Smart too, like wicked brilliant - there he is.”

His grin slips from his face immediately when he hears the _Payno c’mere_ leave Paddy’s lips. Time slows, he swears as he tries to process his words. It feels as if his heart stops in his chest, everything around him stilling. It feels like forever before he can slide his eyes away from Paddy and to the man that he gestures.

Zayn sucks in a breath, his heart coming back to life at full speed, banging loudly against his sternum so suddenly that it hurts. Those brown eyes that have frequented his thoughts over the last eighteen months are on him, and there is no surprise in them, and they don’t leave his face as Paddy introduces them.

His throat is tight with the tears he thought he had gotten rid of long ago, a pressure taking over his face like he could let them out but he gulps down quickly, watching the way Liam’s face warms over, a small, assuring smile on his lips before he holds his hand out to Zayn.

He can’t process the fact that Liam is in front of him. It has been so long, and he has craved seeing him again so _badly_.

Those warm eyes, full of light and love, those ruddy colored lips and the smile that takes over them, prettier than his memories though he could have sworn he could never forget it.

Zayn sucks in a soft breath as their palms press together, Liam’s hand so warm that he wants to drag him closer and press their chests together. He thought he could handle seeing Liam again, that is why he had tried to the day before, heading to Wolver-Hampton to see his family and find out where Liam is living, but he realizes in this moment he can’t handle it at all.

“Nice to meet you, Zayn,” Liam says, his voice filled with the warmth that Zayn had always thought was special just for him.

“You as well,” Zayn manages with a shaky breath. He presses his lips together, pulling his eyes away from Liam and onto Paddy because he feels like he could burst if he keeps looking at Liam for a second longer.

He can feel Liam’s eyes on him as Paddy speaks, but he keeps his eyes away and sips at the champagne in his glass as a distraction. “Liam started here just after you left, I think. Found him at that little bar down the road? You know the one, yeah?”

Zayn nods, glancing back at Liam. He looks so good in his suit, all black other than the silky navy blue shirt underneath, making his shoulders look thicker and his chest broader. His beard is trimmed nicely, but it still lays thick against his jaw just like the way Zayn has always liked it, and his hair is pushed into a loose quiff that curls over to the side, much longer than the last time they were together.

And he can’t help but notice the watch on Liam’s wrist, the one Zayn had Harry buy and deliver for him, which Harry had gladly done for him because he has been in Zayn’s ear for months now talking about how he should just go pour his heart out to Liam instead of pouring his heart out to him.

“Excuse me,” Zayn says suddenly, giving Paddy an apologetic smile that he hopes doesn’t actually look like a grimace. “I need the loo.”

Paddy nods and Zayn doesn’t look at Liam before he takes off, trying to look normal but he practically runs to the bathroom because he feels like he is actually burning up. His skin is hot and there is sweat starting to stick to the back of his neck.

He places his glass on the edge of the sink before turning on the cold water, cupping his hands underneath the stream of it. He pats cool water to his face, but it does little to calm the feeling running through him. It feels like his chest is debating on whether to break apart or to finally stitch itself back together.

“Oh fuck,” Zayn murmurs, patting his face some more. Seeing Liam again had filled him with a warmth he had forgotten about, a feeling in his chest that he thought he would never feel again because he knew Liam was the only one who could provide it. But it also fucking aches, feelings like knives stabbing around his sternum and it makes his head dizzy. “Oh fuck, oh fuck.”

“Zayn.”

Zayn should have known he would follow after him, but there is a sob in his throat threatening to spill out when he sees Liam coming into the bathroom anyway, a worried expression making his brow crease and a look in his eyes that tells Zayn he feels the same as him right now. He keeps his face cool, or at least, not as strangled as he feels as he looks at Liam.

“What are you doing here?”

Liam’s brows furrow in confusion and he stops coming closer. “I work here.”

“London,” Zayn repeats, frowning at him. There is a million things he wants to say to Liam, and have thought about the few times he has let himself think about seeing Liam again, but right now this feels like the most important. Liam left at the _idea_ of Zayn going to London, it doesn’t make sense for him to come here when it is what ruined them. “Why are you in London?”

“I came ‘round looking for you,” Liam tells him softly. “But I was too late, you - you called me and I realized you left. I knew you would come back, I’ve been waiting for you to come back.”

Zayn just stares at him, trying to make sense of Liam’s words but his hands are on him, mushing up his mind even more. And his eyes dart down to the swell of his bottom lip, little crescent shapes indenting them because Liam always nibbles incessantly at his bottom lip when he is worried or nervous.

Liam’s palms are gentle against his cheeks and he doesn’t hesitate to rest his palms against Liam’s chest, feeling the fast pace of his heart, in sync with his own. “I needed you to come back.”

“Why didn’t you answer my phone calls then?”

Liam’s brow wrinkles even more and Zayn hates the way his words sound broken, because he wants to apologize to Liam, not make him feel worse. He pulls back away from Liam, because Liam’s touch makes it hard to keep down the feeling in his chest, threatening to come up through his throat and spill past his lips in a wrecked sound.

“Need a smoke,” Zayn murmurs, pushing past Liam before he can say anything else.

+*

The conversation around him is just a quiet buzz that he can’t focus on as he searches through the crowd, the craving to see Zayn’s face again too hard to ignore. He hates the broken look that had taken over his expression in the bathroom. He had never wanted to see it again, and he hates that when they finally get to see each other again, he has to see that look.

And Liam knows it is his fault, but he needs Zayn to know that it is something he has been wanting to fix. That he has stayed up for nights on end, beating himself up for missing his phone calls that he has wanted to answer, but Zayn has always called him blocked and he could never call him back.

“Liam,” Sophia says, patting him on the chest. Her brows furrow in worry as she pulls him back into the conversation. David is standing in front of them, sipping at his champagne with his eyes on Liam. “Alright in there?”

“Hm?” Liam asks, shifting away from her some. He feels bad, but he isn’t going to pretend to be her boyfriend when Zayn is around. The idea of Zayn being with anyone else causes him pain, and he doesn’t want to take the chance and hurt Zayn anymore if that is something that would bother him too.

“David was just talking about his time in LA,” she goes on, brows still furrowed as she rubs at his back. “You’ve always wanted to go there, yeah?”

Liam nods, giving David an apologetic smile. “Yeah, sorry. Bit of a headache, um -”

He is about to excuse himself, using the headache as a reason though that isn’t the part of his body that hurts, when he eyes Zayn in the crowd. He is nibbling incessantly at his bottom lip, face red and silver tipped hair sticking out around his head much more than it had been in the bathroom. Dragging his fingers through his hair when he is nervous or upset has always been a habit of his, and Liam wants to take his fingers into his hand like he used to always do when they were together and Zayn would get fidgety.

Liam loses himself for a moment, watching Zayn work his way through the crowd. He has longed to see Zayn again, because Niall telling him he is okay isn’t enough as seeing him in person, making sure he is okay with his own two eyes.

Because the first time he heard Zayn’s music, pouring out Liam’s feelings and his own, the pain in his voice had broke Liam.

Zayn’s eyes find his for a moment and he swallows, making Liam’s heart thud heavily in his chest as he comes over.

For a wild moment, Liam thinks he is approaching him, coming to drag him away so they can talk but the pain in his chest doubles when he eyes the way Zayn’s comes to David’s side, the way David’s face lights up before he slides an arm around his waist.

“Here he is. Hey babe,” David says, but his voice sounds muddled in Liam’s ears, hard to hear over the way his heart beats heavily against his eardrums. The way his heart cracks in his chest, because no -

David had told them he is _engaged_.

David can’t be engaged to Zayn.

Zayn avoids his eyes, and Liam knows he is uncomfortable by the awkward smile he gives them, the way his eyes linger too long on their feet. His jaw is tense when he holds his hand out to Sophia, letting it drop to his side when David introduces him to Liam.

And Liam feels as if he might be sick as the realization crashes down around him. They are _engaged_ -

“The one you were telling us about?”

Zayn looks at him then, brows furrowed before he glances back at David. He can’t get the word out even if he tried, _fiancee_. It gives him an actual headache just thinking the word.

“Yeah,” David says brightly, looking at Zayn and maybe Liam needs a smoke now too. He gleams and Liam tells himself that that brightness isn’t returned from Zayn, but he looks away because he can’t be sure. “Liam here is the one that got me the job, yeah?”

Zayn raises his brows, shifting awkwardly on his feet. “That was quite nice of you.”

Liam curls an arm around Sophia’s waist like David is with Zayn, looking down for her. “Sophia here asked. Anything f’my girl.”

He regrets the words as soon as they pass his lips and he wishes he could suck them back in, mentally cussing at himself. He has always been spiteful, but he has been trying to work on it.

“Awe babe,” Sophia coos, pushing up on her toes to peck a kiss to the corner of his mouth.

He excuses himself then, before the feeling in his chest can show on his face, avoiding the brown eyes he can feel planted on him.

+*

Liam sits on the edge of a stone wall outside of the Wolf Den, watching the smoke drift away from the cherry. It is cold outside, the crisp air biting at his warmer skin and he hadn’t thought to get his coat, but he can’t seem to get himself to go back inside.

“Liam.”

The voice warms through him as he looks up at Zayn, who stands a few feet away, hands tucked into the deep of his coat pockets. He looks at Liam for a long moment before coming over and sitting beside him.

“You smoke now?”

Liam shakes his head, handing him the cigarette. “Smells like you.”

Zayn looks down at the cigarette before bringing it to his lips, eyes intent on Liam still. Liam doesn’t look away either, watches the way his lips wrap around the bud and the smoke curls past his lips. He is highly aware of the fact that there is no ring on his finger, but he knows David couldn’t have been talking about anyone else.

“You should go inside,” Zayn murmurs quietly, brows pinching together for a moment. “Cold out here. And you’re not wearing a jacket.”

Liam shrugs, lips quirking up some as he remembers how Zayn used to always fret over him. Liam used to joke and call him Mum, which he always wrinkled his nose at.  

“M’alright,” Liam says, but his heart thumps a bit painfully when he sees David coming out of the venue, searching for Zayn.

Zayn gives him an apologetic look before he stands up, waving two fingers at David. “Thanks for the fag.”

“Zayn,” Liam says suddenly, standing up. He doesn’t think before he places his palm to Zayn’s lower back, fingering at the material but he takes it as a good sign when Zayn sinks into it, a pressure against his fingers that he had missed. “It is really good seeing you.”

Zayn gives him a soft look, turning so the rest of his body faces him, hiding the way his palm presses against his chest, over the roman numerals inked on his skin that Liam had gotten years ago with Zayn’s fingers in his hand. “Do you know what today’s day is?”

Liam parts his lips to speak but Zayn drops his hand and turns away, a ghost of a smile still on his lips but it doesn’t reach his eyes. The look in his eyes is sad, there is no denying that and it hurts Liam to see it in those normally bright, golden brown eyes. “See you around maybe, Liam.”

David waves goodbye to Liam, but he can barely muster a wave other than a wiggle of his fingers by his hip as he watches Zayn sink into the other man’s side before heading towards the parking lot.

He hadn’t thought Zayn had forgotten today’s importance, but Zayn confirming that he remembered stabs through him in a both pleasant and painful way.

+*

“ _Liam what are you doing?”_

_Zayn giggles softly, circling his fingers around Liam’s wrists though he doesn’t tug them off of his face like he wants to. He can’t see anything, and he sinks farther back into Liam’s chest because he trusts him, he is just nervous about tripping and he hates surprises, but Liam loves them._

_“Shh,” Liam hums, lips next to his ear. He skates them across his cheek, just a whisper against his skin before he is guiding them forward again. Something sharp and hot fills Zayn’s nose, and another scent he can’t put a name too - but it reminds him of his family home. “Happy Anniversary.”_

_Liam drops his hands away from his eyes but curls his arms around Zayn’s waist, his lips sliding to Zayn’s jaw as he takes in Liam’s dining room, the candles covering the table and all around the room. It is covered in food, food he knows was cooked by his mum just by the dishware it is placed on, but his heart jumps heavily in his chest because Liam did all of this for him._

_“Leeyum,” Zayn coos softly, turning to plant his palms to Liam’s cheeks. “You shouldn’t have.”_

_Liam wrinkles his nose before pecking a quick kiss to his lips. “Of course I should have. So I can see that look on your face.”_

_Zayn rolls his eyes, slinking his arms around Liam’s shoulders to keep him close. His fingers span out across his lower back, warming him even through his clothes. “I didn’t get you anything though -”_

_“Sh,” Liam hushes, grinning at him. “Just have a good time, yeah?”_

 

“Have a good time?”

Zayn rolls over to his side to face David, who leans against the entrance to his room, sliding on a long sleeved shirt. No, he wants to say. He feels broken again and he kind of just wants to be left alone. He likes that David keeps him company in his bed, but the last few weeks it hasn’t been as satiating as it normally is - his body is too larger, wider and longer than his, too hard and his hands too soft, not rough and calloused enough.

“Yeah,” he mumbles, before turning back around and tugging the pillow back to his chest. He understands now, why Liam hasn't answered his calls. He seems happy with _her_ -

“I'm gonna head home um, you're okay, yeah?”

Zayn only huffs out his _yes_ , listening to David pad over to the side of the room he faces. David leans over him, plopping a kiss to his forehead.

“We'll talk yeah? If you don't want to do this anymore -”

Zayn curls his arms around the back of his neck as he rolls onto his back, dragging David down closer. “Do what?”

“Do you think of me as your boyfriend?”

Zayn is leaning forward to push their lips together when he pulls back instead, frowning at him. He doesn't, because he hates the term, and he had thought that the feeling was mutual, since David has never referred to him as it before. Since they have barely ever gone on a date, and Zayn refused to share an apartment with him when they moved back from Los Angeles, despite being whatever they actually are - for eight months now.

“Because you seemed uncomfortable today, acting like it.”

“Did you only want me to because she was there?” Zayn shoots back, raising a brow. He doesn’t feel angry at David because of it, he is just in a bad mood and doesn’t want to feel like the bad guy here. “‘Cause this is the first time in months we've gone out together, and the first time in even longer you've wanted me by your side. And the first time you've ever been concerned with a label -”

David sighs, heavying some of his weight onto Zayn as he presses their lips together to quiet him. He is grinning slightly when he pulls back, his fingers dragging over Zayn’s forehead to push the hair there back.

“I’m sorry, Zed. Is it that obvious it's her?”

Zayn nods, nibbling on his bottom lip. He doesn't know the story, what happened between the two of them, and he doesn’t care to know, because he has refused to answer questions when David has asked them, about the X XII inked over his heart. “Her picture is in your wallet.”

David chuckles, rolling off of him, but after plopping another kiss to his lips. “Want her to think I'm happy without her.”

Zayn cups the back of his head, watching David step into his shoes before he leaves. The _I'm not_ is silent, and Zayn doesn't comment on it because he understands.

+*

_Zayn curls onto Liam’s lap, an arm slinking around his shoulders and toes tucking between the cushions of the couch. Liam doesn't look away from the game on the telly, but he smoothes his palm up Zayn’s thigh as Zayn tickles his lips against his cheekbone._

_“I reckon Harry fancies him.”_

_Liam’s lips quirk up as he glances across the room where Harry and Niall are sat, Harry taking Niall’s attention away from the game - something that seems impossible usually. There could be World War 3 outside, but Niall wouldn’t notice if there were a good game playing._

_“I reckon you're right,” Liam murmurs, tilting his head back with a lazy smile. He warms his hand farther up Zayn’s thigh, just to touch because it feels like he is unable to stop himself. Zayn understands. Even surrounded by their friends, it is hard to keep his hands away from Liam, to not want to soak into the warmth that his skin always holds._

_Zayn grins, catching Liam's jaw with gentle fingers before bringing their lips together. It is like sleeping in a bed with sheets fresh from the dryer, the warmth settling down to his core._

_“What the fuck,” Louis grumbles, kicking his feet onto Zayn’s lap and making Zayn jerk away from Liam for a moment. “The four of you are disgusting and I hate you. I hate you, all.”_

_Zayn only huffs out a laugh before he kisses Liam deeper. There is little in this world, other than his family, that he likes more than being surrounded by his four boys._

 

“Payno!”

Liam stiffens as he pulls his eyes away from the paperwork laid out on his desk. His office is quite small, the door only few feet away from the wooden table he sits at and he has nowhere else to look other than his doorway, where David stands. The walls are covered in papers and pictures, of old acts and Paddy with famous people he has met.

There is one of Zayn, that Liam had noticed a few weeks after he had taken the job, unknowing that this was the place that Zayn had left Wolver-Hampton for, because he had sworn to erase his memory of that whole shitty time.

“Liam,” he corrects, flinching at himself. _Be nice,_ he tells himself -

“Right, Liam,” David corrects, looking apologetic and it makes Liam feel worse. He seems to be a nice lad, and he knows Zayn would never be with someone who wasn’t. He just can’t help it. “Paddy said you had my schedule?”

Liam raises his brows before nodding, turning to his desk drawer to dig through it. He can feel David’s eyes on him, can feel that he wants to say something else but Liam just wants him to leave.

He finds the envelope with David’s name scribbled on it and he hands it to him, giving him a soft smile that he hopes is polite but also gives him the hint to leave.

“Thanks,” David murmurs, shifting awkwardly. “And um - I was actually wondering if I could talk to you about something.”

“Um, okay -”

David takes that as a go ahead to sit in the seat opposite of Liam, and he tries not to be annoyed but he can't help it. All he can think of is his lips on Zayn’s, his hands, the damn ring on his finger.

Liam frowns, noticing it isn't there as David rubs his palms nervously against his thighs. And that kind of irritates him too, because there is no reason he shouldn’t be wearing it. The only time people take off engagement rings are usually not for good reasons -

“It's about Sophia,” David starts, taking Liam by surprise. He had thought it would be about Zayn, even though he is quite sure Zayn hasn't mentioned him, or at least that is how it seems. “We’ve um, we were together for quite a while. Broke up earlier this year, and I just - I don’t know if she has told you, so I just wanted to make sure we are good or whatever. Since we work together.”

“She didn’t tell me,” Liam says coolly, not sure of what else to say. He could tell, but it hardly matters to him. David widens his eyes, grimacing some as he leans back into the chair, fingers digging into his knees. “Seems like you’ve moved on pretty quickly though yeah? Couldn’t be too serious then so -”

He eyes the way David’s face scrunches up in confusion and he presses his lips together instead of finishing, quirking up a brow at him.

“Not like she hasn’t done the same, mate.”

Liam gives him an easy grin that feels more malicious than he intends to make it, pointing to his ring finger. He doesn’t care about him and Sophia, but the pain in his chest tenfolds at the idea that Zayn and him are engaged after only less than a _year_ together.

“Not getting married, mate.”

David’s lips part to say something as Liam’s phone buzzes and he reaches for it. David presses his lips tightly together before patting his thighs before standing and holding a hand out to Liam.

He takes it, shaking it tightly and ignoring the way he puts as much strength into as possible as he brings the cell phone up to his ear. He holds the bowl of starbursts sat on his desk as a peace offering when David pulls his hands away, trying not to think about how he wants to tell David that he knows what they taste like on his fiancee’s tongue.

“Hope we’re good,” David mumbles, voice tight.

“Hey Harry,” Liam answers, giving a wave to David and thankful he has a reason to get out of the conversation with him. “What's happenin’ bro?”

“Bros night,” Harry says excitedly. “Nialler has finally got the NFL channel. So some American football, some beers, Louis will be there too. We’ll get like, wings or whatever.”

Liam grins, knocking back against his seat. “Sounds alright. I'll be there.”

He isn't quite the fan of American football, but he likes the way Niall and Harry bicker about it, and he has missed Louis - and Niall and Harry, even though it has only been a few days since he has seen them.

“Great,” Harry goes on. “And um, Liam? Don't bring Sophia, yeah?”

Liam stiffens, dragging his fingers across his beard, trying to figure out what Harry means by that. He knows Harry isn’t quite fond of Sophia even though he thinks they _could_ be, if Harry weren’t best mates with Zayn.

“Just - lads night, yeah?”

“Okay,” Liam says, dragging the word out in confusion. “Then no snogging Niall -”

“No way,” Harry laughs, interrupting. It is oddly nice, reminding Liam of before - when things weren't so awkward between the two of them. “You know me, a little alcohol in my system and I'm touchin’ him -”

Liam groans, clenching his eyes shut before he hangs up the phone.

+*

Zayn breathes out heavily, wiping his shaking hands down his thighs. He needs a drink already, or to kill Harry and hide his body somewhere discreet, he isn't sure.

“Breathe,” Harry laughs, patting his cheek. “It'll be fun. Like old times.”

“Haz,” Zayn says firmly, frowning at him. It won't be, and as much as he wants to see him, he is so nervous he might be sick. “You're a prick for dropping this on me right before he is due to come.”

Harry grimaces before reaching behind him and producing a can of beer. “You wouldn't have come if I told you too early. Plus, I know how badly you miss him. You should be thanking me.”

“I'll thank you by getting sick in your bed,” Zayn mumbles with a grin as he cracks open the can. He doesn't know how to tell Harry that he needs to stay away from Liam, afraid of ruining something that makes him happy by blurting out how badly he has been wanting to be back in his life.

He should have known Harry was up to something when he insisted that Zayn not invite David today. Not that he would have, since he has been getting a bit on his nerves about how he seems to dislike Liam - rude and unfriendly, apparently, everything David says indicating that Liam doesn't like him even though they've only worked with each other a small amount of time and Zayn isn't sure if that is because of him or Sophia.

And he tries not to think too much about it.

He feels like his body is going to explode as it nears closer to game time, nearly running out of Harry and Niall’s flat when someone knocks at the door. It is only Louis, and Zayn hides into his chest the moment he walks in.

He hasn't seen Louis since before he left for Los Angeles, and he hugs him tightly, molding against him.

“Alright?” Louis asks quietly, rubbing his back and Zayn pulls away because he sounds uneasy. His face scrunches together and he looks nervous and one quick glance over his shoulder tells Zayn why.

Behind him, still standing in the doorway is Liam, carrying a six pack and a grocery bag that he hands to Niall, jaw tense and brows furrowed. He looks good in his leather jacket, even though Zayn hates it because it is freezing outside and Liam gets sick so easily. Zayn used to think he liked being cold, just so he can whine and convince Zayn to warm him up.

“Good to see you,” Zayn murmurs to Louis as he pulls away. He feels awkward, like he isn't sure what to do. If he should greet Liam, or if he should go claim a seat on the couch, or run out to his car and just leave.

“Hey,” Liam greets with a small smile that looks just as as awkward as he feels but it still holds his usual warmth. He nods his head in Zayn’s direction before he heads for the kitchen.

Zayn chugs the rest of his beer before handing it to Harry, who gives him an apologetic look before heading to the couch.

It only gets worse with Zayn on the couch as the game starts, Louis against his knees and Liam sat opposite of him. He thinks Harry is up to something, because instead of sitting on the free space between Liam and him, he sits on Niall’s lap on a too small chair and Niall looks uncomfortable, though he keeps his arms around Harry’s waist.

And it gets worse, because Liam is good with getting comfortable in awkward situations and Zayn has to witness him laugh, being the epitome of joy as his eyes crinkle and his mouth falls open, bum wiggling on the couch as the sound fills the room, clapping his hands like Niall is the funniest thing in the world.

“No,” Liam says to Niall, who is going on about how good one of the teams are. Zayn doesn't even know who is playing - he can't concentrate. “I have no fucking clue what is going on, mate. Why do you like this shit?”

Zayn bites around his grin, looking at Liam. His face is serious now as he bickers with Niall, who looks highly offended, waving at the screen as the other lad throws out stats. It is awfully adorable and his heart bangs harshly in his chest because of it.

Harry shoves off of Niall’s lap, squeezing between the arm of the couch and Zayn, wiggling until he moves over some. Zayn feels a bit buzzed so he pushes away the beer Harry offers him.

“S’nice, all of us hanging out again,” Harry goes on, eyes bright with mischief. He shoves Zayn a little more, until he feels only inches away from Liam’s side. “And I missed you Zayner, don't go that far away from me again.”

“I don't plan on it,” Zayn promises gently, tucking his fingers between his legs so he won't tug them through his hair like he wants to. “Like it here better.”

“You didn't like Los Angeles?”

That is Liam speaking, forcing Zayn to look at him. He leans away from him, but his body is turned towards his instead of the television. He gives Zayn a small smile, like assuring him it is okay -

Zayn shakes his head. “Americans are rude, mate.”

Liam snorts, lips quirking up as he scratches at his beard. Zayn wants to too, and is close enough that he could. “You know I've heard that about them.”

“And they like shitty things like this,” Zayn jokes, nudging his head towards the television.

Liam barks out a laugh and it warms Zayn all over, easing the tension he feels so easily. He tilts his bottle towards Zayn and he reaches for the unopened one on the table in front of Louis so he can tap it to Liam’s.

“Was it America that helped you be less afraid of driving? Figured it was your car outside, didn't recognize it.”

Zayn shakes his head, nibbling on his bottom lip. His cheeks flush as he remembers how often he freaked out in the driver's seat as Liam tried to teach him to drive. Liam had been patient, laughing - though never unkindly, until Zayn learned how to operate his car.

“Still terrified,” Zayn admits quietly, shrugging some. “America made my fear worse.”

Liam gives him an easy smile around the brim of his bottle. “But the food?”

“Amazing, bro.”

It isn't as bad after that, he feels more comfortable making jokes with them, allowing himself to feel like he did when they all used to hang out together. It is nice, and so is the way Liam’s arm curls around the back of the couch as Niall turns on some movie after pouting about his team losing, and though he isn't touching Zayn, he might as well be by the way his body goes on full alert.

His senses are filled with his cologne and he craves to move closer and soak into his warmth. His legs are spread some and Zayn wants to seat himself there like he used to always do when they were together, needing Liam’s strong arms wrapped around his waist and his lips scraping at the back of his neck.

The sudden feel of Liam’s fingers against the back of his neck surprise him, making him drag his eyes from where he realized he was staring at Liam’s legs. Liam's eyes are on him, brows pushed together as Zayn’s skin flames up.

“Alright?”

Zayn nods, swallowing thickly. “Need some popcorn I reckon.”

Liam's fingers press flat against his skin before he removes them, shifting farther away from Zayn and nodding distractedly. “S’only right, mate.”

 

Zayn watches the bag grow larger in the microwave, listening to the _pop pop_ that sounds from it. He feels a bit dizzy, not from the alcohol but from the way his heart thuds heavily in his chest. It feels good, being comfortable around Liam.

Really, _really_ good.

Like his thoughts have called him, he pads into the kitchen, brows furrowed and lips pouted before he notices Zayn looking at him. A grin tugs at his lips and he comes over, leaning a hip against the counter Zayn stands in front of.

“Sorry,” Liam says, not explaining what for. He fidgets before pushing away, fingers digging into the pockets of his jeans. “Wanted to say something but I forget -”

Zayn reaches for him, even though his brain screams _no no_. There is a louder part that says _tug him close_ , and he rather listen to that side. He cups Liam’s hip, fingers digging into the material to stop him from walking out of the kitchen like he looks like he is going to do. M

“Liam,” he says softly. He bites hard at his bottom lip, because he actually doesn’t know what else to say other than _don’t leave me_. “It’s nice - um, I’m glad to have you like - I’m glad that you are here.”

Liam steps closer, only a few inches from him. Zayn blames the alcohol for pulling Liam even closer, until their toes knock against each other, but he knows it is really the muscle in his chest that needs him closer.

“Yeah,” Liam breathes, reaching out and sliding a palm against his jaw. Zayn pushes into it, wanting to close his eyes and embrace the warmth under Liam’s hand, but he can’t pull his eyes away from Liam’s face. How warm it looks, how it shapes into something that Zayn hasn’t seen since things were good, before that damn night at Funky Buddah that ruined everything. “Missed being around you. Hope we can see more of each other.”

There are mean things he could say, have wanted to say, but he doesn't want to say any of them now. He knows why Liam left, he just wants Liam back.

“I would like that,” Zayn says quietly as the microwave dings. He ignores it though as Liam’s thumb rubs at the corner of his mouth, hand tilting his chin up just a centimeter until their lips are level.

He drops his eyes down to the way Liam licks at his, his brows pushing together, an expression of turmoil. _Kiss me kiss me_ , Zayn chants to himself, but Liam’s hand drops away from him.

“Call me,” Liam tells him, lips tugging up some. “I promise I'll answer.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay don't hate me

_“Close your eyes.”_

_Liam pouts his lips but his eyes close anyway, his hands coming up to cover the headphones snug against his ears. He looks adorable with the crease between his brow, like he is concentrating on keeping his eyes closed instead of peeking them open to see which album Zayn chooses for him to listen to._

_Zayn presses his lips to Liam’s, uncaring that they are in the middle of some sketchy looking record store. They had found it while they had been looking for the tattoo shop Liam had wanted to go to, thankfully not as sketchy as the record store._

_Liam grins, ducking his head forward, eyes still closed and Zayn plants a hand over his chest, careful not to jostle the plastic wrap that he knows is covering the fresh ink on his chest, underneath his loose shirt. It had been a surprise, a declaration that seems unnecessary but he can’t deny the way it had made his chest swell when Liam explained what he was getting done._

_Before Zayn could stop him too, like he knew Zayn was going to think it was impractical. He did, knows he is going to get a scolding from Harry because tattoos are forever, relationships are not, but it was on a whim - a way to tell Liam his feelings were returned. After he nervously laughed, laying down on the chair, making jokes about how they were allowed to be reckless, that they were young and free when Liam insisted that he needn’t get one just because Liam had._

_And plus, Zayn knows anything can happen, that relationships don’t always last, but there isn’t anything he can think of that would ever come between the two of them. His heart will always be Liam’s, no matter what is in store for them._

_“I like this song,” Liam jokes, reaching to cup his cheek but Zayn ducks away, chuckling softly as Liam frowns._

_He turns, slipping the disc he had hidden behind his back into the CD player. He feels Liam’s chest press against his back, hand slipping down his side to curl around his waist. His lips tickle his neck and Zayn can feel the smile they form into._

_“Is it Frank Ocean? I bet it’s Frank Ocean.”_

_Zayn sighs out, pretending to be irritated that Liam guessed right as he eyes the orange album cover. “Yeah, how’d you know? Are your eyes open?”_

_Liam skates his lips to his jaw, pressing down at the hinge. “No. Just ‘cause you know how much I love him.”_

_“How much?”_

_Liam groans in complaint softly, squeezing his arm around Zayn’s waist tighter. “Almost as much as you.”_

 

Zayn loves this place.

The chill atmosphere, the wooden cabin look, the way the shelves are stacked higher than he can reach, and above them are designs of covers and artists, sketched and painted out from what he can see.

There are couches all around, chocolate brown and grunged up, with scratches and worn looking like they were made that way. The headphones connected to tiny music players around the room are thick and bulky, though there are newer ones - the expensive ones, on display by the counter, inside a locked glass box. The music in the background is just a whisper, one he barely notices unless he focuses his attention on but it is difficult to do under the busy chatter of the customers.

And he can’t seem to focus on anything, even the buzz of chatter around him, as he walks in, the bell chirping above him going unnoticed as he eyes him in the back of the store. Harry and him had just been talking this morning about what he would do if he saw Liam again, since he hadn’t called him like Liam had asked.

He has wanted to, and Harry has pushed him to, but the fear in his gut makes it hard to get his fingers to hit the call button.

And in a city as large as this one, with as big of a population as it has, it had been easy to convince himself that he wouldn't run into the other lad. But he should have _known_ his heart would tug him in his direction.

Liam wears a fitted black and white striped shirt, tight around his chest and loose around his hips. There is a light brown fedora snuggled on top of his head, so only the start of his quiff peeks out from underneath the brim and it isn’t anything Zayn would ever think Liam would wear, but it is terribly adorable on him.  

“Well, I'll be damned!”

The familiar voice tugs away Zayn’s attention from him and he shuffles over towards the counter, arms stretching out for a hug. Julian, the owner, doesn't look any different, except his long brown hair is pulled back into a bun instead of hanging around his shoulders. His sweater is thick because the heating has always been shit in this place, and his beard even thicker like he forgot No Shave November came to an end.

“Been waiting to get your album in stock, bro. Did you forget about us?”

Zayn flushes, hiding his cheeks against Julian’s as he pulls him in. He had come here to see Julian, to see if he was hiring. Something for Zayn to do until he decided if he should get another venue gig or go back to school, which he has been struggling with doing. But now he just wants to cross the store and sink into Liam’s side. “Never.”

Julian pats his cheek quickly as he pulls back, brows raised. “So how was it? Los Angeles?”

“Sick,” Zayn lies easily. Well it was, he just hated it. “Just missed it here.”

Julian rolls his eyes as he snorts, leaning back some because he has always been quite dramatic. “Crap, dude. This place is shit.”

Zayn shrugs carelessly, his grin growing. Julian is one to talk, since he isn’t even from around here yet refuses to leave. “I reckon I fancy it a bit. I was just um, thinking about getting a job here part time if you’re like, hiring or summat.”

Julian’s face crumples in disbelief, the amusement clear in his eyes and Zayn shakes his head, taking a step back because he knows what Julian is going to say and he doesn’t want to talk about it.

It is understandable, though, people's reactions. Who dreams as big as he does and then turns down the chance to achieve it, every single time the chance is offered to him?

“I mean, sure yeah - anything for you, dude. Though, I don’t know _why_ -”

“Thanks,” Zayn says before he can continue, clapping him hard on the back. “We’ll talk, yeah?”

There is an uneasy feeling creeping into his stomach, and his mind tugs him across the room, where he knows there are fingertips that can soothe away any discomfort. Even if they don’t touch him. He is just as nervous about telling Liam about shooting down the chance to live his dream, because it had been Liam’s dream -

And the reason they broke up.

Liam's eyes are on him as he comes over, a soft smile on his lips as he takes the headphones off and hangs them around his neck. It comforts him immediately, settling a feeling into his chest that he hadn’t thought he would feel ever again.

“Hey, funny meeting you here,” Liam says softly, the corner of his eyes crinkling deeply as he smiles.

“Why’s that?” Zayn wonders, cocking his head to the side. The first time he had come to this place, all he had thought about was Liam - how much he would like it. How they could probably just spend hours here together, listening to old RNB tracks. How Liam would like the homey feel of the place, and how friendly everyone that works here is.

“Nothing,” Liam murmurs, cheeks highlighted pink as Zayn reaches for the headphones in his hands. His cheeks only redden more as he brings them to his ears to hear what Liam had been listening to.

 _I know you haven't made your mind up yet,_  
But I will never do you wrong.  
I've known it from the moment that we met,  
No doubt in my mind where you belong.

Zayn bites around his grin as he looks at Liam’s soft expression. He has sung this song to him before, one morning after a long night of talking about heartbreak and past love, with Liam grumpy and unwilling to disentangle himself from Zayn and his bed. Liam was always a bit cut off after opening up, and Zayn had just been learning that, learning how to comfort him through it.

“I like this song,” Zayn says quietly after a few moments, handing him back the headphones, his chest tight after ‘ _I could make you happy, make your dreams come true_ ’ hits too close to home.

Liam nods, settling the headphones around his neck. “It used to be my favorite song.”

“Used to?”

Liam's brows push together as he laughs in embarrassment, cheeks flaming a pretty red color. “Yeah, um. Maybe sometime I'll show you my new favorite. If that is okay.”

Something curls in Zayn’s belly, making him uneasy. He doesn't want to hear his song with Sophia, and by the flash of a nervous grimace that takes over Liam’s face for barely a second, Zayn knows that is why it is his new favorite.

“I meant what I said the other night, about wanting to see more of you. Like, if that is something that would be okay with you.”

Zayn nods, stepping a bit closer to him. He has dialed Liam’s number a thousand times since then, trying to think of something for them to do before locking his phone and tossing it aside. The only thing he wants to do with Liam is imprint his feelings for him onto his skin, and he _can’t_.

“David is performing tomorrow,” Zayn murmurs, tilting his head. He wonders if David bothers Liam even half as much as Sophia bothers him, though he knows she is probably nice or whatever. He can’t see Liam with someone whose heart isn’t the same size as his. “I planned on stopping by. Will you be there?”

Liam's face hardens for a moment before he nods, tucking a finger under Zayn’s chin quickly. “Yeah, I'll be there.”

+*

 _Hello, how are you_  
It's so typical of me to talk about myself I'm sorry  
I hope that you're well  
Did you ever make it out of that town where nothing ever happened

_Zayn eyes the words scribbled on the paper, a tune sounding in his head but his mind goes blank after a few moments. It had came in the mail this morning, though Zayn isn't sure if Liam has his address. Harry just makes sure it always finds him, anyway._

_It had been incomplete, a few verses scribbled down and Zayn has tried adding some, needing one more song before he releases his EP but he can't think of anything.. The words have been too hard to find lately. He stares at his handwriting, scribbled over Liam’s as he tries to put their feelings together._

_He cringes, reading the words, imagining how Liam looked while he had written them. How often he used to apologize when he would take over the conversation, though Zayn never minded. He could listen to Liam talk about anything for hours, entranced by the way his lips moved as he spoke, interested in whatever it is that was going through his head. Wanting to be the person Liam could always talk to, without any fear of pushing Zayn away with his words._

_Zayn drags the tip of his pencil across the paper, scratching out a few words when they don’t flow properly in his thoughts. He isn’t sure if Liam meant Wolver-Hampton as the town where nothing ever happened, or if he knows he is Los Angeles, the farthest place he could go to get away._

_I'm in California dreaming about who we used to be_  
When we were younger and free  
I've forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

 

“So what happened in Los Angeles?”

Liam watches Zayn sink back against the bar, eyes on the stage as he watches David dance around it, his voice echoing through the room. It is a fun crowd tonight, the younger weekend club crowd and it is nice having them here, dancing around and busying up the bar.

“Hm?” Zayn asks, tugging his eyes away from David and frowning at him. He looks so soft under the dim lights, his hair in a loose quiff and his sweater bunched around his wrists. A sweater of Liam’s - he recognizes it, but he won't say anything because it makes something sweet swell in his chest seeing Zayn wear it and he doesn't want to scare Zayn off by saying so.

Even if they are just friends, as hard as that seems to be because he can't control the craving for small touches, he just wants Zayn in his life somehow. Any way he can have him, and he doesn't want to mess it up this time.

“I reckon it didn't go so well if you're searching for a job at Julian's,” Liam explains, grimacing at himself because he sounds rude. “I just mean, I don't understand why. Your voice - you know. Sorry.”

Zayn tucks his fingers through his hair, shrugging slightly. “Don't apologize. I just didn’t want to get stuck there, y’know. Missed my family.”

“I understand,” Liam responds softly. He wants to cup the other man’s cheek, rub a thumb against his skin to ease away the uncomfortable look that tells Liam he doesn't want to talk about it. “How are they?”

“Good,” Zayn says, brightening instantly. Liam used to listen to him talk about them for hours, entranced by the happiness in his face and the way his love for them poured out whenever he did. “Real good. I haven't seen them since I came back, but I want to visit them soon.”

Liam misses them, but he doesn't say so. He shouldn't say what else he is thinking but he does, a glutton for punishment - he swears.

“Do they like um -” He nudges his head towards the stage where David is, bending forward with the mic clasped between his hands.

He regrets the moment the words pass his lips, because of course they like David. Zayn used to joke, though he had been serious, about how he probably couldn't be with him if his family disapproved of him, even though Zayn always assured him that they would love him just as much as Zayn used to.

“Oh,” Zayn mumbles, looking away from Liam but he doesn't miss the way that uncomfortable look takes over his face again. “Well, they haven't met him yet but I dunno. I'm sure they will.”

Liam stares at him, frowning. It doesn't quite make sense, Zayn agreeing to marry someone who has yet to meet his parents. But Liam reminds himself of what David implied a few days before, about the two of them not being together that long.

“I'm sure they will,” Liam murmurs distractedly, sipping at his water as he turns towards the stage.

Zayn shifts closer, nudging his shoulder against Liam’s. When he turns back, the other lad just gives him a soft smile and the closeness lets Liam see the warmth in his expression.

“Safaa told me you call sometimes.”

Liam feels the flush take over his skin as he nods. “Sorry er - if that's not okay.”

“No,” Zayn interrupts, eyes widening frantically. His hand presses against Liam’s belly, a habit that he doesn't even notice probably, but Liam can't pull his attention away from it. “No, it is definitely okay. She was quite upset um - I mean, you two were quite close.”

“My favorite Malik,” Liam teases easily, elbowing him playfully in the side. Zayn’s fingers press a little more into his belly as Zayn’s nose wrinkles, eyes squinting as he laughs.

“Hey,” Zayn pouts. “I always thought I was.”

“Second place,” Liam jokes back, tucking a finger under his chin. It would be easy, dragging their lips together. Zayn’s are pouted, slick from running a tongue over them and it is dark enough around them -

Liam stills where his head has ducked forward some, dropping his finger from Zayn’s skin as he remembers that Zayn’s fiancee is on the stage on the other side of the room. Zayn stares at him, brows pushing together.

Liam taps the headset he wears, though no one has called him. “Sorry, I gotta go. But help yourself to a drink, yeah? Put it on my tab.”

He tries his hardest to sound platonic, casual, and not like his heart is threatening to choke him before he scurries off.

+*

_“Happy?” Liam grunts, resting the too heavy tree against the living room before he wipes his hands off against his jeans. His skin feels raw from the cold, his muscles ache, but a smile still tugs at his lips as he turns to face Zayn._

_Zayn bites around his cocky looking grin, brow quirked as he nods. He comes closer, palms pressing to Liam’s cheeks, rubbing the cold away from them. “I love it.”_

_“You wanted us to cut our own tree, why again?”_

_Zayn wrinkles his nose, skin just as red as Liam’s. He rubs a thumb against Liam’s sweaty brow. “Wanted to see you sweat.”_

_Liam rolls his eyes, curling his arms around Zayn’s waist to tug him closer. He is a little shit, and Liam is quite in love with him for it. “You owe me a massage then. My muscles hurt.”_

_“Deal,” Zayn murmurs, dragging a thumb against Liam’s bottom lip. He tilts his head up, and Liam follows his sight, warming over when he spots a mistletoe hanging a few feet away from him._

_Zayn drags him over to it, chuckling as he does so. “Oops, look what we have stumbled underneath.”_

_Liam rolls his eyes, as Zayn tugs him closer by the jaw. He had spent the last night of November hanging them up everywhere he could. And he has kissed Zayn every single time they have stumbled underneath one. “Guess we gotta kiss or summat.”_

_“I guess so,,” Zayn whispers quietly before slotting their lips together._

 

Liam huffs out as he pushes up from the floor. It had been difficult getting the screws into the trunk of the tree, and he had been rushing - because he had been completely uncaring about getting a Christmas tree  until now, a few days before Christmas.

His sister had let it slip that his family was coming down to surprise him before he could head up towards Wolver-Hampon like he had planned, and Liam knows it is because she knows how awful he is at decorating. He has spent the whole morning trying to get ready for them coming tomorrow, pinning garland around the top of the walls, though more tacks have fallen out then stayed in. He only has about five ornaments, and his Christmas lights are long enough to cover at least _half_ of the three.

“Fuck,” Liam murmurs, eyeing the way the tree tilts to the right. _Fuck it_ , he thinks, holding his hips before turning around and digging through the small box of tree decorations. He is thankful that shopping for gifts had been a lot easier than shopping for decorations, and that he had already done that a few weeks ago. They have always been easy to shop for, because his mother gets teary eyed over _anything_ , really -

It takes him only a few minutes to dress the tree, and he thinks about how Zayn used to be so fussy about where the ornaments go, how there couldn’t be empty spots (even on the back of the tree that no one could see), or too crowded. How he would take over with a fake irritated sigh, telling Liam to make the hot chocolate instead because he was never much help when it came to decorating.

And afterwards, Liam used to make him sing every Christmas song he could think of, dragging their feet across the carpet in a half ass attempt in slow dancing because it always made Zayn giggle so brightly.

His phone ringing drags him away from his thoughts, the smile on his lips slipping away as he rushes over. He has been waiting for Zayn to call and he hasn’t, and he wants to make sure he doesn’t miss it.

It is a number he doesn’t recognize, and his heart jumps into his throat when he answers the call. But it isn’t Zayn’s voice he gets, but David’s.

“Hey,” David says, a bit nervous sounding.

Liam slumps down onto the couch, sighing quietly to himself as he drags a palm down his face. “Hey, what’s happenin’?”

“I’m scheduled to perform on the Wednesday before Christmas,” David starts. Liam watches his fingers play with the fabric of his jeans, wishing he didn’t feel so uncomfortable every time he speaks to his coworker. That his mind didn’t mess with him, and make him think about how they could be decorating their home together, making those sugar cookies that Zayn always obsesses over during the holiday season together. “But I’m leaving that day to see me Gram. With um, my family for the holidays.”

“Okay,” Liam mutters, frowning. His mind runs with whom they can have replace him. They are usually closed that day according to Paddy, but he had booked the night for someone. Liam doesn’t know who, since Paddy won’t tell him - but he had never seen his boss as excited as he had been when he told Liam that he needs to come into work that night. “That is in two nights mate, I don’t know if we can get anyone to cover you by then.”

He hears David huff out before whispering something he can’t make out, like the man has moved away from the phone to speak to someone else. Liam closes his eyes, inhaling deeply. The whole house smells like his Christmas spice candles, the ones that tickle his nose but Zayn had burned them every Christmas and it feels wrong not to have them now, as he puts up the tree.

“Hold on,” David says, louder like his mouth is back to being near the receiver. “Here is Zayn.”

Liam bites hard on his cheek as he hears Zayn’s soft voice, which he hadn't been expecting. “Hey um, Liam.”

“Hey,” Liam says back softly, the word _babe_ at the tip of his tongue but he swallows it down. It feels spiteful again, like he only wants to say it because David is near Zayn. He hates feeling possessive, because it is his fault he isn’t allowed to be anymore. He spends too often feeling that jealousy that comes along with the thoughts of them together, ones he wishes he could stop. “What’s up?”

“Are you working that night?” Zayn asks after a long moment. “The night David needs off?”

His voice is hushed and quiet like he is whispering and Liam frowns, tugging his knees up to his chest. “Yeah, why?”

“I could um. Well, I can work it if you can’t find anyone else.”

“You’re not spending the holidays with David?”

The sound Zayn makes is audible though quiet, just a sharp inhale before he goes silent for a long moment.

“No. So just let me know, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Liam murmurs, smiling fondly. He is sick really, for being pleased by that. “Yeah, alright.”

+*

_Liam tries his best to keep the grimace off of his face as he pulls on the scratchy sweater, covered in red and green bulbs and snowflakes. His mother loves it, palms to his cheeks and going overboard about how adorable he looks in it._

_And Zayn giggles quietly beside him, nose wrinkled and tongue pressed behind his teeth. He has a fine looking one on, a simple red with some snowflakes and a Z in between them. Nowhere near as gaudy as Liam’s._

_Because his mother loves Zayn more than him, he swears._

_He doesn't have to try after to be put off as they shuffle into Liam’s old bedroom, calling it a night when his father falls asleep in the arm chair after too much eggnog, just like every year._

_“But you look fit,” Zayn whispers, a grin on his lips as he teases his fingers underneath the material._

_His fingers are warm, soothing against the tickle from the scratchy material that still lingers on his skin._

_Liam slides his fingers underneath his jaw, tilting Zayn's head enough so their lips are level. “You didn't have to put yours on.”_

_“I like it,” Zayn promises quietly, his smile warmer. “Makes me feel like family.”_

_Liam sucks in a breath, thumbing at Zayn’s bottom lip. “You are. She makes one for all of her kids.”_

 

Liam smiles softly, watching the way his mother fusses about in the kitchen with Ruth, who insists on helping even though they tend to bicker quite a lot when cooking together. His mum had practically wrangled the Christmas sweater onto him after he had opened it, and he doesn't mind the material as much this time.

It is nicer too, red and green stripes with no gaudy decorations, and a small _L_ stitched onto the chest. Normally he opens it on Christmas morning, but his mother had been excited to give it to him early.

“Honey, that is - _Ruth_!”

His mother plants a hand to her hip as she stares at her daughter, frowning before she takes the empty bottle of cognac from her. “That is far too much, your father will be asleep before dinner.”

Ruth giggles, making eye contact with Liam and he knows she has poured the rest of the bottle in the batch on purpose. “Make another for Pop. This one is for us.”

Karen rolls her eyes as she drops the bottle into the garbage. She pats Liam on the cheek when she comes over, smiling warmly.

“Go get Mummy some more stuff to make eggnog, yeah? Do you need me to write you a list?”

“No,” Liam chuckles, pecking a kiss to her cheek before he pushes away from the kitchen counter. “Just buy a carton right -”

Karen frowns at him, swatting his arm. “Don't you dare.”

 

Liam slows as he passes by the record store which is on the way to the market, tapping his fingers against the steering wheel in contemplation before he pulls off. He wants to stop in, to see if he is working - just to see him, really, but to also take him up on his offer of performing.

He hasn't had time to ask Paddy about it, though he is sure his boss would be overjoyed about it. Constantly ranting and raving about how great Zayn is, and Liam agrees. He would do anything to be able to watch Zayn perform again.

It is hard not to show how much he loves Zayn's voice when Paddy goes on about it, and he knows Paddy sees through him - always elbowing him in the side and laughing about how much he knows Liam loves him too.

He has no _idea_ -

Liam sighs as he pulls into the market parking lot. Maybe he could stop in and pretend to look for old Christmas albums, even though Zayn knows he owns an extensive collection of Christmas music already. He has been stopping into the record store as much as possible, just to get a glimpse of Zayn putting away records or checking customers out. He feels a bit like a creep, but it is worth it when Zayn gives him a small smile every time.

Liam grins as he shuffles into the store, his heart thumping in his chest as he thinks about Zayn singing holiday music in front of everyone. He'd be shy, flushed cheeks and a nervous grin -

Liam’s grin grows as he spots the raven colored hair, tipped in silver making its way down the candy aisle. His sweater is loose around his shoulders, hanging a lot past his waist and the sleeves falling down to his elbows as he reaches for a bag of tropical starburst.

Him being at the market feels like something, something he had tried not to think too hard about but he always fails. They keep running into each other, everywhere they go, their lives still intertwined through David and Sophia, The Wolf Den and Paddy -

Liam tries not to think about how maybe the universe is trying to pull them back together, but he _fails_ -

“Zayn!”

Zayn looks over his shoulder, a smile tugging at his lips instantly before he tosses the bag of starbursts into his carriage.

“Hey,” Liam says, jogging over after he grabs a basket. The warm air of the store makes his cold cheeks tingle, and he cups his elbows to keep himself from shivering, and from wrapping his arm around Zayn’s shoulders like he wants to. “I was just thinking about stopping by to see you at the record store.”

He chuckles but Zayn doesn't return it, only smiles more as he raises his brows. “I don't work today.”

“Right,” Liam huffs out. He feels like energy is coursing through him, a happy energy that makes him want to bounce on his toes and he swears it is only because Zayn is right in front of him. “Well um, I wanted to take you up on your offer um - if you wanted to perform at the Wolf Den, I know Paddy would love that.”

“And you?” Zayn asks without skipping a beat, tilting his head some as he looks at Liam.

Liam bites down on his bottom lip, feeling his face flush like they are meeting again for the first time. He remembers how nervous he had been the first time they had gone on a proper date, after Zayn had called him a few nights after seeing each other at the club.

He had tried to be the epitome of cool, though he is sure he had failed.

“ _I'm glad you wanted to come out with me.”_

_Liam wipes his sweaty palms down his jeans underneath the table, eyeing the flush in Zayn’s cheeks as he drags his fingers over and over again through his hair. His heart pounds in his chest, and he hopes Zayn likes him as much as he seemed to at the club here, where the lights are brighter._

_“‘Cause like, been thinking about you or whatever.”_

_Liam grimaces at himself, lips pressed tonight. He should just shut up, really, or he will end up telling Zayn about how much he actually has been thinking about him since they last saw each other, and how he has gotten off with a hand around himself and Zayn's name on his lips more times than he would like to think about._

_“Yeah?” Zayn murmurs, lips tugging up. “Been thinking about you too, or whatever.”_

_His foot knocks against Liam’s under the table. It is some burger joint that is a little nicer than McDonald's, but Zayn hadn't seemed to mind that it wasn't as fancy as most first dates should go._

_“Yeah? What about me?”_

_Zayn rolls his eyes, shifting back against his chair. “Actually, I haven't. What's your name again?”_

Zayn continues to look at him, unaware that Liam is once again thinking about how they used to be, but he doesn't let it damper the feeling he has being here with Zayn now, even if everything has changed.

“I want you to, if that's what you mean,” Liam admits quietly. “You know I like hearing you sing.”

Zayn fidgets with his beard, teeth digging at his bottom lip as his lips twitch upwards. “Alright then.”

Liam mirrors the smile that takes over his lip as he throws a bag of starbursts into his basket too. “I'll see you then, yeah? Gotta get me mum some stuff for eggnog, Ruth mucked up the last batch.”

Zayn chuckles, leaning towards him some like he wants to move closer but is stopping himself. “They're down for the holidays then?”

Liam nods. “Yeah, just got here today. Leaving the day after Christmas I reckon.”

He hesitates, still grinning at Zayn before he reaches out to tap his elbow. A friendly gesture he tells himself, nothing to do with the need he has to touch the other man.

“Are you going home for the holidays?”

Zayn shifts towards his hand even when Liam drops it, shaking his head. “No, I'll be here. Reckon I'll go home f’my birthday or summat.”

“Oh,” Liam murmurs, frowning at him. “Well, you're more than welcome to come ‘round my place. I know me mum will be over the moon to see you and um, yeah -”

He wants to say he knows Zayn doesn't like being alone, but his lips press together tightly instead. There is a sour feeling in his stomach at the idea of David leaving him alone for the holidays.

The smile doesn't leave Zayn's face but there is a hesitancy mixing in with the brightness in his eyes. “Yeah? I do miss her cooking.”

Liam chuckles, tucking his finger under Zayn’s chin as he tells him his address. He doesn't know what it means that Zayn doesn't pull away when he touches him, even tilts his head into it like he knew it is coming, and he wanted him to.

“Dinner will probably be at two, yeah? Just like every year. I hope to see you there.”

Zayn nods softly before they say their goodbyes and Liam watches him walk off, his heart burning into his throat.

+*

Zayn tucks his feet under his bum, settling against the cool window pane. It is windy outside, the naked trees blowing from side to side violently like their limbs may break off.

He said his goodbyes to David, though he isn't due to leave until the morning. He just doesn't want to see him, not when his thoughts are on Liam - worse than ever.

It is a dull ache in his chest, a ghost of one that he only feels if he focuses on it but remains hard to swallow down. He promised to see Liam on Christmas, but he hadn't thought to ask if Sophia would be there. It hurts thinking about her with his family, Karen probably fonding over her the way she had always done with him.

It hurts more than just thinking about Sophia and Liam together in general, which he always seems to do.

“Hello,” Zayn sings softly, tapping his pencil against the notepad settled on his knees. He wants to call Liam again, though he doesn't have anything to say. Casual talk, ask about his sisters, his job - anything. He just wants to hear the soothing sound of his voice, but he can't.

“It's me,” Zayn whispers quietly, reading the words etched onto the page, half Liam’s handwriting and half his own. The side of the paper is starting to tear from how often Zayn has opened to this page, just to stare blankly at it.

But it has been months and he thinks he has finally finished it, today as he sits here thinking about them -

He drags his pencil across the paper, scribbling out _but it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore_ before closing the book.

He tells himself he can handle it, Christmas dinner with them - and her. He wants Liam back in his life so badly that he _has_ to. He has thought about it more times than he would like to admit, Liam finding someone else - moving on unlike Zayn has been able to. He can handle it -

“Fuck,” Zayn whispers, pressing his palms to his eyes because he isn't going to let the tears building in his chest come out.

+*

Liam is a ball of nerves, pacing back and forth through the Wolf Den as he adjusts his headset over and over again. No one is here yet, other than the staff, though the doors are opening soon, and Christmas music plays softly overhead as the staff sets up the venue.

He still doesn't know who is coming, a song writer he has heard - a producer said someone else. A big name, apparently, and Liam feels like he should tell Zayn, because he looks just as nervous as Liam feels and he hasn't even heard the rumor yet.

He eyes Zayn on the stage, adjusting his ear piece as he fiddles with the microphone. Paddy had told him to sing what he pleases, no need for the Christmas theme. He had been rehearsing all day, before Liam had arrived, but Liam knows he doesn't need to. He will be amazing no matter what he does.

Zayn's face is darkened with his blush, eyes closed like he is thinking about whatever song he is going to sing, rocking back and forth some to the beat in his head. He wears a simple stone gray colored shirt, hair spiked around his head and showing off the tattoos scattered up his arms. Some of them new to Liam, extending from the mendhi over the back of his hand and wrist to his elbow, and Liam’s mind travels to thoughts of other new ones, possibly hidden underneath his clothes.

“Liam, my office please.”

Liam taps against his headset to tell Paddy he is coming as Zayn’s music starts to play around them. He knows this one - a song off of his EP.

 _With your loving_  
There ain't nothing  
That I can't adore

Paddy’s office is above the venue beside his, and the door is cracked enough that he can see that he isn't alone, but with a man Liam doesn't recognize.

They both turn to the door when he knocks before entering, the biggest smile on Paddy’s face as he reaches for Liam’s shoulder.

“Liam,” Paddy says, professional sounding but the excitement is clear in his voice as he tugs Liam in. “This is Malay Ho, from Bhamboo -”

“Oh my god,” Liam blurts, reaching a hand out to the man before Paddy can continue. “Sorry - just, I'm a huge fan mate.”

Malay laughs politely, shaking Liam’s hand. “It's alright, nice to meet you, Liam. Paddy’s right hand man, I hear?”

Liam nods modestly, taking his hand away. His mind races with excitement, and he wishes Zayn could be heard through Paddy’s sound proof walls, so Malay can hear. “Are you - is this the guest you were so hyped about?”

Paddy grins as Liam turns to him, nodding. “Malay is in the city for a bit, reached out to me to set up tonight about a week ago.”

“Practically begged me to come here tonight when he found out I was in the city actually,” Malay jokes with a laugh before looking back at Liam. “Says I'll have my mind blown by tonight's act. Paddy has never led me wrong, so we'll see.”

Liam frowns, glancing between the two of them as he tries to understand. Paddy gives him a guilty look, shaking his head before glancing at his watch.

He only knows of Malay because of Zayn, and his excitement extends to the other lad at the idea of them meeting.

“How about a drink? On the house.”

The lights have dimmed when they make their way downstairs, the stage empty though the floor fills as people file in. It is hard to miss how expensive everyone looks, suits and ties and nothing like their normal club night.

“Oh my god,” Liam asks, eyes skating over recognizable faces. From televisions and album covers stored on his iPod. “Is that John Leg -wait, and _Frank_ _Ocean_?”

Both Paddy and Malay laugh, and Paddy curls an arm around his shoulder, guiding him towards the bar.

“What really happened,” Paddy laughs in his ear. “Is that I contacted Malay when I heard he was around, told him we would throw together a welcome party of sorts, invite some people he has worked with. Get them to hear our boy.”

“Our boy,” Liam mutters, glancing back at the stage where Zayn walks out. “How did you know he would be here?”

Paddy tugs him towards the bar, patting a hand down on the surface to call the bartender over. “I didn't. I was going to ask him, but the way it worked out - fate for him to be here.”

Liam warms, nodding as the room fills with music. _Fate_ -

+*

“Hello, it's me,” Zayn starts, squeezing his fingers tightly around the microphone in front of him. “I was wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet.”

His heart pounds loudly in his chest. He hasn't sang this song live before, or much really and he is afraid of messing up. He sang it around his apartment the last few days, trying it out and perfecting the notes but he isn't a hundred percent confident with it, even though he has been working on the song for months. And it is hard to see the audience because of the bright lights shining down on him, but he swears he just saw someone who looked like John Legend -

“To go over everything,” he sings quietly. He wonders where Liam is - he had seem him before the lights had gone down, walking up the stairs towards the offices. He wonders if he will remember the lyrics he wrote, if he still feels them - cares that they have wracked through Zayn’s mind for months. “They say time’s supposed to heal ya, but I ain’t done much healing.”

+*

Liam watches on from the back of the club, hidden in the dark of the room. His chest swells with a fierce pride as he watches Zayn captivate everyone around him. His voice has grown, stronger and more powerful since the last time Liam has watched him live, all those months ago.

“I must have called a thousand times, to tell you I’m sorry -”

Liam sucks in a breath, digging his hands into his pockets. There is a tightness in his throat that he hates, because Zayn’s voice fills with the pain that Liam had felt. He doesn’t like to remember it, how desperate he had felt for Zayn to answer the phone, to pick up and listen to his apologies.

Zayn’s eyes flutter open as his face contorts, and Liam knows he has felt that pain too. Liam isn’t sure anymore who broke whose heart, but that both of them are broken.

“To tell you I’m sorry, for breaking your heart. But it don’t matter, it clearly doesn’t tear you apart anymore.”

Liam wonders what made him write that line. It hurts to think about, that Zayn ever doubted how much Liam has loved him, how much Liam has missed him. He doesn’t know how to put into words that he has had this hole in his heart since that day in March when he left Zayn, or when he had found out Zayn had moved a few months later, when Liam finally got it into his head he fucked up.

It took him too long to come to his senses, and he will spend as long as it takes to get Zayn to understand, to get Zayn back in between his arms and pressed against his chest like the way he has been craving for the past two years.

“He’s good,” Malay says, sliding up beside him with an impressed look on his face. “Paddy was right.”

Liam smiles softly, nodding. “Yeah,” he breathes. “The world is going to fall in love with him, I reckon.”

+*

“Holy shit.”

Zayn shakes in excitement, bouncing on his toes as he brings the cigarette to his lips. His face is lit up, eyes wide and bright. “Holy shit.”

There is a permanent smile on Liam’s face as he leans closer to where Zayn rests against his car, feeling that same energy flooding through his veins that he thinks Zayn feels.

“We just met Frank Ocean, dude.”

Liam huffs out a laugh, dragging his fingers through his hair like that will calm the buzz around them. He is excited about that but mostly Malay, who left Liam his number to have Zayn call him, his interest in Zayn more than apparent.

Malay, who has a studio in London so Zayn doesn't have to get stuck in Los Angeles like he had been afraid, close enough to his family - closer to Liam.

He just isn't sure how Zayn will take it, unsure of what had happened in Los Angeles, just aware that he had seemed too uncomfortable to talk about it.

“Sick,” Liam says in disbelief, not thinking about the way he holds his arms out for Zayn like a habit. “And Malay.”

He wants to ask about the song he sang, about the lyrics he recognizes as his own and the ones he has added, but he doesn't want to ruin the smile on his face again.

But Zayn doesn't hesitate to close the space between them, allowing Liam to tuck his crinkly eyed smile into his shoulder as he squeezes his arms around him, soaking in his warmth that is more imaginary than really there - because their cheeks are frost bitten from the cold air around them.

“I know, I think I'm in shock.”

Zayn squeezes back, tighter, the soft sound of his chuckle floating through the parking garage.

+*

_The air is crisp and cold, but his palm is warm where it clasps onto Liam’s. It is a simple date, a stroll through the park that is lit up with Christmas lights._

_“I have a question,” Liam mutters, nudging his shoulder against Zayn’s before he lets his hands go._

_Zayn's breath gets stuck in his throat as he eyes Liam’s warm smile, right before he falls to his knees._

_His mind races. They have only just moved into their apartment, a huge step in Zayn’s opinion but this -_

_“Will you, take me, Liam James Payne,” Liam starts, huffing out like he is overwhelmed. The seconds feels like hours before he speaks again. “To get curly fries.”_

_Zayn huffs out a laugh, punching Liam in the shoulder at the cocky grin on his lips. “I nearly had a heart attack, you dork.”_

_He clasps his hands around Liam’s neck as Liam’s hands go to his waist, lifting him easily as their laughs fill the night air._

_“When I do propose,” Liam chuckles, lips pressing to his jaw. “It will be extravagant babe. Just tell me when you are ready.”_

_Zayn presses his lips to Liam’s forehead, warming from his embrace. He wants to marry Liam, one day - he just isn't ready yet. “Maybe when we are twenty five or summat.”_

_Liam rolls his eyes. “I'll be counting down the days.”_

 

Zayn stares at the wooden door with the golden 20G hanging under the peephole, fist hovered over it. He can hear the muffled noise from inside, warming when he hears the distinct sound of Liam and Karen’s laugh.

He sucks in a huge breath, clutching the pecan pie he had brought to his chest before he finally knocks, the muffled noise disappearing after he does. It had taken him forever to get ready this morning, nervously jogging through the house trying on different sweaters and khakis, styling his hair this way and that like it all mattered. He is a little late, and he hopes he hadn’t made Liam think he wasn’t going to show up.

“Hey,” Liam greets with a smile that kind of knocks the wind from Zayn’s lungs as he opens the door. His eyes are practically closed from the force of it, lips stretched high and rounding his cheeks as he ushers Zayn in. “Happy Christmas.”

“Yeah, you too,” Zayn breathes, reaching forward to wipe a thumb across the powdered sugar collected at the corner of his lip. “Don’t tell me -”

Liam giggles slightly, chin tucking down towards his shoulder as he does so. “Sugar cookies, yeah. Pecan pie?”

Zayn bites around his grin, handing the pie to Liam. It is his and his mum’s favorite. “I figured your mum already cooked one.”

“Never too much pecan pie,” Liam jokes softly. Their fingers brush around the brim of the pie and it feels like Liam’s skin is on fire the way his touch burns. “I”ll put this in the refrig -”

“Zayn!”

Zayn is assaulted by soft hands cupping his cheeks, a crinkly eyed smile filling his vision before Karen is pressing a kiss to his forehead, Liam chuckling a few feet away from them. He wraps his arms around her, hugging her as tight as he can like he can make up for the last year and a half of missing hugs in one.

“Come on dear, you look famished,” Karen says, patting his cheeks before there are more arms snaking around him.

Zayn can't help but notice how quiet Liam is during dinner, though a smile remains on his face every time Zayn glances at him. Which is hard not to do, their knees constantly knocking underneath the table. He feels relieved that Sophia isn’t with them, but troubled by why she isn't.

But he tries not to think about it because Liam looks happy, laughing with him and his family and it is so nice Zayn forgets about the pain that has taken residence in his chest for awhile.

“No offense son,” Geoff starts, pointing his fork at Zayn. “Wicked voice you have but Liam, I'm hoping for something other than this one’s album for Christmas. I'll have to get a new cd case if I get anymore.”

Liam makes a strangled noise and when Zayn turns back to him, his face is tomato red, eyes wide and embarrassed. “That's um - bit of an exaggeration.”

“I have four,” Ruth says, pursing her lips at Liam.

“Me too,” Nicola adds.

“Together Geoff and I have seven? Honey? Or is it eight?”

Zayn chuckles fondly, cupping Liam’s thigh under the table to comfort him because he can feel the way his leg jitters nervously against his own. His chest expands with something warm and he squeezes Liam's thigh before removing his hand.

“I didn't know you knew about it.”

“Yeah,” Liam murmurs softly, looking at him for a long moment before looking back at his father. “And don't worry Pop, I got you something else along with the album.”

+*

It is strange, having Zayn in his apartment. Nice - really nice, and it makes Liam feel something he isn't sure he can put a name on as he gives him a tour, watching him look around like he is fascinated by his boring place. But it is a _good_ feeling.

A pair of ray ban clubmasters hang on his nose, his lips pouted some and Liam is kind of entranced by how warm he looks with his white hair and thick gray sweater, his beard coarse and thick where it coats his jaw.

Zayn slides his fingers against the Captain America movie poster on his wall, wrinkling his nose as he smiles softly.  “Remember when you refused to put this in the living room?”

Liam huffs out a laugh, leaning against the desk in his room as he watches Zayn. “Remember when you thought we were too old to have it in the bedroom?”

“We were,” Zayn teases, grinning as he drops his hand and moves to the bookshelf, filled with more CDs and notebooks than books. “Kind of hard to shag when you've got Steve staring at you.”

“I didn't think so. Made it better,” Liam jokes, earning a loud laugh from Zayn. “Twenty five isn't too old for the Cap yet.”

Zayn rolls his finger across the album titles, seemingly not hearing him. “That favorite song of yours? Care to show me now?”

Liam pushes up from the desk, pulling his cellphone out of his pocket as Zayn comes over.

He hands him the earphones on his desk before scrolling through his playlist. It is the only song that Zayn had sang without his lyrics, and though every one made his throat feel like it was closing, this one had been worse.

Because Zayn had been singing how he felt too, and he doesn't know if Zayn knows that. A symbol of how alike they are or something, Liam hasn't tried too hard to make sense of it, the way the two of them have always just fit so perfectly.

He watches the realization cross Zayn’s features as he smiles, head tilting to his side and eyes latched onto Liam’s and he can't look away.

 _I'll be waiting for you when you're ready to love me again,_  
I'll put my hands up,  
I'll do everything different,  
I'll be better to you,

“Why this one?” Zayn asks softly, knocking his toes against Liam’s.

Liam shrugs, nibbling at his bottom lip.

“Cause,” he mutters, tapping his foot back against Zayn’s. “Every other song has my lyrics in it, but this one. Yet you still wrote how I feel.”

Feel, not felt - and he hopes Zayn understands that.

Zayn's lips part before he snaps them closed, brows wrinkling as he nudges his head towards the phone. “I think you got a text.”

Liam glances down at the _we need to talk when you're free_ , shrugging again. “Just Sophia,” he says without thinking, clicking the lock button.

The change in Zayn's soft, warm expression is instant. His face hardens as he takes out the earphones and hands them back to Liam.

“I should probably go. It's getting late.”

Liam frowns, reaching to grab his elbow as he makes a move to leave. It is barely five. “You can't. You know Mum will ask you to sing.”

Zayn smiles but it doesn't reach his eyes, and Liam lets him go when he pulls away again. “I shouldn't have come Liam, but thank you for inviting me.”

Liam just watches him, watches the sad look in his eyes before he turns away and heads out of Liam’s bedroom. A million things run through his head but the only important thing is _don't let him go -_

Liam follows after him, finding him embracing his mum with quiet goodbyes before Liam can plead with him to stay. It had been nice, just relaxing with him and his family. He had forgotten it was supposed to be weird and of course, he had to go and muck it up -

“Drive safe, love. It’s starting to snow some.”

Zayn gives his mother a warm smile. “I will. Don't live too far, so I'll be home in no time.”

“I'll see you out,” Liam says before he can leave, practically tripping over his feet to get to Zayn before he can close the door.

“I'm sorry,” Liam blurts, closing the door behind him as Zayn makes his way down his front steps. “For making it weird.”

“You didn't,” Zayn chuckles, stopping on the last step before turning to him. Liam practically plasters himself to the door, like it can help keep him grounded because his heart is starting to pick up speed.

Snow collects at Zayn’s coat, wetting his glasses some as he looks up at Liam. “That was probably me, y’know. Thought I could handle being around you but -”

“You can't?” Liam asks before he can continue because it makes his heart throb painfully, the words ringing in his ears.

Zayn gives him a pained look, confused like he can't believe Liam just said what he did as he takes another step up the staircase.

“No,” he blurts before shaking his head. He drags his fingers through his hair, huffing out as he shrugs. “I want to tell you things and do things to you that I can't, because -”

He frowns again but Liam waits patiently, heart racing because he needs this - he needs Zayn to tell him how he feels, because Liam has no idea.

“Because of _Sophia_ or whatever, you're happy with her and I don't want to ruin that.”

Liam just stares at him, trying to make sense of what he is saying. He isn't unhappy with Sophia, he just isn't happy without Zayn. But he isn't the one getting _engaged_ -

“You mean because of David.”

Zayn’s brows scrunch together in confusion before his lips slap shut, eyes darting away from him.

"Do you love him?" Liam presses, taking a step closer to the edge because the guilty look on Zayn’s face makes the question pop into his head and he _needs_ to know now that the thought is in his head. "David?"

Zayn nods after a long moment while not looking at him. When he finally does, squinting up at him, the expression on his face is hard to read. "Yeah, but not like that."

He says it quietly, tilting his head at Liam like Liam is supposed to understand what that means.

"Like what?"

Zayn climbs up to the last step before pushing up on his toes, fingers reaching out to skate against Liam's cheek as his lips scratch against the other. "Like the way I love you."

He pulls away, eyes on Liam for a moment as his fingers warm against his skin before he pulls his hand away, tucking it into his coat pocket.

“See you, Liam.”

+*

Zayn balances a cigarette between his lips as he writes, huddled in the window of his bedroom to hide from the crisp outside air and the snow that falls heavily from the sky. He scribbles on the notepad, a mind full of words that easily pour out onto the paper.

_I will leave my heart at the door, I won't say a word_

“You sure you don't want to come out tonight?”

Zayn snaps his eyes away from the paper to look at David as he adjusts the cuffs of his dress shirt. He looks down at his own joggers and the loose plaid shirt that hangs off of his shoulders.

“No, but thank you.”

He is tired and grumpy and had spent the last week trying to avoid both David and Liam, running to hide in the back of the record store when he walks through the door, ignoring David’s calls because every time he sees his name, all he can think about is Liam.

David had insisted he come over today so they could talk, though they have done little of that as David has been getting ready to go out for the New Year and Zayn has been writing. David has seemed nervous, a bit on edge and Zayn feels the same.

He shifts the notepad off of his lap as David pads over. He clenches his jaw a bit, a worried look in his eye as he does up the other cuff.

Zayn frowns before reaching out to touch the metal wrapped around David’s finger - his ring finger. “What's that?”

“Hm?” David says as he looks at the back of his hands. He grimaces, shifting awkwardly on his feet as his lips part and close like he isn't sure what to say. “A ring.”

“Looks like a wedding band.”

His grimace worsens as he pulls the ring off, handing it to Zayn so he can see. “It's supposed to look like an engagement ring.”

Zayn frowns as he looks at the ring, a simple band with a diamond embedded into it. “What?”

“Don't like, be mad,” David says softly, an apologetic look on his face. “Remember what I said about wanting to make her think I was happy without her?”

“So you told her we were _engaged_?” Zayn says, harsher than he means too. He understands, he does, when he saw Liam he had wanted him to think he was happy too, like Liam was. Moved on, or whatever but this is different -

“I'm sorry,” David mumbles, taking the ring back from Zayn. Whatever he says gets muddled in his ears because all he can think about is Liam.

“Did you tell Liam that too?”

“What?” David grumbles, frowning at him.

Zayn shakes his head, fingers dragging through his hair as he stares at the other man. “I don't - um, I don't feel comfortable with that.”

David nods, stilling where he goes to slip the ring back onto his finger. He keeps it in his instead as he walks away from Zayn.

“It wasn't working anyway,” he says over his shoulder. “I don't want to pretend to be happy you know, I just want to be happy - be with her.”

Zayn just watches him shift through the items on his dresser, putting the ring away as he talks. Something uneasy fills him as he listens, a tight feeling wrapping around his throat.

“Might tell her, like tonight or summat.” David turns around, leaning back against the dresser as he looks back at him. “Kind of what I wanted to talk to you about, but I kept chickening out. Didn't want to hurt your feelings.”

Zayn settles back onto the windowsill, knees tucking to his chest as realization settles through him. “You're going to be with her tonight? And tell her that?”

David nods quietly.

Zayn peers at him, his jaw tensing as his heart thumps painfully like it is _his_ heart that is going to be heartbroken. “Is Liam going to be there?”

“What?” David blurts, frowning at him. “Obviously not. I'm not going to ask for her back with the bloke there.”

Zayn narrows his eyes, though he wants to press them closed and trap the tears he feels starting to build up. Angry, worried - he saw the way Sophia had looked at David, felt the love radiating off of her and he is afraid she is going to _leave_ Liam for someone else.

Something that always seems to cause Liam the most pain, to keep him sleepless most nights. The fear of being left, of not being good enough as someone else -

“You can't.”

David’s face softens as he comes over, palms pressing to Zayn’s cheeks. He wants to shove him off but he doesn't. His brain racks with confusing emotions and he just wants to be there to comfort Liam, or to keep him from feeling the pain in the first place.

“Zayn, you do make me happy. But it isn't the same. I know you know that.”

“I have to go,” Zayn blurts, a bit frantic like as he pushes past David’s hold on his cheeks. “I have somewhere to be.”

+*

Liam settles back against Sophia, allowing her fingers to rake wax through his hair. He talks as she listens, pouring out the crumpled feeling in his chest like she had done a few days ago, when she said they needed to talk.

Zayn still hasn't called and he knows Zayn is avoiding him, so he has stopped coming into the record store in attempt to talk to him about Christmas. Sophia doesn't want to be like they were, and even though they are still good being friends - Liam feels a little put off that he is alone, again. Not as good as _David_ for both Sophia and Zayn.

“Yeah, I never stopped loving him. Not even a little bit,” Liam mutters, watching where his fingers flex against his sweatpants. He wants to go out tonight, celebrate the New Year but he kind of just wants to stay in tonight too, rather than accidentally stumble across David and Zayn.

He should have told Zayn before he left on Christmas how he felt, but instead his voice had left him because he has been waiting so long to know if Zayn still loves him after everything he did. But he doesn't know now, what to do - if he should leave Zayn be like he wants or find him and make him understand that he doesn't love anyone the way he loves Zayn, either.

“And I can't tell if he has moved on, or not.”

Sophia sighs comfortingly, tugging a few strands of his hair so they should fall in front of his forehead. “At least he isn't wearing a wedding band like David.”

Liam grimaces, pushing up from where he sits in front of her instead of informing her that he probably is, though he can't remember if he has seen one on Zayn's finger or not. He likes to wear rings around his neck, sometimes.

“Does it make me a bad person,” Sophia mutters, unmoving from the chair as she watches Liam pad off towards his bathroom. “That I want him to forgive me, and leave his fiancée.”

Liam stiffens some, grimacing as he opens his bathroom door. He isn't sure what to say, because he feels the same - but he rather let David heal Zayn’s heart than him break it again, if that is what he needs.

And he doesn't want David to break Zayn’s heart, would never wish that on him.

“Um,” Liam starts, peeking at his hair in the mirror before grabbing the dress shirt hanging on the back of his bathroom door. Sophia is standing when he comes back into the living room, sliding on her jacket. “I reckon not?”

Sophia nods, a soft smile tugging at her lips as she presses a kiss to his cheekbone. “Thanks for listening Li.” She pads backwards, biting at her smile as she reaches for the door. “I'm going to meet up with him now, I'll tell you how it goes if I see you tonight, yeah?”

Liam can barely get out his ‘ _hold on_ ’ before she is scurrying out of the door excitedly, a bit overwhelmed and nervous looking too and he realizes what she means.

Liam gives up on the buttons of his shirt as he scrambles to find his cell phone, quickly dialing Harry’s number. He doesn't know what he is going to say to Zayn if Harry gives him his number, or if Zayn will even want to talk to him.

He just feels like he needs to tell Zayn what Sophia is going to do, because if the way David looks at her means anything, it isn't going to be good for Zayn.

“Leemo! I was just going to call -”

“Where is Zayn? Could you give me his number?”

“To see if you're home,” Harry goes on, dead panning. “He is on the way over to yours.”

Liam frowns at the phone, dread pouring through him and he is about to ask _why_ before another call comes through.

He doesn't recognize the number but his heart races like he knows, clicking the answer button without excusing himself from Harry.

“Liam, you answered.”

+*

Zayn isn't sure why he feels so sick, a sour feeling twisting in his belly and heart pumping so quickly it makes his head hurt. He knows he is probably overreacting, that he really doesn't know if Sophia is going to break Liam’s heart, but fuck - it hurts thinking he might have to go through it again. That he always has to go through it. He never understood why someone would want someone else other than Liam, whenever Liam would tell him about his past relationships.

“Fuck,” Zayn huffs out, a sob in his throat because he isn't sure how long Liam had had a broken heart because of him, and the guilt hits him like a brick, because he has never wanted to hurt Liam - and even after all of this time, he can't believe he did.

He eyes blur with the tears and he blinks quickly, because the dark sky and the way snow rushes down in front of him makes it hard to see the road in front of him. He doesn't even know if Liam is home, and he had asked Harry to give him a ring and find out but he should have just done it himself.

He just feels emotionally exhausted, done with feeling so off the last year and a half.

Zayn squeezes onto the steering wheel, steadying it as his tires jerk, slowing down some as he listens to his phone vibrate on the seat next to him. He ignores it, trying to focus on the road but all he can think about is Liam’s broken face that night they broke up - how he had begged him to stay, to not leave him and Zayn had just told him to go on -

Zayn barely gets the sob past his lips, face crunching with it as the steering wheel jerks roughly under his palms, tires screeching across the snow and salt as he runs off the road.

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully this will make you love me again ^_^

_Liam plants Zayn to the front door, fingers chasing his cheeks to drag him into a rough kiss. Adrenaline courses between them, hearts pounding and an excitement filling him that makes Liam feels like it is Christmas morning and he is seven, finally getting that bike he had been asking Santa for for years now._

_“Proud of you,” he exhales between kisses pecked to Zayn’s lips. Zayn giggles breathlessly, fingers chasing up Liam’s spine to keep their bodies stitched together. “I’m so proud of you, babe.”_

_Zayn pulls back, a happiness on his face that Liam swears he has never seen - and he thinks he has seen Zayn at his happiest. But he understands, he is a step closer to their dream coming true._

_“He told me I could be famous,” Zayn murmurs in disbelief, meaning Patrick or something - Liam can’t remember his name, only that he had offered Zayn a job after watching him perform earlier tonight. An actual job, something other than picking up gigs at the local, nobody music venues around Wolver-Hampton._

_“I tell you that all of the time,” Liam says softly, lips tugging up._

_Zayn rolls his eyes, but his lips stretch up further as his palms rub at Liam’s back. “Yeah, but I could make animal noises in the microphone for an hour and you’d tell me I deserve a Grammy for it.”_

_Liam’s cheeks warm as he plops a kiss to Zayn’s lips. He doesn’t deny it, because he is right - but Liam has always been blown away by how talented Zayn is. “You’re going to be great babe. A legend, up there with Frank Ocean.”_

_Zayn’s brow wrinkles as he barks out a laugh, squeezing Liam tighter. “We - you and I, we are going to be legends together.”_

_“You and I,” Liam repeats quietly, hovering his lips over Zayn’s as his heart twists in his chest._

_Zayn nods, sighing softly. “You’ll be right next to me when we accept that Grammy, babe. You have no choice, can’t do this without you.”_

_Liam smiles wide, pulling back to see the soft expression that takes over Zayn’s face. He knows he is already whirring with thoughts about the future after tonight, since the job offer is in London and Zayn is a worrier._

_He slides his palm across Zayn’s cheek, watching the way Zayn’s eyes flutter shut as he leans into it. “You won’t have to. Kinda can’t live without you babe.”_

 

Liam drives. Carefully, maybe - or at least he tries to. But it is a difficult thing to do when his heart hammers in his chest, which is threatening to fold in on itself as his mind races to the worst case scenario - what he is going to find when he gets to where he is going. And the urgency in him making him feel like he has to step on the foot pedal just a little harder.

He huffs out a harsh breath, clenching his fingers around the steering wheel as he remembers the frantic sound of Zayn’s voice before he hung up the phone, his words sobbed and barely understandable.

_“Liam, you answered -”_

_His voice is panicked, each word surrounded by a sob and Liam goes on alert, reaching for his jacket and keys before he can even ask Zayn what is wrong._

_“I got - I got into, my car - Liam, I need you to come get me. I - I already, called 999. I’m by the the - fuck, the bridge.”_

Liam tries to catch his breath the way he had instructed Zayn too as he started to panic, breath coming out sharp and it had only intensified Liam’s worry. It doesn’t work well when he skids to a stop, barely on the side of the road but he really doesn’t care when all of the flashing lights fill his vision, hard to see from farther away due to the storm around them.

_“Zayn, calm your breathing. Remember? Through your nose, then out of your mouth like we’ve practiced. Tell me if you are okay? I can’t understand -”_

_“Liam, I can’t. I can’t - I can’t breathe.”_

And Liam’s feet pound against the pavement before he can close his door, or even take the keys out of the ignition. He barely pays attention to Zayn’s car, the front of it shoved into a pile of snow off the side of the road because he looks long enough to see that Zayn isn’t inside of it. He sees the policeman and the fire truck, the ambulance and he goes for that, because he can’t see Zayn anywhere.

Panic courses through Liam, because Zayn had hung up the phone after that and Liam drove faster, hoping the bridge he thought Zayn meant was the right one. It is so hard to see with the way the snow falls down around them, pelting Liam in the shoulders and against his cheeks.

But he sees him, and the feeling that washes through him is too overpowering, making a gasped sob push past his lips as he runs over to him because as relieved as he feels, he won’t feel a hundred percent unless he can feel Zayn’s heartbeat under his palms.

He sits on the edge of the ambulance, his jacket covering his shoulders and a medic beside him, turned away from Zayn while talking to a police officer. His eyes are on his lap, fingers rubbing against each other.

“Zayn,” Liam gasps, relief coursing through him because he isn’t on a stretcher - he looks whole, unbroken though a mess really, eyes rimmed red and hair a wreck around his head, bottom lip swollen - more so than just from nibbling on it, but like he had bitten it too hard by the corner.

Zayn’s face contorts in pain, the back of his hand coming to wipe at his eyes as his other hand reaches for Liam, fisting into the sweater he wears when he is close enough to reach him.

Liam is gentle when he slides his fingers against Zayn’s cheeks, not sure if he is hurt anywhere but he just wants to plant his body against Zayn’s and keep him there forever, really.

“You’re okay?”

Zayn nods, lip trembling as his eyes fill with water before burying his face into Liam’s chest. He shakes, and all Liam can do is wrap his arms around him, fingers brushing through his hair as he tells him he is okay.

+*

“ _Do you know what the worst part about heartbreak is?”_

_Zayn hums, leaning farther back against Liam’s chest. He speaks softly, chin pressed to the top of Zayn’s head, fingers interlocked with his on Zayn's belly. They are supposed to stay up and bring in the New Year together, but Zayn feels like he could fall asleep at any moment. His eyes heavy and Liam’s heartbeat against his back like a lullaby._

_“The person you go to when you're hurt isn't there anymore, so you have to go through that pain alone. And it always feels like the worst kind of pain, at the time.”_

_Zayn rubs his thumb across the back of Liam’s knuckles. He doesn't sound sad, but casual and Zayn wants to know why he has been talking so much about it lately. He thinks it has something to do with how quickly the two of them have fallen into something serious - a more serious relationship than any of the other ones Zayn has had._

_And he hopes he is as reassuring as Liam needs to be when he tells Liam he isn't going to treat him like the ones in his past._

_“I hate being alone,” Zayn adds, shifting so he can look up at Liam where his head rests against the arm of his couch, but the angle is awkward and Liam doesn't loosen the grip he has around him. “So I understand. I'll always be there for you though babe, no matter what happens between us.”_

_Liam hums, lips pressing to the top of Zayn’s head. “Same to you, baby.”_

 

Liam leans against the doorway to his bedroom, nibbling at his bottom lip as he watches Zayn, hidden underneath the pile of blankets Liam had covered him with, because his skin had felt like ice when they had gotten to his place a few hours ago.

Liam pads over when Zayn fidgets. He places the cup of tea on his nightstand before sitting on the edge of the bed, hip against Zayn - who Liam realizes is just pretending to be asleep.

He drags the back of his fingers against his cheek, assuring that the blankets did their job on warming away the icy feeling to his skin before he speaks. “Got you some tea. Two sugars, like you like.”

Zayn peeks an eye open, resting his cheek into Liam’s palm for a long moment before he pushes up to a sitting position. Liam doesn’t let him grab for it when his body turns towards the nightstand, instead bringing his other hand to cup Zayn’s other cheek.

There is a cracking in his chest when he ducks forward to capture Zayn’s mouth with his own. A hard slot of the lips that lasts for only a moment; but Liam feels as if all of the feelings in his chest pour out through the touch of his lips, and he needs to relieve the worry, fear and pain in his chest because Zayn is _fine_ -

Not a scratch on him, car hardly damaged and when the medics had gotten there, he had been having a panic attack, and Liam understands - should have just known that because of how much fear he has for driving, but the moment Zayn said he couldn’t breathe, Liam thought he was living through his worst fears. Losing Zayn again.

“Sorry, I just,” Liam mumbles brokenly against his lips, but Zayn shakes his head, fingers digging into Liam’s cheeks to press their lips back roughly together before pulling away.

“You’re alright?” Liam asks, knocking their foreheads together just to savor the sound of Zayn’s breathing before he drops his hands away from Zayn to reach for his tea.

There is a flush in Zayn’s cheeks as he rubs his thumb against his bottom lip for a long moment before nodding and taking the tea from Liam. “Yeah. Just a bit shaken up. You know how afraid I am of um - driving.”

“And in the snow,” Liam mumbles, unable to pull his eyes away from him. “Harder to drive.”

Zayn nods again, flicking his eyes from the tea to him. “Yeah, thanks for um - thanks for answering.”

“Told you I would,” Liam says softly, cocking his head to the side as he tucks a finger under Zayn’s chin and smoothes his thumb across it. “I’m glad it was me you called.”

Zayn’s brows wrinkle as he nods, something in his eyes that Liam hasn’t seen directed towards him in a long time. “I wouldn’t have called anyone else.”

Liam drops his hand, looking into his lap because he isn’t sure what that means. “I was trying to get your number so I could call you before you called me. Funny, innit?”

Zayn raises his brows, settling his tea in his lap. “Really? I was on my way here.”

He admits it quietly, brows pushing together and a pained look crossing his features that Liam doesn’t understand. “Why?”

Zayn swallows, eyes watering again as he shakes his head. “I don’t want to tell you, actually.”

Liam hardens from the coldness that pours through him, something thick gathering in his throat that makes it hard to speak and he wants to tell Zayn he doesn't have to, because it is late and he is sure Zayn is exhausted. He feels like it is the conversation they need to have, but he doesn’t want to have it yet. But Zayn talks before he gets the chance to.

“I don’t want to see you with a broken heart again.”

Liam frowns, watching Zayn huff out, fingers flexing around his mug nervously like he wants to drag them through his hair. Liam swallows, reaching out to wipe away the tear that escapes down his cheek even though his chest cracks harder at the ideas he has running through his mind at what Zayn could mean.

Because the only thing that break Liam’s heart worse he refuses to believe, that Zayn has lost _all_ of the feelings he had had for him.

“I’ve had a broken heart for a long time, Zayn. It’s okay.”

It is Zayn that looks like he is suffering from a broken heart as he stares at him, and Liam softens a bit - knowing he might be, remembering how Sophia and David are probably together and Liam doesn’t know if Zayn knows - if he should even tell him right now.

“I think Sophia is going to leave you,” Zayn whispers so quietly that Liam has to strain his ears. It isn’t what he was expecting - thinking Zayn was going to say something about himself that would break Liam’s heart. “And I didn’t want you to be alone with a broken heart because you said that is the worst thing about having a broken heart. Being alone while going through it.”

Liam stares at him for a long moment before reaching for Zayn, tugging his fingers away from the mug so he can link their fingers, squeezing Zayn’s to comfort him. He barely remembers saying that, but it means a lot to him that Zayn remembers it.

“She can’t break my heart,” Liam promises. “Thank you for worrying about me, but it isn’t her heart to break. We’re just like? I don’t know how to explain it, but friends isn’t right but boyfriend and girlfriend isn’t right either. It is far from being right.”

“What?”

Zayn squeezes his fingers back, his face crumpling in confusion as he continues to stare at Liam. He just stares and it turns a bit awkward before Liam nods, swallowing down the sour taste in his mouth.

“I was trying to call you,” Liam starts quietly, furrowing his brows at Zayn because if he knew Sophia was going to leave him, surely he should be more preoccupied with the fact that Sophia is leaving him for _his_ fiancee. And that seems to be a bit easier to explain than how his relationship with Sophia works. “‘Cause Sophia was telling me about how she was going to tell David how she felt, and I figured - y’know, same as you. He was going to break your heart and that is the only thing that could break mine.”

_Other than you not loving me anymore_ , Liam thinks to himself, but he bites his lip before he can utter those words.

Zayn swallows, placing his mug on the nightstand as he curls his fingers tighter around Liam’s. There aren’t tears in his eyes anymore but he still looks pained as he tickles the pads of his fingers over Liam’s palm.

“I’m not engaged,” he says quietly. His lips press together, pouting out pensively before he speaks again. “He said that to make Sophia jealous, and Liam - I’m sorry, I didn’t know he said it. I wouldn’t have agreed to it and -”

Liam’s mind runs, whirling and twirling around in his head and nothing makes sense. “You’re not engaged,” he repeats flatly.

Zayn looks down at their hands, shaking his head. “No. I’m not engaged.”

Liam cups his cheek with his free hand, dragging Zayn’s gaze back up as he moves closer. “You weren’t planning on marrying David.”

Zayn huffs out, shaking his head. “I’ve never planned on marrying anyone other than you, Liam.”

Liam surges forward, his heart racing faster than it had before as their lips connect again. Zayn doesn’t skip a beat, fingers sliding around the back of Liam’s neck to drag him closer as their lips slot together.

“What do you mean,” Liam says between kisses, teeth scraping against Zayn’s more so than his lips and it is still perfect. His heart slowly stitching itself back together with every press of Zayn’s lips against his own.

“You should have known that,” Zayn grunts out roughly fingers tangling in the hair at the back of Liam’s head. “I wouldn’t marry someone I wasn’t in love with -”

Liam pushes forward, covering Zayn’s chest with his own as he guides Zayn backwards, fingers tugging in Liam’s hair. Liam plants his palms on the pillow, sucking Zayn’s bottom lip between his own until his words cut off and he whimpers quietly.

He can’t make sense of it, and he doesn’t want to - not yet. He just wants _Zayn_ and he is running at the thought that he had been wrong about not being able to have him again.

“Liam,” Zayn gasps, tilting his head into the pillows and Liam stops immediately because of his tone, lifting his body to pull away in case he read the situation wrong.

Zayn grips him harder, lips quirking up some.“No, there is just like four hundred blankets between us. I’ve been away from you too long, want to be as close as possible -”

Liam grins, plopping a kiss to Zayn’s parted lips before he moves off of him enough to tear the blankets away. He likes the way Zayn looks in his bed, legs spread out and fingers scratching at his belly through his sweater, eyes on Liam as he climbs back on top of him.

He runs his palm over Zayn’s forehead, elbow digging into the mattress to keep him propped up and fingers tickling across the silver of his hair before he brings their lips together. The slot of their lips is gentler this time as Liam savors the feel of Zayn’s lips dragging against his own. They are a bit chapped from the cold, but Liam flicks his tongue out to run across them before nibbling on the bottom.

Zayn sighs out a breath every time their lips break apart, never lasting more than a beat before they are on each other again. He savors each one of those too, and the way his fingers feel, rubbing at his skin at the low of his back, trailing down his side and tracing against his belly, underneath his shirt.

Liam presses closer, until their bodies are completely stitched together, legs tangling as he kisses Zayn deeper, earning a rumble of a moan against his lips.

He flicks his tongue at the seam of them, tugging on Zayn’s hair gently when he parts them easily, allowing for Liam to curl his tongue behind his teeth. Zayn’s tongue is soft and gentle against his own, and it feels as if fire ripples down his spine every time Zayn’s tongue moves against his.

Zayn’s hand moves farther up his back, thumb at his spine before curling over his shoulder like he needs to be closer though it is impossible to be closer than they already are.

“Liam,” Zayn whispers hoarsely when Liam’s lips slide to his cheek. He wants to kiss every inch of Zayn’s skin if it is allowed. “You taste like pina colada.”

Liam freezes, looking down at him to see he is grinning up at him, eyes bright as he warms his hands up Liam’s back.

“Like our first kiss,” Zayn mumbles, face darkening with his blush.

_Our first chapter starting off like our second_ Liam thinks, but he pushes the thought away because he wants to enjoy having Zayn again, not think about if he will still in the morning.

“You made me taste like pina colada then,” Liam teases, ducking his head forward to mouth at Zayn’s lips. “Now let me make you taste like it, yeah?”

It is a struggle then, a rush between them to tangle off Zayn’s sweater, neither one of them wanting to break the way their lips are connected as they push down each pair of joggers, wrestling across the sheets until Liam is pining Zayn on top of them, hands wrapped around his wrists above their heads.

The first dirty press of their hips makes a moan break from Zayn’s throat and the sound ricochets through Liam, shooting straight between his legs. He has thought about the noises Zayn has made in bed more times than he would like to admit, but the way they make him feel when he experiences them is nothing his memory can recreate.

Zayn’s thighs tighten around his waist as he rolls his hips down against Liam again and again, his breathy moans filling the room the as Liam mouths at the tendons of his throat, tongue rolling over his Adam’s Apple before he tugs the skin into his mouth.

“Do you want,” Liam murmurs against his skin, pushing them up into a sitting position with ease. He feels too shy to say the words, even though he knows this is where they are going - if the way their pricks rub together is any indication.

“Yeah,” Zayn breathes out sharply.

Liam flips them then, resting Zayn on his back carefully before he leans over him, reaching into the nightstand.

“No lube?” Zayn teases, licking at his lips as he picks up the condom Liam throws at him. There is a sleepy look on his face even though his eyes are lit with the fire Liam feels crackling in his navel.

“Don’t have any,” Liam explains, leaning back over him to press a kiss to his nose.

Zayn pauses, brows crunching almost judgmentally as he looks up at Liam, fingering the edge of his briefs like he is debating whether or not to tug them off of him. “What? Mr. _you might as well glue my hand to my dick that is how often it is there_ doesn’t have lube?”

Liam barks out a laugh, falling closer to Zayn as his eyes clench shut, belly trembling with the force of his laughter. Zayn used to tease him all of the time how often he was horny, always touching Zayn and trying to drag him somewhere private - even at the most inappropriate times.

“Don’t like stroking off,” Liam murmurs, knocking his lips against Zayn’s. “Always think about you when I do.”

His intention was to be sweet or whatever, to indicate how often he thinks about Zayn but he feels the other lad tense underneath him, eyebrows scrunching together in concern as he looks up at him and fuck, Liam just keeps mucking up -

“Liam,” Zayn scolds softly, tilting his chin up to press their lips together.

“Sorry,” Liam murmurs nervously. “The words don’t come out right when you’re right in front of me.”

Zayn smiles gently, tapping his bum. “C’mon, on your belly, yeah?”

Liam groans at the force of arousal that curls in his belly as he rolls off of Zayn, Zayn's lips on his shoulder as he flattens against the mattress.

Zayn is gentle with him as he kisses across his shoulders, hands working down his sides as his lips fall lower, trailing down his spine. Every drag of his lips like a striker against his skin, setting off sparks.

Zayn shifts back onto his knees as he pulls the briefs down his hips, the air around them cooling the burn marks left from Zayn’s touch.

“Fuck,” Liam whispers quietly when Zayn slides his palms over his bum, spreading him gently.

“Ready for true romance?” Zayn murmurs, amusement in his voice before he makes a spitting sound.

Liam chuckles out hoarsely as the cool liquid slips between his cheeks, his heart expanding at the word _romance_ -

“What a gentleman,” Liam jokes hoarsely before Zayn drags a spit slicked finger between his cheeks.

Zayn stretches him slowly, working and curling his fingers past the rim in a maddeningly slow pace but Liam savors every touch though the coil in his belly urges him to tell Zayn to get on with it. He wants to hold onto every moment Zayn places his lips against his skin, how raw it feels afterwards from the scrape of his coarse beard.

“Tight babe,” Zayn murmurs, trailing kisses up his spine as he nudges a third finger in with the first two. Liam feels covered in sweat though he barely moves, only squirms across the sheets when Zayn nudges against that bundle of nerves.

“Been awhile,” Liam says tightly as the sting makes his body tense. His prick drags across the sheets, and he knows he could come like this if Zayn continues to scissor his fingers while his teeth work at his skin.

“Good,” Zayn breathes, rolling his teeth over the sore skin of his shoulder blade before kissing up the back of his neck.

Liam groans, turning his head but Zayn moves his face farther away, mouthing at the curve of his shoulder as he stretches his fingers apart, thrusting deeper.

“Come on,” Liam urges needily, wiggling his hips back. “Wanna make you feel good -”

Zayn moans quietly, ignoring Liam as he continues to work his fingers, shifting back again so the cool air touches Liam’s overheated back.

Liam pushes up onto his elbows, fucking back against Zayn's fingers to show him he is ready - he can take it, even if the sting hasn't faded. “Just want you, yeah? Missed it -”

Zayn chuckles softly, slipping his fingers from Liam after a long, torturous moment of keeping them still so Liam can ride them. “Me cock?”

“ _You_ ,” Liam corrects seriously, rolling onto his back clumsily. “All of you, not just your body.”

Liam sits up so he can touch Zayn’s belly, eyeing the way his fingers expand across his ink. “It _is_ a nice body.”

Zayn bites hard on his bottom lip, flushing down to his chest as he pushes forward, knees between pressing to the inside of his thighs.

He drops his eyes lower, at the way Zayn strains against his briefs, soaking through the material because he always gets so _wet_ like this and it has always driven Liam a bit crazy. The muscles of his thighs flex as Liam warms his hands across his skin, fingers tickling the band of his briefs.

“Hey,” Zayn says, touching under his chin to lift his gaze. “Eyes up here.”

His eyes are bright, mouth set in a crooked grin before he climbs onto Liam’s lap.

Liam drops his gaze again, this time to his chest and the _XII XII_ that stands out in blocky black ink over his heart. He tickles his lips over it, feeling Zayn’s nails scrape gently over his matching one as he sucks in a breath.

“Let me now,” Liam murmurs, looking up at him. He has missed this view, Zayn's long eyelashes spanning out as he looks down at him, arousal in his eyes but something else - something _more_. “Take care of you.”

“Okay,” Zayn breathes, nudging his lips against Liam’s before they slot together.

Liam curls his arms around Zayn to guide him onto his back slowly, nipping and sucking at his bottom lip and hoping it is purpled when they are done. He has never liked how easily Zayn has bruised, fretting over nasty looking ones that come from something as simple as knocking against a hard surface, but he has always loved when they have came from his lips.

He teases Zayn slowly like the other lad had done to him as he kisses across his chest, tongue rolling over the ink before dropping lower. He grazes his teeth over his perked nipple, earning a shattered breath from him and fingers sliding through his hair.

“Remember,” Liam starts, curling his fingers around the edge of his briefs as he eases them down, lips trailing across the thick hair under his belly button. “That one time you came with my mouth on your thighs? Wasn’t even touching you other than there?”

“Liam,” Zayn says sharply, tugging at his hair some. “Yes I remember.”

Liam moves lower, eyes fluttering shut when his cheek slides against the head of Zayn’s prick, which slaps wetly against his navel as Liam moves the material further down. “Want me to try that again?”

“No,” Zayn moans desperately and Liam shifts back onto his knees, quirking up a brow as he removes his briefs, the movement of Zayn's legs eager.

“No?”

Zayn nibbles on his bottom lip, fingers flexing against the sheets as he shakes his head. “Wanna be _in_ you, man.”

Liam groans quietly as he climbs back up Zayn, needing to kiss him again. He can feel Zayn searching for the condom, lost in the sheets as he kisses him deeper, tasting every moan that rolls from his tongue.

“Missed me bum?”

Zayn snorts, sliding his hands down his back to squeeze his bum. “What bum? This itty bitty -”

“Shut up,” Liam laughs, pulling up to a sitting position. He grabs the condom in Zayn’s fingers, wiggling his brow.

“Love your little bum,” Zayn says softly, moving his hands to his thighs.

Liam warms, looking down between them to hide the flush in his cheeks as he rips open the package. He tosses it before curling his fingers around Zayn’s length, Zayn’s words playing over and over in his head like a track on repeat. He could write books how how he feels about Zayn, a whole series just about the things he loves about him.

“They shall meet again,” he whispers as he rolls the condom Zayn’s length.

Zayn's head tilts back into the pillow as he barks out a laugh, pinching the sensitive skin of Liam's inner thigh.

“Fucking dork,” Zayn breathes as Liam grins at him. He positions himself properly, lining Zayn up between his cheeks before he leans back, sucking in a harsh breath before he rolls his hips down.

Liam bites hard on the inside of his cheek as Zayn’s fingers dig into his thighs. He can't take his eyes off of Zayn as he eases himself down, going as slow as he can though the tension in his back tells him to go faster, but also to stop from the way pain ripples up his spine.

“Okay?” Zayn breathes, brows scrunching together as he rubs at Liam’s muscles like he wants to ease the tension out of them. Liam nods, a moan pinching in his throat as he cups above Zayn’s hips to steady them.

“Y’sure,” Zayn breathes, curling his fingers around Liam’s prick, giving it a few strokes until he can feel how hard and heavy he is against Zayn’s palm again. It pours arousal through him as he bottoms out, legs trembling where they clench against Zayn’s hips.

“Never better,” Liam says tightly and he means it more than he realizes, he thinks. He leans forward until their chests nearly press together and Zayn doesn't hesitate to cup a hand around the back of his head to drag him closer, licking into his mouth like that is all Liam needs to calm down.

It is, really, and he soaks in the warmth that coats his skin every time Zayn’s tongue brushes against his own before he grinds back, adjusting himself before pulling back up.

Zayn keeps his hand firm on Liam’s head as he rolls his hips, fucking back down so slowly it makes his head spin with the way it feels - the way he stretches around Zayn and the way he feels pressed so deep, nestled between Liam’s cheeks.

“Fuck,” Liam groans, biting Zayn’s bottom lip. Zayn's moan is quieter as Liam pulls back up, just a rumble in his throat before Liam sinks back down.

It is quiet, the way they move together - their moans nothing more than breathy whispers, the slick sound of sex calmer and quieter than when they get rough, but Liam feels just as desperate for Zayn as he did during those moments together.

“Don't,” Liam groans when Zayn’s hips roll forward to meet his thrusts. He pushes up some, fingers pressing into chest as he moves faster, riding Zayn without grace because he feels close already, arousal flooding through him and his prick leaking out steady streams of precome where it bobs between his legs, an obscene wet sound mixing in with their breathing as the head slaps against his belly. “Let me -”

Zayn’s head tilts back against the pillows, fingers digging into Liam’s hips like he wants to take over but he doesn’t. He looks beautiful like this, skin slick with sweat and a blush burning down the column of his throat to his chest, lips parted though he makes little sound.

He fails at keeping his hips still after no time, stroking back into Liam, the slap of their skin louder than it had been before as Zayn's grip on him becomes tighter.

“Oh fuck,” Liam moans, hunching forward to mouth at the column of his throat. “Oh _fuck_ , Zayn -

“Again please,” Zayn huffs out, gripping the back of Liam’s thighs as he rabbits into him. “Fuck, Liam say my name again -”

Liam knocks his forehead against Zayn’s collarbone, trying to catch his breath because his lungs are threatening to collapse on him from the way his chest expands. The coil in his belly threatens to push him over the edge from Zayn's words, the way the head of his prick fucks against that bundle of nerve with every stroke. He moans Zayn’s name shamelessly against his skin, the sound rolling across the ink tatted there.

He bites down when he feels Zayn stiffen beneath him, hips rolling quick over Zayn’s prick as he pulls the skin into his mouth. Zayn is quiet when he comes, the sound muffled like his lips are pressed together.

“Holy fuck,” Zayn grunts out as he grips Liam’s bum, milking out his orgasm with slow strokes before pushing the both of them up.

He looks fucked out, eyes heavy as he breathes harshly. His reaches between Liam’s legs, fingers curling around his length as his other hand keeps firm on his bum.

“Close,” Liam whispers where he presses his lips on Zayn's forehead, bucking up into Zayn’s fist as the muscles in his belly clench and release, over and over again until the drag of Zayn’s thumb over the head pushes him over the edge.

Zayn returns the favor, biting down on the ink on his chest as Liam comes hot across his belly, louder than Zayn had been with the way he huffs out the other lad’s name.

“Oh, Zayn,” Liam whimpers, cupping Zayn’s chin roughly to drag his lips level with his. He shivers and trembles in his lap as Zayn pumps him slowly. “Zayn, Zayn.”

He has missed the taste of Zayn’s name and he doesn't stop saying it, whispering it quietly against his lips as he pushes him back down. Zayn huffs out like he is overwhelmed, palms pressing harshly to Liam’s cheeks to mute his words with the press of his lips.

Liam tries not to heavy his weight on top of Zayn as he eases off of his softening prick, but he _feels_ heavy, like his limbs are too hard to keep up - satiated and exhausted.

“Hold on,” Zayn murmurs when Liam tries to kiss him again. He rolls off of him, allowing Zayn to pull off the condom before he sits up.

Liam watches the way he pads out of the room, that relaxed feeling disappearing quickly and filling with nerves because he doesn't know what now. If Zayn wants to stay, if Liam should ask. If they can _cuddle_ -

“No bin in your room?” Zayn asks, brows furrowed and he looks amused as he walks back in. He looks like he belongs here and the feeling that comes with that makes Liam shift awkwardly across the sheets because he wants to tell Zayn so. “Messy boy, still?”

“Yeah,” Liam chuckles, breath catching in his lungs for a moment.

Relief washes through him though as Zayn climbs back onto the bed and over to him, pecking a kiss to the middle of his chest.

“Reckon you're the messy one with come all over you.”

Zayn huffs out a laugh, curling his arm around Liam’s middle as he presses closer. His eyes are warm as he wrinkles his nose at Liam, eyes squinting with his smile. “You'll just have to bathe me.”

He rests his head against Liam’s chest and Liam sighs, relaxing back against the pillows as he brushes his fingers through Zayn's hair.

“But in the morning,” Zayn mumbles tiredly.

Liam bites around his smile, nodding even though Zayn can't see him.

“Deal,” he says instead of the three words playing over and over again in his head.

+*

Liam doesn't want to wake up. He can't remember the last time he has felt this rested, having slept so well during the night. It isn't until he remembers why that he flicks his eyes open, reaching out across the sheets to find nothing there.

His heart sinks as he warms his palm over the sheets, still warm like Zayn hadn't left too long ago. The sun feels bright where it shines through his window and from what he can see, the ground is covered in even more snow than when he had brought Zayn home the night before.

He sighs, rolling onto his back as he stares up at the ceiling, trying to hold onto the memory of Zayn’s fingers against the skin before he pushes out of bed.

He is the type of well rested that feels like he could sleep more, exhausted as he shuffles out of his bedroom and towards the kitchen, needing a cup of something strong to help him deal with the emotions he knows is going to flood through him eventually.

Liam slows, eyes finding Zayn leaning against the kitchen counter, blowing at the top of the mug nestled between his palms before he looks up. The feeling in his chest from seeing him there chokes him, feeling too hard to swallow down.

“Hey,” Zayn murmurs, smiling softly. He nudges his head awkwardly towards the coffee pot. Liam's joggers hang loose from his hips, too low it is distracting. There is a scatter of bruises against his skin, mouth shaped and obscene looking over his chest. “Hope you don't mind. I didn't want to wake you.”

Liam shrugs awkwardly as he pads over. He wants to know what is okay - if he can kiss Zayn like he wants to. He always looks so soft in the morning, eyes sleepy and hair tousled over his forehead. His skin even seems somehow softer in the morning -

Zayn reaches out when he is close enough, the movement hesitant before he tickles his fingers against his belly. They are warm from the coffee and Liam takes that as an okay to at least stand right in front of him, hands pressing to the counter on each side of him.

“How's your sleep?”

“Better,” Liam murmurs as Zayn's head tilts up towards his, just enough that their lips hover over each other.

Zayn smoothes his hand across his navel before moving it to his spine, pressing Liam closer until he fits between his legs. There is a worried set to his brow that Liam shakes his head at before leaning forward.

He kisses Zayn softly, lips just a soft pressure - enough that he can taste the coffee on Zayn's lips before he pulls away.

“Thought you left.”

Zayn wrinkles his nose up at him, tongue poking out underneath his teeth. “I had them bring my car home, remember. Where could I have gone? You owe me a bath, remember?”

It is playful and Liam warms all over, a heater starting in his chest from the way Zayn looks at him - laughter in his eyes and a warmth in his smile before he presses their lips together again. He could kiss Zayn over and over for hours, and not get tired of it.

Zayn pulls away, brows raising as he presses his mug against Liam’s belly, warming his skin. “Want some?”

Liam gives him a crooked grin, winking both eyes at him as he warms his palms down his arms. “Hell yeah -”

Zayn snorts, rolling eyes as he shoves Liam away playfully. “I mean coffee, you donut.”

“Yes please,” Liam murmurs as he hears his phone ringing on the kitchen table where he had left it the night before, afraid the midnight calls would wake Zayn when he thought he had been sleeping.

He pecks a kiss to Zayn’s cheek as the other lad turns to grab a mug. “Happy New Years, by the way.”

“You too, babe.”

Liam frowns as he eyes Paddy’s name and the time, knowing it is too early for someone to be up when they went out to celebrate the night before - which he is sure Paddy had done. He keeps his eyes on Zayn as he answers the phone, watching the muscles in his back dance as he moves around, the soft smile he sends Liam over his shoulder, a shy look in his face before he looks away.

“Hey,” Liam greets, propping the phone between his shoulder and cheek as Zayn comes over with his coffee mug and Liam leans back against the counter, legs parting so Zayn can fit between them as he places the mug behind him. Zayn touches him softly, hands moving against his skin like he just needs to touch before he rests his cheek against Liam’s shoulder, chests stitching together.

“Guess who I ran into last night,” Paddy starts without greeting, voice excited. Liam curls an arm around Zayn’s shoulders, lips brushing against his hairline and he doesn’t get a chance to answer before Paddy continues. “Frank Ocean, mate. I guess him and Malay have been talking about your boy and Frank wants to work with him - like bad, man.”

Zayn stays still against his chest and Liam assumes he hasn’t heard as he moves his head away, grabbing the phone as he pulls Zayn closer. Excitement courses through him, but Paddy still doesn’t let him get a word in.

“Malay says he hasn’t heard from Zayn, so I’m not sure if you’ve passed on the message yet, Payno. But he wants to come ‘round to the Den again if you want to talk about Zayn performing again. Or if I can give Frank his number, he asked for it. Let me know, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Liam breathes, taking it all in and that draws Zayn’s attention as he looks up at him, brows furrowing. “Alright, thank you.”

Liam hangs up the phone, shoving it into the pocket of his joggers before he surges forward to knock his lips against Zayn’s. It is hard to maintain the excitement in him because Frank Ocean wants to work with Zayn -

“Babe, Liam - Liam,” Zayn chuckles against his lips as Liam continues to kiss him. “What is it?”

Liam exhales for a long moment before he pulls away, palms pressing against the sides of Zayn’s face. “After you performed, Malay wanted to get in contact with you but I wasn’t sure when to bring it up, or how to bring it up. And I guess Paddy ran into Frank, and he wants to work with you just as bad - “

The reaction Liam had been expecting isn’t what he gets. Instead, Zayn’s face falls - hardening considerably as he stops touching Liam, arms curling around his own stomach instead of Liam’s.

Zayn pulls away from him gently, looking awkward as he swallows. “Oh, cool.”

Liam frowns at him as he moves back to his cup of coffee silently, taking a sip before he turns back to Liam. “I should probably get going actually, I have um, I should make sure Harry survived last night’s partying.”

“What’s wrong?” Liam asks, pushing away from the counter. “ _Frank Ocean_ , babe.”

Zayn grimaces, lips pressing tightly together as he stares back at Liam. Liam tries to approach him but Zayn pushes his fingers against him like he doesn’t want him closer and he stiffens, halting his movements.

“I’m not interested, Liam. I really need to go -”

Liam grips onto his wrist lightly before he can move, confusion and panic making his heart rate because he can’t believe he keeps fucking up like this and he doesn’t understand _why_. “I thought you would be excited. Can you explain, please? Because I don’t understand, you dreamed of this -”

“You,” Zayn interrupts, frowning at him and there is a shake in his voice that is quiet but stands out like a sore thumb to Liam as Zayn pulls away from him. There is a rush in his movements as he grabs for Liam’s coat, hanging on the rack by the door. He even slips in Liam’s shoes, shaking his head like he is fighting off things in his head. “You dreamed of that Liam. I never imagined it a thing I could do until you put it into my head, and I wanted it - I wanted it so bad, not just because of you. But that kind of died away when you left me after I tried to go after it for us. Kind of lost the appeal, I guess.”

Liam stiffens at his words, arms falling to his sides as he gives up on trying to reach after Zayn. He feels like time slows as he watches Zayn reach for the door, opening it with a muffled _see you, Liam_.

+*

Zayn huffs out a breath, fingers clenching into at his sides before he turns around, staring back at the 20G on Liam’s door.

He isn't going to let this happen again, even if he feels like his heart is breaking again. He is too emotional for this right now, exhausted from the last couple days and the flux of emotions he has had. He wants what he felt with Liam last night and this morning again, and miscommunication had been their problem last night - he isn’t going to let it happen again.

He storms up the stairs as the front door opens and Liam is there, a serious expression on his face as he steps outside without his jacket, without his shirt and Zayn wants to shove him back inside but he stills.

“I need to say something,” Liam starts before Zayn can say anything. “And I need you to please listen.”

Zayn swallows down the tears that always come from confrontation as he nods, shoving his fists into Liam’s coat pockets. He feels the starbursts in there and he wonders if Liam eats them to think of him -

“You’re completely right,” Liam goes on after a moment, expression determined like he needs Zayn to understand every word he says. “I bite my nose off to spite my face, I left before you left me. That is how I do things, I always do things. I hurt myself before I can let someone else do it.”

Liam takes a step closer as Zayn does, their movements in sync like they are being drawn to each other. Which Zayn swears they are, ever since he came back to London and found how connected their lives happened to be.

“And I know it is confusing, because I want you to follow your dreams, I want to be right by your side while you do it and the moment I thought I wasn’t going to be, I decided it for myself and that wasn’t fair to you. I fucked up, I fucked up bad and I need you to know it was one of the worst mistakes of my life, leaving you.”

“Liam,” Zayn interrupts, voice soft because Liam’s voice cracks then and it is the worst sound he has ever heard.

“It took me too long to realize, Zayn and I’m promising you, I don’t care where you go - what you do when you get there, I will be right there the whole time, if you want me to be. I realized that is the only place I should be and you have no idea how sorry I am for not realizing that sooner.”

Zayn steps up the staircase, fingers pressing to Liam’s hips to usher him back. His heart expands in his chest, the tears he is trying to fight back forcing their way past his eyelids as he takes in Liam’s expression.

Liam cups his cheeks, his face breaking into something painful, reddening considerably as his eyes water, lip trembling as his fingers dig into the side of his face. “I’m sorry for breaking your heart Zayn, please let me fix it.”

The desperate way he says it breaks Zayn’s heart worse than ever and he can’t he help but nod, lost for words before he brings their lips together. Liam shivers, a soft sob trembling past his lips before Zayn ushers him back inside.

“It’s my fault too,” Zayn says quietly, warming his hands across Liam’s torso because the cold air outside has bitten red marks against his skin and he shivers as he moves him back into the warm inside of his apartment. “I shouldn’t have just let you think I would leave you. I know that it hurts you to think that and I should have tried harder to assure you -”

Liam shakes his head, cutting him off as he curls his arms around Zayn’s shoulders. “No, babe. I should have known there was no one safer to give my heart to. Please let me try to get yours back.”

Zayn moves his hands down to his neck, thumbing over his birthmark before he moves his hands to his chest, dragging a finger over the _XII XII_ inked there. “You never lost it, Liam.”

+*

Liam seats himself on the top of his desk, pressing the bluetooth against his ear as he giggles. He feels silly really, giddy like he is a teenager again, trying to chat up the cutest girl in school. He has been away from Zayn for about two hours, the two of them having kept hidden away in his apartment since New Years Eve. But Liam had to get into work eventually, as the club opened back up today.

“Babe,” Liam laughs loudly, eyes clenching shut as he rocks back. “Really with the waffle maker again.”

Zayn’s laugh warms through him and Liam imagines him padding around his apartment, going through everything like the nosy man he can be. Liam wonders if he has found his stash of EPs yet, or the notebooks of lyrics he had never sent.

“Jus’ sayin’, Li. It is way more necessary than that razor you have in your bathroom.”

Liam pushes off from the desk as there is a knock at the door before it cracks open, followed by David popping his head in with a serious set to his brow.

“I might trash ‘em actually -”

“Hey, I’ll call you back in a sec, yeah?”

Zayn stops talking for a moment before he hums. “Okay, yeah. You’re supposed to be working.”

Liam chuckles softly before he hangs up, looking to David. He doesn’t know if him and David have spoke. He has only spoke to Sophia once, asking if she was alright and that they should meet up soon and he had been too nervous to ask if David had told her about the fake engagement, knowing it would make her mad even if it made her feel a little better too. He has always known he couldn't make her happy, but he wants her to _be_ happy.

“Hey um, Happy New Year. Have a mo?”

“Yeah sure, um. You too, come in,” Liam murmurs awkwardly, moving around his desk and gesturing for David to sit in the seat in front of him. He looks nervous again, and he wonders if David will ever stop looking nervous around him, or if he will stop being uncomfortable having David around. “Have a good one?”

David shrugs, tickling his fingers against his legs. “Sophia and I um, got back together. Which I uh - guess you know.”

Liam nods, biting down at his bottom lip. He doesn’t say it in an unkind way, though slightly nervous. “It’s fine, mate. Like, no hard feelings or anything.”

David looks disbelieving as he leans back, eyes narrowing at him. “No hard feelings,” he starts, raising a brow. “Is that why you’ve taken me off the night Frank Ocean is going to be here?”

Liam frowns at him, stiffening some as he watches David pull out a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket before tossing it onto Liam’s desk. There is a hard set to David’s jaw, his eyes seemingly darker as he glares at Liam, all of that nervousness gone.

Liam doesn’t look at the schedule. Paddy had called him again yesterday, begging him to ask Zayn to perform again but he had been too nervous to, too unwilling to mess up again while he is trying to make it better between them. And it has been better, perfect like the last two years hadn’t happened - like they just met, giddy and unable to stop touching each other. Zayn has even talked about how fun it had been to record songs in Los Angeles, though he hasn’t spoken more about not wanting to be signed. He doesn’t need to, Liam understands now.

And it makes him feel even worse for what he has done, and even more determined to prove to Zayn that he isn't going to leave him again.

“That was Paddy’s work, mate. Nothing to do with me,” Liam explains, nodding towards the paper.

David taps against his throat, eyes dropping to Liam’s. “I see you moved on quickly.”

Liam lifts his left hand, wiggling his fingers. He knows it is petty, that they weren’t really engaged but he is getting irritated with David, even though he knows that David’s logic here makes sense - and that he would be irritated with himself too if he thought that he was missing out on a good opportunity out of someone else’s spite. “How easy was it breaking an engagement?”

David glares before pushing up from his seat. “Nice chatting with you. Catch ya around.”

Liam watches him leave, staring at the door he closes and itching to call Zayn back. He feels uneasy and he isn’t sure why - Zayn had explained to him David was like Sophia to him, a mutual comfort that hardly worked for either party.

And he should go out there and apologize, for being immature instead of like a boss like he is, even if he feels too stubborn to do so.

His door opens again as he reaches for his phone to call Zayn back, needing the sleepy drawl of his voice to calm the uneasiness in his stomach.

David looks at him sheepishly, hands tucking into his pocket. “I’m sorry, mate. I just - got a problem being too defensive and actin’ out because of it. It’s what caused the problems with Sophia and I love her mate, you know. I really don’t want there to be hard feelings between us because of it and I guess that wasn’t the proper way to assure that.”

Liam stands, reaching out a hand to David that he shakes firmly, nodding in understanding. “Don’t mess it up with her again, then. She’s a great girl.”

David grins, flashing his bright white teeth at Liam, tightening his grip around his hand. “Thank you for being there for her when I was too stubborn to be.”

“Same to you, mate.”

David’s brows furrow in confusion as he pulls his hand away and Liam’s hand goes straight to his chest, palm covering the tattoo like that it explains it even though he knows it doesn’t.

“Zayn. Messed it up with him, got too many problems to list.”

He doesn’t know if it is overstepping, if Zayn wants David to know about what they used to be - what he hopes they can be again. Realization crosses David’s face and he nods, shoving his hands back into his pockets.

“You’re the one then. Should have realized. Thought it was a bit weird the way you looked at my fiancee.”

Liam grins, shrugging awkwardly, the term _fiancee_ still making his stomach twist painfully. He wants to tell David he knows he has lied, but he feels like it would ruin this peace treaty they have come to - that it would be him being spiteful again and he really does want to work on that.

“Well,” David sighs, moving back towards the door. “If it makes you feel any better, he couldn’t ever love me ‘cause of you. And I hope whatever came between you works itself out. I want to see him happy.”

Liam nods in his direction. “I want that too.”

When David leaves Liam feels better, but he settles back in his chair, an urgency in him that makes him dial Zayn’s phone number quickly.

“Hey babe,” Zayn answers with a yawn, like he had fallen back asleep in that short period of time.

“I love you,” Liam blurts, clutching the phone to his ear. They haven’t said it yet, because Liam hadn’t wanted to move too fast, to scary Zayn off - but he doesn’t want Zayn to go a moment longer without knowing it.

Zayn is quiet for a long moment before he finally speaks. “I love you too, Liam.”

+*

Zayn snuggles back into Liam’s couch, feet tucked under his bum and fingers curled under the sleeves of Liam’s hoodie. He scans through Liam’s notebook, unsure if he was allowed to read them but the _To Zayn_ on the cover had made it hard to resist.

His heart hurts as he reads through Liam’s pain, too familiar to his own.

_No river is too wide or too deep for me to swim to you_  
Come whatever I'll be the shelter that won't let the rain come through  
Your love, it is my truth  
And I will always love you

Zayn closes the notebook when he hears the keys sounding from outside of Liam’s door and his heart jumps in his chest, eager to see Liam though they have only been apart for a few hours.

Liam smiles warmly when he walks in, shrugging off the coat he finally decided to wear before he comes over to him.

“Still here,” Liam states, climbing into his lap as Zayn tosses the notebook to the side. Liam's eyes follow it, and he doesn't look put off by it being there.

“Is that okay?”

A smile breaks across Liam’s face as he nods, fingers pressing under Zayn's chin. “I know we are still young babe, but I know I want you here for the rest of my life.”

He looks like he is teasing but Zayn can hear the seriousness in his tone as he looks up at Liam, hands flattening against Liam’s abdomen. “Twenty five isn't too young, babe. People are supposed to decide their life path earlier than that.”

Liam kisses him softly instead of responding and Zayn hopes he never gets used to the feeling in his chest from the gentle way Liam kisses him. It hurts in a good way, like that happiness that makes your throat close up from the force of it.

“I'll do it, by the way,” Zayn murmurs as Liam's lips shift to his throat, his head tilting into the back of the couch to let Liam explore his skin. “Call Malay, perform for Frank - whatever. But I'm not going to ask you to uproot the home you made here to come with me.”

He has been struggling with it since Liam had brought it up the other day. He wants to live the dream him and Liam had made, and he wants Liam there but he is fearful of what it could do to them, even though he tells himself that he knows Liam meant it when he said he would be by his side, no matter what.

“My home,” Liam says quietly, flattening his palm over the ink on Zayn’s chest. “Is here. And I'm never leaving it again.”

Zayn huffs out, the expand in his chest making it feel like his lungs are being crushed but he is a bit addicted to the feeling.

“Plus,” Liam grins, looking at the notebook beside them. “You and I, gonna be legends remember?”

Zayn snorts, tugging Liam close with his fingers tangled into his work shirt. “And the Grammy goes to, RNB sensation Zayn Malik and Liam Payne.”

Liam laughs loudly, smothering it against Zayn’s lips. “I like the sound of that, babe.”

Zayn quirks up a brow, leaning his head back against the couch as he plays with the material of Liam’s shirt. “Since our first album is Our Story, the next can be like - I dunno, the second chapter or summat.”

Liam grins, curling his arms behind Zayn’s head. “And our hit single will be what? Hello again?”

Zayn brightens, eyes widening. “Babe, that's perfect. I guess you _should_ stick around with ideas like that.”

Liam rolls his eyes, tucking his face against the curve of Zayn's throat. “I promise I will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is one more chapter! Which will be the epilogue. Thank you so much for reading and sending me all of the overwhelmingly amazing feedback! I love you all xoxoxo


	5. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really can't thank you enough for the amount of love I've gotten for this story! Thank you so much to all of you, every word sent to me means the world. This epilogue is quite short compared to the other chapters, but I do hope you like it and thank you so much for reading!

** Ten Years Later **

“Babe.  _ Babe _ , we have to be quick.”

Zayn knocks his head against the door as Liam's lips latch onto his skin, fingers working quickly at the button and zipper of his dress pants.

“Why?” Liam grunts with amusement in his voice, fitting his hand under the material when he gets them undone. Zayn is hard already, his briefs damp with precome from the way Liam has been whispering in his ear all night, about how good he looks in his suit, how he can’t wait to tear it off of him - all before dragging him off towards the bathrooms when Zayn refused to stop sliding his hand farther up the inside of Liam’s thigh, even though they are in public -

“Why?” Zayn huffs out, laughing hoarsely as he bucks into Liam’s touch. “The song of the year category is next, love.”

“Just a nominee,” Liam murmurs, curling his fingers around him, restricted some by his briefs and Zayn wishes he could pull all of the material between them away, but they do need to be fast because he is slightly grossed out though the area around them is quite clean, cleaner than any public bathroom he has ever seen - smelling of lemons and bleach, and they are at an award show with  _ hundreds _ of people. 

Zayn rolls his eyes to himself, spreading his legs. Even after all these years, the size of Liam’s hands drive him a bit crazy, and how rough his palms can be but how gentle his touch always is. Even when Zayn teases for him to be a little rough, it is like he is unable to be anything other than gentle with him. “You’re going to win.”

Liam bites against his throat, softly but Zayn groans roughly, the feel of his mouth making sparks shoot off down his spine. He can be quiet just fine, but he doesn’t want to be, and every breath seems to echo in this fancy bathroom they are in.

“We,” Liam says, licking over the marks his teeth have left behind. He rubs Zayn a little harder, palm dragging the material against his length and it is the right kind of friction, making his legs tremble and fingers scratch at the bathroom stall door like he needs to grip onto something other than Liam, whose suit had been too expensive for them to ruin.

It is only a simple looking suit, black with a white dress shirt underneath and a thin tie, but it is the  _ brand _ that they are paying for. Zayn doesn't mind spending money normally, especially because they are now more than comfortable financially, but he swears Liam’s frugal ways are rubbing off on him.

Three platinum selling records, twelve number one singles and Liam still frets when they buy the name brand coffee creamer instead of the store brand. But it is adorable and Zayn can't help but kiss him in the middle of the store for it.

“What?” Zayn says, knocking their foreheads together as he breathes out harshly. Whoever is performing is just a dull, muffled sound and he knows his body guard is waiting for them outside, and he hopes he will alert them if Liam’s name is called.

“We're both nominated babe. Duh,” Liam whispers, moving his hand quicker against his length as he breathes out. His own hips roll forward and Zayn pushes his hand away, cupping Liam’s hips so he can pull them together. “Fuck -”

Liam moans quietly as he grinds forward, nipping hard on Zayn’s bottom lip. “XII is our song, remember? They don't just forget the singer babe, and we both wrote it. Losin’ your brain a bit?”

Zayn rolls his eyes as Liam laughs fondly at him, flicking his tongue out to roll between his lips. “Me cock makes your head fuzzy?”

Zayn presses their lips together, swallowing back the moans building in his throat at the way Liam feels rubbing against him, pants falling past his hips and Liam’s still frustratingly on. “Shut up. Only looked for your name on the nominees list.”

Liam groans roughly, hips jerking against his before he cups a hand over Zayn’s lips, the outside noise louder around them as the bathroom door opens.

He hears Preston say his name as his name echoes through the building as well, right before Liam’s.  _ Fireproof, written and performed by Zayn and Liam Malik-Payne  _ -

“Fuck,” Liam laughs before it is a rush to zip up their dress pants, a half ass attempt at making them look decent before they are rushing out of the bathroom and towards the stage, their fingers locked together. 

“ _ This is the fourth Grammy for Zayn tonight, including Best R&B Album and Song. The second for producer and song-writer Liam Malik - Payne. Together the duo is also bringing home the Grammy for Album of the Year - _

Zayn giggles as he runs onto the stage, dragging his fingers through his hair before greeting Frank, who holds the award out to them.

“Thank you,” he breathes, kissing his cheek as he takes the award. It used to make him nervous, things like this, but the firm placement of Liam's hand on his lower back comforts him. 

Zayn turns, handing the award to Liam before planting a kiss to his lips, the crowd cooing loudly before he steps in front of the microphone to say his thanks.

+*

“Zayn, how are you feeling tonight?”

Zayn gives him a crooked grin, clutching the golden gramophone he holds. He made Liam hold the others, but he looks like a kid on Christmas beside him and Zayn knows he doesn't mind. They should be used to it by now, but it still feels like the first time - how overwhelming it had been trying to find places for the awards that came through for Our Story. Ones Zayn didn’t think he deserved, but when they started winning awards for The Second Chapter - he knew Liam deserved every one, always having Liam’s name right next to his for every song, every album.

And for the latest album, You and I, Zayn had finally convinced Liam to have his hand at singing. It had taken a lot of convincing, because he does have a decent voice - until he agreed to help Zayn sing the one they have written for their children. 

“Really great, thank you David.”

David grins brightly, clapping him on the shoulder with the hand that doesn't hold the microphone, camera man standing behind him and a crowd of fans and paparazzi farther behind them.

“Blessed,” Liam adds, leaning closer to the microphone.

David laughs warmly, nodding in Liam’s direction. “I'm sure. Do I even want to know how many this makes now?”

“No,” Zayn chuckles at the same time as Liam whispers  _ nineteen _ . “Enough to fill our son’s bookshelf, though.”

Liam presses closer to him, making his voice louder as he attempts to hold up his arm full of Grammys higher. “Beta if you see this, Papa’s bringing home more for you!”

Zayn warms, nose wrinkling fondly. Liam always gets excited, no matter what they win. More so than their kids, especially their youngest, Jamila - who has been convinced that they are buried treasure her Papa has found. She hides the Nickelodeon ones from them, burying them in her closet or underneath her bed. He had found one in the mouth of their Newfoundland a few weeks ago, and Jamila had stumbled over her story of being a pirate.

“How are they, the little ones?”

It is just for the television, Zayn thinks, since David had come to visit with Sophia and their own kids the night before, when Liam and the kids had arrived to their home in Los Angeles for the show. They have remained close over the years and Zayn is thankful for it, even though it seemed like  _ forever  _ until Liam and David finally stopped looking so constipated around each other. 

“Good,” Zayn responds. “Anas is quite unhappy we wouldn't bring him with us. Claims he is old enough but we made it seem like he is in charge of watching his little sister. His Uncle Louis is just there to  _ visit _ .”

“It is her first week in her leg braces,” Liam adds softly, the pride and love clear in his voice. Zayn can’t help the smile that tugs at his lips as he remembers the determined look in her eye, insisting she hadn’t needed Zayn’s help when she wore them for the first time. “And she is doing amazing. Just turned five and she acts twenty four. Now that she is walking some, you should see her - smiles so big.”

“And the newest?”

Zayn bites at his smile, chest expanding as he remembers the photo they had been given of their new little girl, her bright smile and even brighter eyes - big and brown just like Liam’s and her cheeks just as round. It was what grabbed his attention, the amount of happiness the little two year old held in her eyes.

He is counting down the minutes until they can bring her home, and though it is only in a couple days that they are scheduled to pick her up, it feels like a lifetime away because he is in love with her already. 

Just like he had been the first time he had laid eyes on their first two, and it is overwhelming the feeling - something he thinks he should be used to, since he feels it every time he looks at his husband. But he has glad he hasn't gotten used to it, because he plans on holding onto that feeling for forever.

“Olivia,” Liam tells him. He has never understood why people care so much about things in the personal lives, but he sucks in a breath because they had decided on revealing it tonight, giving the exclusive news to David and David only. “She's beautiful. We can't wait to bring her home.”

“Congratulations,” David says, his smile just as big as the first time they had told him and Sophia they were adopting again. “I would shake your hand mate, but they're a bit full.”

Liam snorts as Zayn turns, plopping a kiss to the high of Liam’s cheekbone.

When the interview is over, they slide away from David and away from all of the eyes on them, making their way through the winding hallways with Preston in front of them. Zayn feels exhausted, but Liam’s lips are on the back of his neck and they hadn't finished what they started earlier. 

“Wanna hit the after party? Malay texted me and asked -”

“No,” Zayn mumbles, leaning back against Liam as they waddle after Preston. “Wanna take you home, congratulate you for each award.”

Liam presses his lips to his ear, where Zayn can feel his smile. “Does this involve orgasms? Because we've got five awards babe, I don't know if you can handle all of that.”

Zayn snorts but arousal pools in his navel as they step outside the back of the venue, headed towards the car waiting for them. 

“Me? You'll probably scream.”

Liam laughs as he lets Zayn go to climb into the car, patting his bum as he bends to get through the door. 

Liam scooches in next to him, working open a yellow wrapper around his starburst that Zayn knows he had dug out of his pants pocket, which had been filled with candy at the beginning of the night. 

He plops it into his mouth, wiggling his eyebrows. “Probably,” he chuckles without shame. “I'll be sore after you've done me bottom.”

Zayn groans instead of making a witty quip, leaning over him to chase the taste of pina colada on his tongue. “You sure have a way with words.”

Liam cups the back of his neck, tilting his head some to change the angle of their lips. “I didn't win these awards for nothing. Sick ass songwriter over here.”

“You know what the best award you've won is?”

Liam's lips quirk up like he knows what Zayn is going to say and a laugh bubbles in his chest just at the thought of saying it outloud.

Zayn plants his palm over Liam’s chest, over the date of their anniversary and the three flowers beside it, tiny little additions with the third done only a few weeks ago, when they received the news that they could bring Olivia home. 

“My heart,” Zayn murmurs, amused.

Liam snorts, eyes falling shut as a smile breaks out across his lips. “And you're making fun of  _ me _ ,” he teases. 

“We're a great team,” Zayn murmurs, curling his arms around Liam’s shoulders before he pulls back to do up his seatbelt, hearing the engine start.

Liam knocks his lips against Zayn’s temples. “Legends, baby.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think? Thank you xo

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think? [tumblr](http://zipplekink.tumblr.com) and [twitter](http://twitter.com/zippIekink) if you need it!


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